What's Stopping You?

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/

Still trying to find the time to reflect on ShibariCon. This was forwarded to me by (Formerly) Achingly Defiant, and I thank the gods for ex-girlfriends.

I'll write of at least one ShibariCon-based epiphany that I had, concerning Mirage:

It's not that she was The One That I've Been Waiting For, it's just that she was the first girl in my entire life with whom I finally felt like I could be fallible in front of. I gave her a type of virginity that I didn't even know I still had in me, and the reason I've been struggling so much to get over the pain of our breakup is simply this:

I'm a heartbroken, recently deflowered virgin.

Of course this hurts. I waited thirty five years for someone I could trust like that.

I have a few thoughts that I want to get down here on LJ, but I'm having a greater-than-usual degree of difficulty ignoring the fourth wall. It is really important to me that I don't write on LJ as if I am writing TO someone specific, and so I become doubly paralyzed: all too aware of who might read this, unwilling to write things not yet said to someone specific, frustrated with myself for failing to live up to my ideals.

So fuck it. I know you're there, and I want to talk about things that I wish I could say to you in person, but I can't talk to you for all the reasons you know about. I know you don't need me to say it, but I can't get these other thoughts out until I say this, so...

I'm going to use my livejournal the way I have always meant to. This is about you. You can read it or not.

( Read more... )

Mirage: Don't forget that Uncle Amul is leaving this weekend, so this'll be your last day to spend with him.

Peaches: Oh! Can Daddy call off work so he can spend more time with Uncle Amul?

Mirage's Ex Husband: No, baby. You can't call off work the day of for things like that.

Peaches: Well, I'm going to miss him a lot.

Monkey: I'm not!

Mirage: You're not going to miss Uncle Amul?

Monkey: He's silly.

Mirage: You don't like that he's silly?

Monkey: I'm the silly!

Mirage is reading to her kids, sitting next to me as I mend the teddy bear I made for Peaches.

I'm kind of in love here...

Texas is gorram hot.

Hot in a "low of 80s is a pleasant day" kind of way. Hot in a "hey, it's the second cloud of the day" sort of way.

Which is super irritating to me, because the light here is amazing. It's slightly more amber than the light up in Chicago, even on cloudy days. if it weren't so gorram hot, I'd be out taking pictures. Instead, I'm inside designing Mr Freeze outfits.

Audio/Visual representation of how I feel right now:



One of my more commonly used literary tricks is to talk about how old cliches have gained fresh meaning for me. This time, that phrase is ( madly in love.... )

Listening to Mirage talking to her friends about her finances, and how little she once raised a family of four on even less.....it makes me wonder again if I would be as strong as her if I'd ever had the strength to fly out from under the security of my own family's financial security....

So.....been flirting with this woman for over two years online. Spent the last 2 months on the phone with her nearly every day. Drove down to visit her last week. It's day 8 of the 21-day journey and we're already calling each other cutesy names and throwing around the word "love" like it went on sale in the clearance section of the bookstore.

I mention this mainly to make her blush when she reads this.

Today, I'm going to take photographs of her, let her see herself as I do.

And then, I'm going to take photographs of the two of us together. Just so I can have them.

Because THAT is the kind of sappy I have become.

Had an interesting conversation about Legos tonight.

She said: When I was little, I had taken all the Legos out and they were spread across my room. Mom wanted me to clean them up, but I didn't want to. There were just so many of them. It felt overwhelming, just thinking about having to clean it ALL up. So my mom said, "Pick up 5 red Legos." And I picked up five red legos and put them away. Then mom said, "Now put away 10 yellow Legos." We went through the whole thing like that, in 5s and 10s, and the next thing I knew, all the Legos had been put away. It's become a bit of a mantra for me. When the schoolwork gets overwhelming, when the lists seem endless, I just take a breath and tell myself, "I'll just pick up 5 red Legos."

And I said: My problem is that the Legos are all still in their boxes, and the boxes are all locked inside my head. I know what I want to make today, but I look at the boxes and I don't know where any of the pieces might be.

And he said: I hate it when you're putting them all together and the shape is really starting to show itself, and then you can't find the next piece that goes in. I'll put the project down, and start looking around for the piece, sure that I have one, sure that it is somewhere around here, and the next thing I know, I've accidentally stepped on it all.

And I thought of her, and wanted to fix the moment in my mind, make it so that when I told her this, she'd feel like she was right there. I thought of her, and I thought of the pile of dishes in my sink that I think of as my Mental Instability Meter, and how we were all laughing at the list of things we hadn't done, never knew how to fit into our day. I thought of Dan Savage's campsite rule, and wondered when I decided to pitch my tent , and who was the idiot that left all this garbage in her head about not being able to share your frustrations and griefs and grievances with Those Who Are So Very Fond Of You?

So I wrote it down. All I need to be is the man who tells her, "Just five red Legos." All I want is someone who will say that to me.

Don't you see? Every one of us has to put our dreams together one block at a time.

In this way, starships and moon bases are built.