Guilt and Remorse
24 July 2011 13:51![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulI just watched a friend break down into tears and beg me to stop talking in the very manner that seems to have ended at least one intimate relationship in my life already, I....
I wonder if maybe I should just give up on trying to be a better person. Maybe I should just focus on identifying all of my flaws and warning people of them. Because I actually sort of feel like I'm doing worse at this whole "communication" thing than I was two years ago, when it wasn't nearly as important to me.
I used to say/write crap like this in an attempt to curry sympathy from my friends. Today, while I admit that the urge comes from a place of remorse, there's none of my usual thinly-veiled eagerness to please. Today, there's just sorrow, remorse and apathy.
I am seriously and truly beginning to doubt my ability to change in any kind of meaningful way. It feels like the more I try, the less I succeed, and not just because I'm setting the goal line higher. I really, truly think that I am worse at expressing myself than I was before....
....well, before I started trying to have primary relationships again.
I wonder if maybe I should just give up on trying to be a better person. Maybe I should just focus on identifying all of my flaws and warning people of them. Because I actually sort of feel like I'm doing worse at this whole "communication" thing than I was two years ago, when it wasn't nearly as important to me.
I used to say/write crap like this in an attempt to curry sympathy from my friends. Today, while I admit that the urge comes from a place of remorse, there's none of my usual thinly-veiled eagerness to please. Today, there's just sorrow, remorse and apathy.
I am seriously and truly beginning to doubt my ability to change in any kind of meaningful way. It feels like the more I try, the less I succeed, and not just because I'm setting the goal line higher. I really, truly think that I am worse at expressing myself than I was before....
....well, before I started trying to have primary relationships again.
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no subject
Date: 24 Jul 2011 23:27 (UTC)Maybe I should just focus on identifying all of my flaws and warning people of them
even if you can do that, and word it right, I don't think it'll help. I knew a girl who managed that trick one time, and couldn't make me believe what she was saying. It worked out as she promised, and broke me in half for awhile.
On the less cynical side, given it to do again, I'd do it all just the same.
no subject
Date: 1 Aug 2011 05:56 (UTC)Maybe it's time to learn how to express yourself instead of how to deal with conflict. I feel like you've got a decent grasp of your flaws, biggest one is clamming up when talking about issues with friends/lovers or even expressing what you're trying to work on career-wise. Is there something you've been doing different lately that has made it better/worse? Is there something you haven't tried yet, for fear that it will fail too?
"Warning" someone of your flaws ends up backfiring, from what I've seen/experienced. Just because we know you're flawed doesn't mean the same slip-ups won't end up happening.