stuff with (f)AD update

[amul]

I don't really have time to be writing an entry right now, but I have a few thoughts that I really need to spew out.

The emotional roller coaster has leveled out for the last few days, after a tumbling, twisting series of ups and downs over Shibari Con weekend. Hard as I try to accept responsibility for my own part in these issues, I grow more convinced that (f)AD's boyfriend, The Haughty Orphan, is the one primarily at fault for this instability. I say this because he shows all the traits and habits which led (f)AD to such manic-depressive states last year. She, at least, has learned to deal with situations in a much more reasonable fashion (I'm actually really impressed that this is the same girl who used to throw screaming tantrums just twelve months ago).

I do not want to hate him for (f)AD's betrayal of last year, and yet I do. I do not want to consider him a source of turmoil, and yet I do. I want to respect him as the choice she made, and yet the more I hear about him, the more I interact with him or watch them interact, the less he becomes in my eyes.

I cannot deny that I take a certain pleasure in this, watching her struggle to deal with the same childishness that was such a source of frustration for me. Yet, it is a bitter pleasure, because I want her to have a good life and I begin to doubt his ability to grow up, to take responsibility gracefully.

Bitter also, because I know it is not my place to make such judgments. Yet I do.

Things have stabilized briefly, and like with any roller coaster, it makes me tense all the more. Surely, a downward turn must be coming soon. One part of me wants to raise my hands to the sky and let it come, but I push my feet against the floor and grip the safety bar tight.

I've been feeling particularly low because I reacted so strongly to old wounds when I saw them again, and it had been interfering in my ability to be there for her. Selfishly, I have been focusing on the hurt of days gone by rather than helping the current situation, and it has made me feel ignoble. Now, things are calm and I feel that I can set out to be the source of strength I had hoped to be, but I am not at ease in this position. I anticipate future problems, and I feel that I know where they will come from.

It's hard for me to know the truth of things, to feel that I judge the situation with unbiased eyes. Many people have told me that I have already done more than they could ever bring themselves to do, were they in my shoes. But to (f)AD, I feel that she is disappointed in how little I have to give her, and THO. She agrees that I should not feel an obligation to help him, yet I perceive her to want me to care more about him.

Where is the line? I cannot see it. I am down among the trees in the valley. A few weeks ago, I could see the forest from up on my hillside, saw all the paths. Now, I have picked one and I must walk it and trust my earlier judgments.

I do not know any longer if I have the strength for this. Another disruption to this trembling tower of toothpicks may cause me to completely fall apart. I need to escape for a while, be myself and all that it entails. But time with her is still precious to me, not lightly squandered, and it is hard to give it up for my own needs.

Yesterday, before we fell asleep, she read me entries from her old journals, from the period right before we met and during. It was profoundly consoling to hear how precisely I had been what she needed at that time, how perceptively she understood and wanted to be exactly what I needed.

I had such tremendous fears about dating someone so young. Dan Savage had advised that it would be fine, "it's like campsites, just leave her in better condition than you found her in." I guess the truth is that I did that, that I helped her grow to a place where she no longer needed what I had to offer. Can I really complain about such a thing?

Still, it has me thinking about the vast difference between the relationships I have, friendly and more, versus what she and I once had. I still want those things, still need them in my life. I want an artist girlfriend! Someone who can make cleaning the dishes and doing laundry merely the tasks our hands are at while we plan and create art. Someone who will talk to me until the wee hours about the nature of nudes, the beauty of lines, the considerations of color.

Sadly, I have other, far more important priorities right now. I do not have the time to look for such a thing.

I had assumed that having her here would ease the burden of loneliness that had been so weighty to me these last several months. Instead, she has only defined it more precisely. Like a lens, she has brought all into focus, sharp and vibrant to my eye.

Comments

[elissa-carey.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you don't know what you are missing, precisely, until it is right there in your face. And painful as it can be (or wonderful, as I've been finding out), I believe that it's also a good thing. You can come away with this new knowledge and do something about it, instead of groping about blindly and uncertainly for something you're not even sure is there.

[amul.livejournal.com]

I feel almost selfish at this point. This arrangement has been amazingly cathartic for me, especially in the ways it coincided with Shibari Con. She was supposed to come here to GET support from me.

Not sure if it was clear or not, but I'm appreciating it all. I have a lot of questions, but it feels good to be asking them.

[elissa-carey.livejournal.com]

Good! :) Listen: it's not selfish if both of you are getting something out of it all. It only becomes selfish if you turn your back on what she needs and wants and only focus on yours. From the sound of it, you're doing fine in trying to juggle that.