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amulOne of the hard things about being an adult, for me at least, is that I'm too familiar with my own patterns. I know where The Crazy is, and I recognize when I'm standing in it. That rarely actually helps, and but there's a certain Heisenburg-esque thing that I can do. If I let the wrong people know exactly where I am, I start moving in a different direction.
For instance, I understand and agree with Princess Dragonbait's reasons for ending our relationship. But if I go too far in that direction, I'll get into a sort of "Fuck you, those grapes were sour anyway" sort of mental state, which is not Conducive To My Goals.
I'm also pretty sure I have an accurate grasp on what my own role was, what I should learn from this experience and what I shouldn't. At least, right now I do. That may change in a few hours. I think it's best that I try writing it out before I forget and go crazy again.....
As an adult, dating other rational adults, I feel like it's understood that I'm allowed to go a certain amount of crazy. Not a quota, exactly, but there's a certain amount of leeway that'll be given. This morning, I woke up and thought to myself Oh, shit. I woke up on the crazy side of the bed. I tried to pull myself out of it, but I couldn't, so in the end I sort of grudgingly gave in to The Crazy and called PDb.
Hey, I'm kind of crazy right now, and I know I can't actually change your mind, but the thought won't go away on its own, so would it be alright if we had the conversation anyway? And then, I vomited all this crazy into the phone and all over her shirt.
And when I was done she told me, ever so gently, "No, we can't get back together," and reminded me why.
That cost me some of my leeway, to get my sanity back. I only get a certain number of times to do that, and I don't get to look at the scorecard to see how much I have left. So here's a list of things I should remember.
Should I step in The Crazy in front of you, you'd be a really good friend to remind me of some of these things. Most of things are stuff I need help remembering, even when I'm not teetering on the brink of insanity.
* It kind of goes back to what I've said before, about being so focused on relationships and kink right now that I don't really explore anything but sex or relationships. Why is it that I'm so comfortable talking about my theories on dating, my interest in kink and sex, and so horribly timid about talking about my photography, my photo career, or the art side of my photography work? If I fixated on my career half as much as I fixated on Solving Relationship Problems, then:
a) I'd be doing much better at my career
b) I'd have something more interesting to talk about than my fucking problems.
* I have a severe problem trusting people's words at face value. I need to learn to stop looking for the hidden scorn underneath the compliment. I know where that comes from, but I haven't actually worked on getting over that bullshit. I'm not actually sure how to do that.
*The things I do and think about are interesting, and worth discussing. People are interested in hearing me talk about the things like The Continuous Coast, Lufton Runner, Archetyped!, my interest in mask-making and drawing, clothing design, teddy bear design, fiction writing, etc. They're not just being polite. They are genuinely interested.
* I got away with it this time, but calling PDb to re-examine tiny nuances of our relationship is exactly the sort of behavior which caused our relationship to go sour in the first place. If all the good reasons for focusing on my dreams and goals aren't working, I should fucking remember that I won't be able to keep our friendship if I don't have interesting stuff to talk about.
For instance, I understand and agree with Princess Dragonbait's reasons for ending our relationship. But if I go too far in that direction, I'll get into a sort of "Fuck you, those grapes were sour anyway" sort of mental state, which is not Conducive To My Goals.
I'm also pretty sure I have an accurate grasp on what my own role was, what I should learn from this experience and what I shouldn't. At least, right now I do. That may change in a few hours. I think it's best that I try writing it out before I forget and go crazy again.....
As an adult, dating other rational adults, I feel like it's understood that I'm allowed to go a certain amount of crazy. Not a quota, exactly, but there's a certain amount of leeway that'll be given. This morning, I woke up and thought to myself Oh, shit. I woke up on the crazy side of the bed. I tried to pull myself out of it, but I couldn't, so in the end I sort of grudgingly gave in to The Crazy and called PDb.
Hey, I'm kind of crazy right now, and I know I can't actually change your mind, but the thought won't go away on its own, so would it be alright if we had the conversation anyway? And then, I vomited all this crazy into the phone and all over her shirt.
And when I was done she told me, ever so gently, "No, we can't get back together," and reminded me why.
That cost me some of my leeway, to get my sanity back. I only get a certain number of times to do that, and I don't get to look at the scorecard to see how much I have left. So here's a list of things I should remember.
Should I step in The Crazy in front of you, you'd be a really good friend to remind me of some of these things. Most of things are stuff I need help remembering, even when I'm not teetering on the brink of insanity.
* It kind of goes back to what I've said before, about being so focused on relationships and kink right now that I don't really explore anything but sex or relationships. Why is it that I'm so comfortable talking about my theories on dating, my interest in kink and sex, and so horribly timid about talking about my photography, my photo career, or the art side of my photography work? If I fixated on my career half as much as I fixated on Solving Relationship Problems, then:
a) I'd be doing much better at my career
b) I'd have something more interesting to talk about than my fucking problems.
* I have a severe problem trusting people's words at face value. I need to learn to stop looking for the hidden scorn underneath the compliment. I know where that comes from, but I haven't actually worked on getting over that bullshit. I'm not actually sure how to do that.
*The things I do and think about are interesting, and worth discussing. People are interested in hearing me talk about the things like The Continuous Coast, Lufton Runner, Archetyped!, my interest in mask-making and drawing, clothing design, teddy bear design, fiction writing, etc. They're not just being polite. They are genuinely interested.
* I got away with it this time, but calling PDb to re-examine tiny nuances of our relationship is exactly the sort of behavior which caused our relationship to go sour in the first place. If all the good reasons for focusing on my dreams and goals aren't working, I should fucking remember that I won't be able to keep our friendship if I don't have interesting stuff to talk about.
no subject
Date: 1 Feb 2009 23:38 (UTC)My problem with the sign idea is, how do I keep remembering to look at it? After my divorce, I put a bunch of mirrors in my apartment so I'd remember that I could now look myself in the eye again. Instead I just have all these places that I've learned to avoid looking at.
You're right about the other thing, though. I know when I'm going crazy. I just don't know what to do with it.
I mean, who do I trust enough to talk to about my trust issues?
no subject
Date: 2 Feb 2009 07:24 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 Feb 2009 17:41 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 Feb 2009 18:42 (UTC)no subject
Date: 1 Feb 2009 23:49 (UTC)