Lessons from ShibariCon
2 June 2008 23:03![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulOkay, Amul. So you said that you didn't actually go to very many rope classes at ShibariCon, and you didn't have any sex while you were there, so what the hell was the point of going?
As far as sex goes, you've missed the whole point, to my mind, of BDSM. It's not about the particular fetish, at least for me. It's about taking the "fore" out of foreplay. When I remove expectations of sexual intercourse, or intimate fluid exchange, I discover two very important things:
1. There's a lot of fun things you can do with the human body besides sticking my Tab A into their Slot B.
2. There are a lot more people that I can do it with.
Focus on that last point for a second, and understand that I'm not saying "I can be the proud owner of more orgasms if I promise not to use my dick." If I walk up to a hot woman in a bar, and make a move, she's instantly going to decide whether or not she would ever want my dick inside her. If I walk up to someone at a BDSM convention and say, "I'd like to engage in play with you," then there's a whole lot of room for negotiation. Are we talking orgasm, sensory exploration, pain, pleasure, giggles, artistic experimentation, or what?
With BDSM, I can walk up to someone and say, "You're beautiful, and I want to enjoy the sight of you." Chances are good that there is some common ground we can find, and that's pretty cool.
But what did this self-identified rope fetishist do all weekend, if not play with rope?
Friday:
Lady Gold's Psychology of Bondage class started my weekend, and we talked in slow circles around the room about why each person was here. I learned how to step out of my own perceptions, and see the clues or ask the questions, that make rope-play a more mutually enjoyable experience.
After that, I went to Mark of DV8 House's Erotic Rope Energy which was simply a demonstration of various methods of advanced "rope foreplay." When you've already cut out sex, or at least postponed it even further than usual, there's still a tendency to think of play as "what happens after they're tied up." Mark talked about ways to prolong and enjoy the moments between agreeing to play and a completed tie.
It's hard to explain what I got out of this class, it takes more words. I could say that it was a class about learning to enjoy every moment of your life, and that would be incomplete. I could say it was a class on feeling connected to your partner, and helping them feel connected to you. That would be incomplete, too. All I know for sure is that Mark is incredibly gifted in his ability to explain complex thoughts in a direct manner. He's not particularly enlightened or anything, he just has a lucidity which says out loud the things I started thinking about and haven't formed the right words to express.
The last class I went to on Friday was Jim Duvall's Assessing Hardpoints class, which covered how to look at the equipment you'll use, and really know what sort of strain you can put it under.
Saturday
First, I went to IML, and on the advice of many gay men, bought a bunch of things to shove up my ass. I definitely recommend them to anyone whose ever thought about doing something similar. I also bought some clothes.
When I got back, I went to Mark Yu's Body Dynamics for Rope double-session class, which taught us how to look at the human body and see the messages underneath. Where you can see tension, and what it suggests about things you can do to that person. This class had the most information, and I feel like I retained the least from it. I wish he had handouts.
Sunday
Jay Wiseman's Rough Rope class wasn't at all about what I thought it would be about. Instead of talking about ways to be rougher and more sadistic with your ties, while still being Risk-Aware, it was actually a class in alternative rope options, most of which have a rougher texture than hemp, nylon, silk, or bamboo.
Mike West's Scene from the Start class ended up covering basically the same material that I learned in Erotic Rope Energy, and I didn't connect with Mike the way I do with Mark, so I slipped into SxySadist's Joy of Flying Low class. She'd already covered the material, which I learned years ago. The class was all trying it out, and she was doing something pretty innovative, to me at least.
Rather than hoist everyone up in the air for their first suspension, she had everyone kneel before pulling the suspension lines taut. This way, they could test the weight of their harness without committing themselves to a potentially dangerous full suspension. Especially since few people attending the class new what they were doing, this was a really brilliant paradigm shift. Several people were using the frames in back, and I elected myself as supervisor to their efforts, trying to give back a little to the community.
I found that I learned a lot, simply because there were a lot of body types all doing exactly the same thing, and encountering unique problems. It was like trying up 60 people all at once.
I simply had to go to The Knotty Boys' Decorative Bondage course, if only to get them to autograph their new book. This was a hands-on rope class, where they taught their completely unique style of bondage. I was in heaven.
I had to ditch out on the autographing in order to get to Lee Harrington's Turning Ties Inward class, which explored why we engage in BDSM, and how to reconnect to the desires that brought us there in the first place. I scribbled furious notes in this class, diagrams of ideas, and key phrases I wanted to remember. Lee is an excellent presenter, capable of keeping a freeform discussion directed at the points he wants us to consider.
Monday
Graydancer's Defining Moment class breaks down complex fantasies into their component parts. Whether your fantasy is seemingly simple (I want to be spanked for being a bad girl) to extremely complex (I want to sacrifice a woman as part of a sex-demon summoning rite....guess who came up with that one?), it really consists of the same category of parts. Seen from this light, even my Lovecraftian sex scripts become pretty simple to achieve provided you actively seek the missing ingredients.
For the last class, I was torn between many options, but in the end decided to go to Mark of DV8 House's Hooks For All Occassions class, primarily because I thought it would be a nice end to the weekend if I got to watch Mark's lovely demo bunny have a few screaming orgasms.
I really want to buy a hook after that class, but I think it's important to have someone to use your toys on before you start buying them. At least one person suggested to me, "If you buy the pussy hook, the pussy will come," and as tempting as that sounds....I'm 32, dammit, old enough to know that I'd feel silly using a "Have Ass Hook, apply below" marketing scheme to meet people.
I don't really have problems meeting people. Why do I need a $200 sex toy to meet people? That's not what I want the thing for. That's like buying gas because you want a car.
As far as sex goes, you've missed the whole point, to my mind, of BDSM. It's not about the particular fetish, at least for me. It's about taking the "fore" out of foreplay. When I remove expectations of sexual intercourse, or intimate fluid exchange, I discover two very important things:
1. There's a lot of fun things you can do with the human body besides sticking my Tab A into their Slot B.
2. There are a lot more people that I can do it with.
Focus on that last point for a second, and understand that I'm not saying "I can be the proud owner of more orgasms if I promise not to use my dick." If I walk up to a hot woman in a bar, and make a move, she's instantly going to decide whether or not she would ever want my dick inside her. If I walk up to someone at a BDSM convention and say, "I'd like to engage in play with you," then there's a whole lot of room for negotiation. Are we talking orgasm, sensory exploration, pain, pleasure, giggles, artistic experimentation, or what?
With BDSM, I can walk up to someone and say, "You're beautiful, and I want to enjoy the sight of you." Chances are good that there is some common ground we can find, and that's pretty cool.
But what did this self-identified rope fetishist do all weekend, if not play with rope?
Friday:
Lady Gold's Psychology of Bondage class started my weekend, and we talked in slow circles around the room about why each person was here. I learned how to step out of my own perceptions, and see the clues or ask the questions, that make rope-play a more mutually enjoyable experience.
After that, I went to Mark of DV8 House's Erotic Rope Energy which was simply a demonstration of various methods of advanced "rope foreplay." When you've already cut out sex, or at least postponed it even further than usual, there's still a tendency to think of play as "what happens after they're tied up." Mark talked about ways to prolong and enjoy the moments between agreeing to play and a completed tie.
It's hard to explain what I got out of this class, it takes more words. I could say that it was a class about learning to enjoy every moment of your life, and that would be incomplete. I could say it was a class on feeling connected to your partner, and helping them feel connected to you. That would be incomplete, too. All I know for sure is that Mark is incredibly gifted in his ability to explain complex thoughts in a direct manner. He's not particularly enlightened or anything, he just has a lucidity which says out loud the things I started thinking about and haven't formed the right words to express.
The last class I went to on Friday was Jim Duvall's Assessing Hardpoints class, which covered how to look at the equipment you'll use, and really know what sort of strain you can put it under.
Saturday
First, I went to IML, and on the advice of many gay men, bought a bunch of things to shove up my ass. I definitely recommend them to anyone whose ever thought about doing something similar. I also bought some clothes.
When I got back, I went to Mark Yu's Body Dynamics for Rope double-session class, which taught us how to look at the human body and see the messages underneath. Where you can see tension, and what it suggests about things you can do to that person. This class had the most information, and I feel like I retained the least from it. I wish he had handouts.
Sunday
Jay Wiseman's Rough Rope class wasn't at all about what I thought it would be about. Instead of talking about ways to be rougher and more sadistic with your ties, while still being Risk-Aware, it was actually a class in alternative rope options, most of which have a rougher texture than hemp, nylon, silk, or bamboo.
Mike West's Scene from the Start class ended up covering basically the same material that I learned in Erotic Rope Energy, and I didn't connect with Mike the way I do with Mark, so I slipped into SxySadist's Joy of Flying Low class. She'd already covered the material, which I learned years ago. The class was all trying it out, and she was doing something pretty innovative, to me at least.
Rather than hoist everyone up in the air for their first suspension, she had everyone kneel before pulling the suspension lines taut. This way, they could test the weight of their harness without committing themselves to a potentially dangerous full suspension. Especially since few people attending the class new what they were doing, this was a really brilliant paradigm shift. Several people were using the frames in back, and I elected myself as supervisor to their efforts, trying to give back a little to the community.
I found that I learned a lot, simply because there were a lot of body types all doing exactly the same thing, and encountering unique problems. It was like trying up 60 people all at once.
I simply had to go to The Knotty Boys' Decorative Bondage course, if only to get them to autograph their new book. This was a hands-on rope class, where they taught their completely unique style of bondage. I was in heaven.
I had to ditch out on the autographing in order to get to Lee Harrington's Turning Ties Inward class, which explored why we engage in BDSM, and how to reconnect to the desires that brought us there in the first place. I scribbled furious notes in this class, diagrams of ideas, and key phrases I wanted to remember. Lee is an excellent presenter, capable of keeping a freeform discussion directed at the points he wants us to consider.
Monday
Graydancer's Defining Moment class breaks down complex fantasies into their component parts. Whether your fantasy is seemingly simple (I want to be spanked for being a bad girl) to extremely complex (I want to sacrifice a woman as part of a sex-demon summoning rite....guess who came up with that one?), it really consists of the same category of parts. Seen from this light, even my Lovecraftian sex scripts become pretty simple to achieve provided you actively seek the missing ingredients.
For the last class, I was torn between many options, but in the end decided to go to Mark of DV8 House's Hooks For All Occassions class, primarily because I thought it would be a nice end to the weekend if I got to watch Mark's lovely demo bunny have a few screaming orgasms.
I really want to buy a hook after that class, but I think it's important to have someone to use your toys on before you start buying them. At least one person suggested to me, "If you buy the pussy hook, the pussy will come," and as tempting as that sounds....I'm 32, dammit, old enough to know that I'd feel silly using a "Have Ass Hook, apply below" marketing scheme to meet people.
I don't really have problems meeting people. Why do I need a $200 sex toy to meet people? That's not what I want the thing for. That's like buying gas because you want a car.
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no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 05:30 (UTC)The class was on a combination of energy work (think Shiatsu) with rope work... And we found that he could identify important points, but tell us nothing useful about what they did, and his answer to any specific questions was essentially, "try it and see." There's nothing wrong with "try it and see" as an answer to many questions, but if the question is, "so what am I looking for?" or worse yet, "so what was I supposed to see there?", it's a remarkable anticlimax.
It's entirely possible that he's better at teaching the subject you heard, but we *really* didn't like his hand-wavey explanations or refusal to define words he was using when it came to energy work with rope.
We also would have been a lot more okay with it in a shorter class. They tend to be cheaper. We paid around $400 for the weekend class, and in retrospect wish we hadn't.
So I guess I mean, it's possible the reason you felt like there was a lot of information but walked away with little is because he didn't or couldn't explain it... Please be careful before assuming that more time will fix the problem, because it didn't for us :-)
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 05:36 (UTC)I agree that he's bad with explaining what everything means. Thankfully, our class spent a great deal of class time discussing among ourselves what the potential implications are. He seemed very excited by that.
The more I think about it, though, the less I think it'll ever be something I can really use. He does it for a living, and therefore gets lots of practice. That's never going to be me.
On the plus side, his classes were part of my ShibariCon fee, so I paid a lot less than you did :)
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 15:58 (UTC)Yeah. I got the impression that with good Shiatsu classes I could probably have figured the stuff out on my own, or at least done a lot better than that class. Then again, good Shiatsu classes take a lot longer than a weekend, and a lot more than $400 :-)
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 15:59 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 20:05 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 19:40 (UTC)First, are you talking about indulging your fantasy life with her, or are you seeking other people to play with? How many roles do you need to fill, and how can you fill them? This was the biggest shock for me, because I had a fairly crazy example, and the number of people willing to dress up as cultists and chant ominously while I bang a girl on a sacrificial altar was surprisingly high. I thought it would be overwhelmingly difficult to find actors, but all I had to do was actually ask.
You also have to figure out the props and setting you NEED, versus what would be ideal. Eg, I'd love a hand-carved altar, but really I just need somewhere I can strap the slut down to.
You also need to consider potential risks and ways to mitigate them. Also, what are successful and unsuccessful outcomes? Does it require everyone involved orgasm? Communication with the cast helps avoid problems.
And so on, and so forth.
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 20:20 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 20:31 (UTC)Re: That's fair...
Date: 3 Jun 2008 21:30 (UTC)I have a real problem with making time in my life to enjoy the physical company of women I care about. LDB, for example, has to pretty much force me to have sex, because I get so distracted by all the intellectual & social stuff I like to do with her. Joining a BDSM club with limited hours (only open on weekends) means that I set aside time to just "play" with her. It also encourages me to talk to her about sex and sensuality.
All of that was stuff that got lost in my relationship with My Ex. Communication, fantasy sharing, showing appreciation for each other's bodies. It wouldn't have solved our problems, but it might have made me more wiling to work through them.
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 15:29 (UTC)victimplaymate before getting the toys... I mean, I wouldn't advocate using toys to recruit playmates either but no reason not to have toys waiting for when you find a suitable playmate, right?no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 19:24 (UTC)There's a huge difference between that and dropping $200 on a giant hunk of metal that may only grow dust and make me feel like a spend-thrift fool every time I open up my bag and see it lying there, still unused.
Plus, I have a lot of expensive hobbies, and an even more expensive job. There are any number of things I could spend two hundred dollars on and get immediate enjoyment out of....
And that brings up another possible subject for an LJ entry.
no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 15:50 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Jun 2008 19:31 (UTC)A hotel room in the convention hotel (which I definitely recommend) is roughly $500 for the weekend. The hotel restaurant is buffet style, and is $20 for dinner.
Of course, I'd love to see all my Pittsburgh peeps there, or anywhere, but do keep in mind that it is an event heavily focused on rope bondage, and little else.
If you do decide to come next year, I can pick you up from the airport, and you might even be able to talk me into a grocery run. I'm *sure* we can find some way for you two to pay me back that will benefit us all. *grin*
no subject
Date: 13 Mar 2009 22:27 (UTC)