What's Stopping You?

 Man, I had a sex dream last night for the first time in at least 5 years.

We were watching some kind of live amateur performance, and she and her transfemme friend kept getting pushed against me by the crowd behind us. This turned them both on so much they took me back to the communal space they were living in and we all started making out in a mattress on the floor, next to this huge pile of unsorted clothing in various states of cleanliness.

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I awoke, to discover that I'd fallen asleep still wearing my chain and that it had been choking me. It was 4pm, and sometime in the morning, I'd thrown my alarm clock across the room in my sleep.

I've slept through my classes, I realized with some alarm.

When I went into the kitchen, I noticed that my dishes are dirty again.

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What's strangest about that dream is that I rarely have dreams involving actual sexual organs. Usually my sex dreams are about rubbing against other bodies, or the most basic human contact having an overwhelmingly powerful sexual undertone to them. Having a dream about self-gratification is, as near as I can remember, completely new.

It's also caused me to note that there's been very few sexual overtones to the crushes I've developed lately. The handful of people that I've come to think of as attractive and desirable, my thoughts about them have mostly been about what sort of romantic activity I could engage in with them. I fantasize about cooking them dinner, or holding their hands as we walk on the beach. Thoughts about actual fucking has, surprisingly enough, had very few specific targets.

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Is that progress? I've no idea, really.

In other news, I totally slept through the video with kassitastrophe (Gods, so sorry!). I've no idea why I was so tired. Instead, I spent the entire day chatting with julesbdules on the phone, while cleaning my apartment. rambleman, who introduced us, mentioned to me recently that he considers it a very Upper Middle Class attitude to believe any problem can be overcome with sufficient force of mind. It struck me pretty heavily, and ever since then I've been noticing just such an attitude in myself. Perhaps this is why I take it as such a personal challenge to find activities I can do with julesbdules. I've never really considered the possibility of someone so ill that even a wheelchair ride would be tiring to them.

deladejavoo canceled the shoot tonight, which leaves me plenty of time to get a start on cleaning my apartment in preparation for Roo's arrival, since I expect to be horrifically busy up until the day before she arrives. Of course, instead I seem to be putzing around online.

The list of things I'd like to do with Roo during her brief visit has become completely overwhelming. A lot of that comes from the fact that I want her to really enjoy hanging out with me again, so we'll be sure to continue doing it (which seems doubly important to me now that Ziggy is no longer talking to me), but she'll also be the first friend, aside from Zig, to visit me. Plus, the city just seems that much closer to My Home, now that I've decided to accept my new tribe at face value, and stop struggling against the deep and abiding affection I've come to feel for all of them.

*sigh* It would've been really nice to introduce Zig to them, but I guess I fucked that up pretty permanently.

What makes all those plans harder is that the tribe will be gathering all weekend for this giant slumber party thing while Roo's visiting. She's far too shy to meet them all in one big group like that, but I can think of no better way to show her how much better my life is now than to have her spend all weekend camped together with such good people. Only, it wouldn't leave much time alone for us to reconnect with.