What's Stopping You?

http://www.fluctu8.com/media/25805/21614/

Another piece by Shane Koyczan, ganked from Darth Ambivalence.

This whole "knowing me before kissing me" thing with Lithe is starting to drive me a little crazy. ( Read more... )

I spent Thursday night at Lacuna Diving Bunny's place, so that I could try for the early flights to Denver tomorrow, having discovered that there was no way I'd get on a flight today. There was an APA party that I decided to go to, partly because I figured networking would be useful, and partly because I knew LDB needed to talk to Darth Ambivalence about some problems they'd been having. ( Read more... )

Things were fine, she'd made DA shut up and listen, finally, and they had figured out some ways to spend time together out of their home. They were working on it, and didn't need me to sacrifice any of my happiness in order to repair their own.

This was little consolation to me as I spent most of Friday utterly failing to fly to Denver.

Giving up, I spent the rest of Friday sleeping, although What Big Eyes She Has invited me to a party. I wanted to go, having met some of her friends from that group, but I was way too tired. Besides, her husband was going, and I didn't trust him to properly interpret the way I act around her. I'd had enough of dealing with other people's marriages.

Lithe also surprised me -- when she heard I was still in Chicago, she offered to have brunch with me the next day. If I say yes, can I still see you on Monday? "Yes," she said, and I whispered my little mantra to myself. I will not Plan, Sam I Am.

( Read more... )

Grizzled Alley Kitten stopped by my apartment a few hours later for a grocery run. While picking over mangoes and strawberries, I told her about my two dates with Lithe, and this led to a general conversation about all the things we never do, the strangely parallel list that forms the basis of our friendship: we never talk about our passions, never let ourselves enjoy a beautiful day like today, never trust our instincts. In staunch defiance of our weakest selves, we ditched our errands for the rest of the day and hung out on the beach, drinking lemonade and talking about the things we're too scared to admit we even think of, asked the questions neither of us ever wants answered.

Later, I went out to Gd's "Christmas in July" party. An old Santa Suit and a box of Xmas decorations were dusted off and brought amusement to the others. I came home, tired, my head full of thoughts, and tried to write all this out while the intensity of it is all still here.

I paused, exhausted from trying to be this honest with myself, and checked my voicemail. Amid the telemarketers and charity drives, two voices from my past asked me to call them back: a guy I knew from my old BBS days, and f(AD). I haven't heard her voice in over a year.

Tomorrow, I will make some phone calls.