Prefers Sacrifice
24 July 2006 14:59![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulBeen spending as much time as possible with Prefers Sacrifice before she moves to Athens. Strange serendipity, that she should move to the city I just picked a friend up from a few short months ago.
At one point, we were sitting around after a photo shoot with her sister, who is visiting. PS's girl had just called, and the two of them chatted on the phone while I continued to photograph her sister. My feathers were ruffled a little, unreasonably I felt, that she would sit and talk to the woman she's moving in with while I tried to say goodbye, tried to soak up every last minute.
"I'm sorry," PS tells me. It's okay, I understand.... I pause, then decide that I don't care if her sister hears me say it. I know it's silly of me to feel this, I know that it's not really true, but the rest of that sentence is, "I understand, it's just that you care more about her than me.
PS smiles at me, sweet and gentle. She understands that even being able to say that out loud, in front of others, is a sign of just how much she means to me. "It's not true. I love you just as much as her."
She leaves tomorrow.
There's a big group of us driving up to Ren Faire, and I turn up the volume as I hear PS whisper to her sister, "This is the song he plays whenever he starts to miss me."
Another blip on the radar, another moment in time, PS's sister says to me, "I know that you're the closest friend she has here, and she's always telling me stories about the two of you hanging out." Still this part of me, so frighteningly soothed by the idea that she talks about me, that anyone talks about me, when I'm not there. That I exist in their thoughts beyond the registering of my physical presence. I make an impression, I last, I continue on, some weird permutation of that essential proof, "I think of you, therefore you are." I do not want to want it, but I do.
She leaves tomorrow, but she will not stop thinking of me when she does, I will continue to exist, the idea of me will continue to have an effect on her no matter how long we go between contact.
So fly away bird, fly a long way home. It's good to see you happy but I'm sad to be alone.
At one point, we were sitting around after a photo shoot with her sister, who is visiting. PS's girl had just called, and the two of them chatted on the phone while I continued to photograph her sister. My feathers were ruffled a little, unreasonably I felt, that she would sit and talk to the woman she's moving in with while I tried to say goodbye, tried to soak up every last minute.
"I'm sorry," PS tells me. It's okay, I understand.... I pause, then decide that I don't care if her sister hears me say it. I know it's silly of me to feel this, I know that it's not really true, but the rest of that sentence is, "I understand, it's just that you care more about her than me.
PS smiles at me, sweet and gentle. She understands that even being able to say that out loud, in front of others, is a sign of just how much she means to me. "It's not true. I love you just as much as her."
She leaves tomorrow.
There's a big group of us driving up to Ren Faire, and I turn up the volume as I hear PS whisper to her sister, "This is the song he plays whenever he starts to miss me."
Another blip on the radar, another moment in time, PS's sister says to me, "I know that you're the closest friend she has here, and she's always telling me stories about the two of you hanging out." Still this part of me, so frighteningly soothed by the idea that she talks about me, that anyone talks about me, when I'm not there. That I exist in their thoughts beyond the registering of my physical presence. I make an impression, I last, I continue on, some weird permutation of that essential proof, "I think of you, therefore you are." I do not want to want it, but I do.
She leaves tomorrow, but she will not stop thinking of me when she does, I will continue to exist, the idea of me will continue to have an effect on her no matter how long we go between contact.
So fly away bird, fly a long way home. It's good to see you happy but I'm sad to be alone.