Lunchtime thoughts
23 July 2008 14:56![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulI get this strange sense of constriction, a kind of hesitancy that comes from remembering that people actually read this silly blog. A few days ago, I was in an IM conversation with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
todfox and he referenced something I'd written here. It was startling, to be reminded that someone is actually reading these things.
How much harder, then, it is for me to write about things like a first date, when I know that the woman I was eating lunch with earlier today occasionally skims through here.
Lithe reminds me a lot of Priceless Pearl, in that they both take perverse delight in their own bluntness, and revel in having opinions to share. I'm not used to talking to someone who'll look me in the eye and say, "So, are you always this arrogant, or is that just a cover?" I find that I've missed it.
Equally disturbing is the idea that I've made an impression on the people around me. Lithe had asked around about me, and while I don't deny any of the descriptions she's heard, it is odd to me that there is anyone in Chicago who has thought about me long enough to have an opinion (I just moved here....four years ago). Silly, really, obviously I have never been one to stand silently in the background. But to actually see first-hand that my social life has a history, a background, a context.....it's thought-provoking, to say the least.
And the things people say. Arrogant, sure, I can see that. A "player," is surprising but I can't really deny the statistics, although I've certainly never thought of myself that way.
The part that has never occurred to me is that someone out there could be saying, "Amul asked me out. What's he like?" and someone is responding, "Oh, he's kind of an arrogant player who is just looking for a good time."
I mean, it's all true, right? So I can hardly begrudge the point. But what happens if I meet someone interesting, and want to get to know them as a person, what happens when this stage of my life is over? I'll have this reputation, this history of what I'm like and what I'm looking for. I doubt Lacuna Diving Bunny would have called me back, if I'd had this sort of reputation when I first met her.
It's not just that I'm looking to indulge in a little bachelorhood. There's a pre-sorting process going on that I hadn't really paid attention to. Perhaps part of the reason that I haven't met anyone really challenging and interesting is because those sorts of people aren't interested in what I seem to be looking for.
It's all well and good to say, "I'll just have fun and hopefully someone exciting will appear along the way," but for a certain context, a certain set of attributes, that doesn't really hold water.
todfox and he referenced something I'd written here. It was startling, to be reminded that someone is actually reading these things.How much harder, then, it is for me to write about things like a first date, when I know that the woman I was eating lunch with earlier today occasionally skims through here.
Lithe reminds me a lot of Priceless Pearl, in that they both take perverse delight in their own bluntness, and revel in having opinions to share. I'm not used to talking to someone who'll look me in the eye and say, "So, are you always this arrogant, or is that just a cover?" I find that I've missed it.
Equally disturbing is the idea that I've made an impression on the people around me. Lithe had asked around about me, and while I don't deny any of the descriptions she's heard, it is odd to me that there is anyone in Chicago who has thought about me long enough to have an opinion (I just moved here....four years ago). Silly, really, obviously I have never been one to stand silently in the background. But to actually see first-hand that my social life has a history, a background, a context.....it's thought-provoking, to say the least.
And the things people say. Arrogant, sure, I can see that. A "player," is surprising but I can't really deny the statistics, although I've certainly never thought of myself that way.
The part that has never occurred to me is that someone out there could be saying, "Amul asked me out. What's he like?" and someone is responding, "Oh, he's kind of an arrogant player who is just looking for a good time."
I mean, it's all true, right? So I can hardly begrudge the point. But what happens if I meet someone interesting, and want to get to know them as a person, what happens when this stage of my life is over? I'll have this reputation, this history of what I'm like and what I'm looking for. I doubt Lacuna Diving Bunny would have called me back, if I'd had this sort of reputation when I first met her.
It's not just that I'm looking to indulge in a little bachelorhood. There's a pre-sorting process going on that I hadn't really paid attention to. Perhaps part of the reason that I haven't met anyone really challenging and interesting is because those sorts of people aren't interested in what I seem to be looking for.
It's all well and good to say, "I'll just have fun and hopefully someone exciting will appear along the way," but for a certain context, a certain set of attributes, that doesn't really hold water.
