Guilt and Remorse
24 July 2011 13:51![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulI just watched a friend break down into tears and beg me to stop talking in the very manner that seems to have ended at least one intimate relationship in my life already, I....
I wonder if maybe I should just give up on trying to be a better person. Maybe I should just focus on identifying all of my flaws and warning people of them. Because I actually sort of feel like I'm doing worse at this whole "communication" thing than I was two years ago, when it wasn't nearly as important to me.
I used to say/write crap like this in an attempt to curry sympathy from my friends. Today, while I admit that the urge comes from a place of remorse, there's none of my usual thinly-veiled eagerness to please. Today, there's just sorrow, remorse and apathy.
I am seriously and truly beginning to doubt my ability to change in any kind of meaningful way. It feels like the more I try, the less I succeed, and not just because I'm setting the goal line higher. I really, truly think that I am worse at expressing myself than I was before....
....well, before I started trying to have primary relationships again.
I wonder if maybe I should just give up on trying to be a better person. Maybe I should just focus on identifying all of my flaws and warning people of them. Because I actually sort of feel like I'm doing worse at this whole "communication" thing than I was two years ago, when it wasn't nearly as important to me.
I used to say/write crap like this in an attempt to curry sympathy from my friends. Today, while I admit that the urge comes from a place of remorse, there's none of my usual thinly-veiled eagerness to please. Today, there's just sorrow, remorse and apathy.
I am seriously and truly beginning to doubt my ability to change in any kind of meaningful way. It feels like the more I try, the less I succeed, and not just because I'm setting the goal line higher. I really, truly think that I am worse at expressing myself than I was before....
....well, before I started trying to have primary relationships again.
