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amulMy impulse is to pull out documents, and reference notes, to include URLS and timestamps. But then I realize that this is all part of the thing that I do to avoid feeling, to avoid BEING a rope fetishist.
So, first and foremost: this will be my last publicly accessible post about my fetishes, my kink explorations, or anything like that. The period of my life where my need to get comfortable being all of who I am in front of everyone in the world no longer trumps my desire to be respectful of other people's sensibilities. I have no qualms about who I am or what I do, but I'm aware that others might, and so I will keeping those entries filtered as well as lj-cut from now on. If you wish to read of my kink explorations, please let me know and I will add you to the filter.
For the rest, you'll have to agree that you want to .
As I told just about everyone at the convention, this was the first year that I attended ShibariCon with a loved one, and so I chose to explore that aspect my attendence as fully as I could. I let Mirage pick the classes, providing input only when she asked, because I was cultivating a mindset of, It doesn't matter what I do, so long as I have rope in my hand and my Lady Love by my side.
When I told her this plan some months ago, Mirage up'd the ante by requesting that we spend the entire weekend engaged in our D/s dynamic. From the moment she entered the hotel, she was Mine, mine to do with as I pleased. I chose her outfits, I chose when she could talk and to whom, whether she stood or kneeled, whether she had use of all her limbs or not. I could posess her at my whim, never needing to ask if she was in the mood, capable of giving more. Had I sufficient familiarity with her dietary habits, I would have chosen what she ate and how much.
Usually, our relationship flows in and out of the "sexual" mode (heavy Dominant/submissive orientation) to a more day-to-day relationship of equal partners contributing what we can to the growth of the relationship. Then, too, I have a lot of insecurity about making decisions or being second-guessed. At the same time, I usually hate the constant squabbling and debating that occurs when groups have to make decisions. Choices about dinner, entertainment, et cetera always take longer when you have to let everyone weigh in.
Thus, I spent nearly all of my energy focused on being a Rigger and her Dominant for the entire weekend, at the same time, which is a headspace that I can almost never keep myself in. The result was so powerful that I really have a hard time thinking of any aspect of the weekend as anything other than a part of that experience.
I'm not willing to call that effort a success exactly, for it was a struggle on my part and led to a few painful life lessons which I'm still struggling to come to grips with. On the other hand, for the first time in more years than I can count, I am completely confident that whatever stress our relationship went through, both Mirage and I want to work through these lessons together and that our relationship will be the better for it, when the dust has finally cleared.
Ironically, that trust is part of what makes the stresses of this weekend so painful to me. I still need to learn the difference between a healthy relationship and being a Perfect Boyfriend.
A few snapshots for you from my weekend:
So, first and foremost: this will be my last publicly accessible post about my fetishes, my kink explorations, or anything like that. The period of my life where my need to get comfortable being all of who I am in front of everyone in the world no longer trumps my desire to be respectful of other people's sensibilities. I have no qualms about who I am or what I do, but I'm aware that others might, and so I will keeping those entries filtered as well as lj-cut from now on. If you wish to read of my kink explorations, please let me know and I will add you to the filter.
For the rest, you'll have to agree that you want to .
As I told just about everyone at the convention, this was the first year that I attended ShibariCon with a loved one, and so I chose to explore that aspect my attendence as fully as I could. I let Mirage pick the classes, providing input only when she asked, because I was cultivating a mindset of, It doesn't matter what I do, so long as I have rope in my hand and my Lady Love by my side.
When I told her this plan some months ago, Mirage up'd the ante by requesting that we spend the entire weekend engaged in our D/s dynamic. From the moment she entered the hotel, she was Mine, mine to do with as I pleased. I chose her outfits, I chose when she could talk and to whom, whether she stood or kneeled, whether she had use of all her limbs or not. I could posess her at my whim, never needing to ask if she was in the mood, capable of giving more. Had I sufficient familiarity with her dietary habits, I would have chosen what she ate and how much.
Usually, our relationship flows in and out of the "sexual" mode (heavy Dominant/submissive orientation) to a more day-to-day relationship of equal partners contributing what we can to the growth of the relationship. Then, too, I have a lot of insecurity about making decisions or being second-guessed. At the same time, I usually hate the constant squabbling and debating that occurs when groups have to make decisions. Choices about dinner, entertainment, et cetera always take longer when you have to let everyone weigh in.
Thus, I spent nearly all of my energy focused on being a Rigger and her Dominant for the entire weekend, at the same time, which is a headspace that I can almost never keep myself in. The result was so powerful that I really have a hard time thinking of any aspect of the weekend as anything other than a part of that experience.
I'm not willing to call that effort a success exactly, for it was a struggle on my part and led to a few painful life lessons which I'm still struggling to come to grips with. On the other hand, for the first time in more years than I can count, I am completely confident that whatever stress our relationship went through, both Mirage and I want to work through these lessons together and that our relationship will be the better for it, when the dust has finally cleared.
Ironically, that trust is part of what makes the stresses of this weekend so painful to me. I still need to learn the difference between a healthy relationship and being a Perfect Boyfriend.
A few snapshots for you from my weekend:
- My lips pressed up against her ears, her body shuddering in time to the whispered words for the amusement of my friends.
- Leading her around the dungeon by her nipple, her body draped in my rope.
- Her body pressed up against mine, thick strands of hemp across her neck, curled into my fingers, as I listen to an instructor and nod my understanding.
- Her hand on my knee underneath the dinnertable, my fingers coiled around the waist loop under her dress, as I argue over the evolution of teaching and tying methods with men whose opinions I admire.
- Her body, twisted into the agonies I selected, her face writhing with pleasure as she screams out "For you!"
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no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2010 19:44 (UTC)That sounds pretty unquestionably like a success to me. Then again, I may grade differently than you do.
I'd like to be on the filter.
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2010 20:03 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2010 20:50 (UTC)no subject
Date: 4 Jun 2010 03:18 (UTC)And yes, I also want to be on the filter.