What's Stopping You?

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea--julie-jc-peters/

Still trying to find the time to reflect on ShibariCon. This was forwarded to me by (Formerly) Achingly Defiant, and I thank the gods for ex-girlfriends.

I'll write of at least one ShibariCon-based epiphany that I had, concerning Mirage:

It's not that she was The One That I've Been Waiting For, it's just that she was the first girl in my entire life with whom I finally felt like I could be fallible in front of. I gave her a type of virginity that I didn't even know I still had in me, and the reason I've been struggling so much to get over the pain of our breakup is simply this:

I'm a heartbroken, recently deflowered virgin.

Of course this hurts. I waited thirty five years for someone I could trust like that.

Shy women will be the death of me.

Show me a shy, beautiful woman, and I am very nearly helpless. I have to know. I have to find out. Getting to know one is like unwrapping a present. Well, at least, it's like the way I unwrap presents. The careful examination of the size and shape of the task, the slow peeling back of layer after layer, until you finally get to see what's really inside. And they always surprise me. I'll find wicked tongues where I expect to find quiet introspection. I'll find burning passion where I expected to find hedonism.

And just like presents, sometimes I'll find things I don't want, but the box has been opened, and it's to late to give it back. That's pretty rare, though.

I thought I could train myself into liking some other type. For years now, I've carefully avoided them. This time, someone to share the spotlight with I thought to myself. But time and time again, it is the quiet ones I am drawn to. Something about their discomfort in crowds soothes me. Something about the way they appreciate being noticed.

I mean, I'm pretty hard to miss, even when I'm in a crowd, but I rarely feel like I've been as seen as when a shy girl looks at me. They invariably seem to understand parts of me I didn't even know I had. They always seem to teach me something new about who I am.

What of these latest creatures to walk into my life? Should I pursue one of them? Should I seek that thing which I still don't feel like I'm ready for? You spend all your time preparing to be ready, I chide myself. But it doesn't feel like an excuse.

I'm still not as good at taking care of myself as I would like. I still have yet to pursue my commercial photographic career with the vigor I demand of myself before I am willing to turn my attention to finding a Life Partner, and I have so much more to learn about my art career. But I'm once again getting to the point where the thought of having one is distracting me from the goals my mind has set.

To put it another way, I still feel like I need to prepare to prepare to be ready for that. But I'm turning 35 next year. I have had friends who died at that age. What ever happened to seize the day? To learning to unleash my passions and let them run free? To accepting myself for who I am now, and not merely who I want to be someday?

What ever happened to letting go of the past?

While I learned a lot from my first Art Booth experience at a sci-fi/gaming convention, this is the lesson I want to remember most:

Sitting in a small curtained room for 4 days of 8-hour shifts, hoping someone will walk in and look at something and wondering what is going on around you....not something I'd recommend. A booth partner is highly recommended.

Is anyone going to Dragon Con that would like to help me run my booth in the art show?

I get this strange sense of constriction, a kind of hesitancy that comes from remembering that people actually read this silly blog. A few days ago, I was in an IM conversation with todfox and he referenced something I'd written here. It was startling, to be reminded that someone is actually reading these things.

How much harder, then, it is for me to write about things like a first date, when I know that the woman I was eating lunch with earlier today occasionally skims through here.

( Read more... )

I met a girl a few weeks ago that has attracted my interest more than anybody else I've met since Lacuna Diving Bunny. I feel the need to apologize to Will O' Whisper for saying that, but yes, WoW, she beats out my attraction to you, if only because she's local.

( Insecure, whiny rambling that devalues my True Emotional Context below cut )

I bought some bananas. They're sitting on my table. It's wierd, you know? I mean, food just sitting out there, not in a box or can or anything. Just sitting on my table.

I am on a plane, lifting up out of an island city. I am in a car, heading down the highway. I am relaxing into the half-mad, half-enlightened state of geographic recomposition. I am struggling to access knowledge I casually tossed offline.

I am uploading. ( Read more... )
"Do you think there will come a point in your life where you'll just give this all up and become normal?" I scoff at this, who's normal?

"Well, me, for a start."

And she's got me there.

Memory, like a gel-coated capsule. Not those bitter things I used to unexpectedly swallow, but a tasteless, odorless thing which gets stuck in my throat, until something cold and refreshing comes roaring in after it.

Memory. I am walking back from a club in Indy, slowly trudging along beside a woman whose heels have got the best of her. We've been talking all weekend, but there is something about the dark heart of Four A.M. which brings people closer together, and this is no different. She says something and I dissent. That's the sort of thinking which caused my divorce.

"You were married?" she asks, and again I dissent. Not married, no, but somehow we went through a divorce all the same.

"It's a strange thing not to mention in four days' worth of conversation."

Have I not been talking about it? ( Read more... )

First off, my Tech Gear has become completely out of hand. I'm visiting my parents for three nights. Do I pack my cell phone recharger? My ipod recharger? My contacts? Do I need either of my digital cameras? What the hell is this cord for? Maybe I should bring it, just in case.

If I bring laundry to their house, should I pack the accessories that go with the outfits I'm washing? I'm only going to be an hour away!

Which hands-free headset should I bring? The comfy one? The one with the best clarity? The one that connects to both my ipod and my cell phone?

Strong Competitor for Weirdest Question Asked, Ever: Should I pack some condoms for this two-day visit to my parents house? I mean, everybody always grills into my head that I need to carry some, "just in case." But that's.....that's a pretty rare case, right? On the other hand, if that kind of opportunity comes up.....I really don't want to think about this.


Oh, and in other news, not content to merely imagine everyone secretly hates, I now seem to be actively antagonistic. I'm starting fights and speaking up about things that I would otherwise just leave well enough alone. Lovely.

On the plus side, I had a really good time at Neo last night.

( I avoid packing by discussing this week )

( You probably don't want to read this part )

What's strangest about that dream is that I rarely have dreams involving actual sexual organs. Usually my sex dreams are about rubbing against other bodies, or the most basic human contact having an overwhelmingly powerful sexual undertone to them. Having a dream about self-gratification is, as near as I can remember, completely new.

It's also caused me to note that there's been very few sexual overtones to the crushes I've developed lately. The handful of people that I've come to think of as attractive and desirable, my thoughts about them have mostly been about what sort of romantic activity I could engage in with them. I fantasize about cooking them dinner, or holding their hands as we walk on the beach. Thoughts about actual fucking has, surprisingly enough, had very few specific targets.

( Yeah, you want to skip this next sentence, too )

Is that progress? I've no idea, really.

In other news, I totally slept through the video with kassitastrophe (Gods, so sorry!). I've no idea why I was so tired. Instead, I spent the entire day chatting with julesbdules on the phone, while cleaning my apartment. rambleman, who introduced us, mentioned to me recently that he considers it a very Upper Middle Class attitude to believe any problem can be overcome with sufficient force of mind. It struck me pretty heavily, and ever since then I've been noticing just such an attitude in myself. Perhaps this is why I take it as such a personal challenge to find activities I can do with julesbdules. I've never really considered the possibility of someone so ill that even a wheelchair ride would be tiring to them.

deladejavoo canceled the shoot tonight, which leaves me plenty of time to get a start on cleaning my apartment in preparation for Roo's arrival, since I expect to be horrifically busy up until the day before she arrives. Of course, instead I seem to be putzing around online.

The list of things I'd like to do with Roo during her brief visit has become completely overwhelming. A lot of that comes from the fact that I want her to really enjoy hanging out with me again, so we'll be sure to continue doing it (which seems doubly important to me now that Ziggy is no longer talking to me), but she'll also be the first friend, aside from Zig, to visit me. Plus, the city just seems that much closer to My Home, now that I've decided to accept my new tribe at face value, and stop struggling against the deep and abiding affection I've come to feel for all of them.

*sigh* It would've been really nice to introduce Zig to them, but I guess I fucked that up pretty permanently.

What makes all those plans harder is that the tribe will be gathering all weekend for this giant slumber party thing while Roo's visiting. She's far too shy to meet them all in one big group like that, but I can think of no better way to show her how much better my life is now than to have her spend all weekend camped together with such good people. Only, it wouldn't leave much time alone for us to reconnect with.