Unpaintable Canvas
21 February 2006 16:39![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulWhy is it that every time I schedule two shoots in the same day, both models cancel on me? And people wonder why I so rarely use more than one model at a time.
Mistress Sophia was sick, and Unpaintable Canvas got a sudden attack of the Girly Self-Consciousness on the way over to my studio. It's just no good trying to explain to a woman that she doesn't need to shave her legs when I'm shooting abstracts. Nor does my camera particularly care if she does smell like onions.
Still, I'd been wanting time alone with UC away from the studio, so I didn't gripe too much. Something strange happened between us at Capri Con, and she seems to now embrace the particular, peculiar relationship I've been so enjoying with her. Suddenly, that trip to the Ozarks was much more of a bonding experience than I once thought it was. I think what it really boils down to is that she finally believes that all my talk about the Model/Photographer relationship we're developing isn't some cheap ploy to sleep with her.
We had dinner at that restaurant/bar I took Blue Beard to a few weeks ago, the one Pure Earth introduced me to. We had the same waitress, even. Afterward, we went back to my place and reviewed all of the shoots she and I have done together. Displaying none of her previous hesitation, she eagerly wrapped herself in my arms as we sat on the floor, with Chapati before us. There's something about looking at digital negatives that just isn't the same as pouring over a contact sheet, and I realize now with a small frown on my face that I could have shown her the contact sheets from the first Projection series I shot with her.
It was a strange pleasure, one I'm having a difficult time describing, seeing her eagerly accepting my nigh-parental affection for her. She even asked me to provide moral support during a thing she's got coming in a few months, the details of which are not mine to share.
At one point, I was telling her about the latest news with the (formerly) Achingly Defiant, and my Priceless Pearl, and she suddenly piped up, "You take care of so many people! Are you sure you can take care of me, too?" It's my way of taking a break from my own problems, you know. I'll take all the escapes I can find.
It's useless to deny that I had a very male response to this sudden influx of acceptance and comfort from a source I've been long interested in. UC is constantly talking about how she likes things just as they are now, several times she suddenly punched me in the arm without warning, and chided, "Things are going to stay just like this, okay! You're not allowed to get married and forget about me!"
Times like that, she is most the child she was never allowed to be, and I find myself utterly falling into a protective role. How do you explain to a child that things must change? Especially a child hiding inside such a beautiful woman?
I worry over how long this moment can last between us, before it inevitably reacts to the age-old problems that face men and women in pseudo-sensual friendships. My motives are pure, but I think perhaps her expectations are unrealistic. At some point, even if only briefly, this relationship will spark a sexual desire in one or both of us. She is a woman who never had a parent worthy of the name, and she unconsciously uses her body to draw people in, and her sex to push people away.
I can do nothing about this dread apocalypse I see glimmering on the far horizon of potential futures. Nothing, except trust to the lessons I've learned in the last few years about Being A Man, and idly wonder: what would Radiant Idol do? She is the only one I can imagine who would be able to survive such an event with her friendship intact.
Mistress Sophia was sick, and Unpaintable Canvas got a sudden attack of the Girly Self-Consciousness on the way over to my studio. It's just no good trying to explain to a woman that she doesn't need to shave her legs when I'm shooting abstracts. Nor does my camera particularly care if she does smell like onions.
Still, I'd been wanting time alone with UC away from the studio, so I didn't gripe too much. Something strange happened between us at Capri Con, and she seems to now embrace the particular, peculiar relationship I've been so enjoying with her. Suddenly, that trip to the Ozarks was much more of a bonding experience than I once thought it was. I think what it really boils down to is that she finally believes that all my talk about the Model/Photographer relationship we're developing isn't some cheap ploy to sleep with her.
We had dinner at that restaurant/bar I took Blue Beard to a few weeks ago, the one Pure Earth introduced me to. We had the same waitress, even. Afterward, we went back to my place and reviewed all of the shoots she and I have done together. Displaying none of her previous hesitation, she eagerly wrapped herself in my arms as we sat on the floor, with Chapati before us. There's something about looking at digital negatives that just isn't the same as pouring over a contact sheet, and I realize now with a small frown on my face that I could have shown her the contact sheets from the first Projection series I shot with her.
It was a strange pleasure, one I'm having a difficult time describing, seeing her eagerly accepting my nigh-parental affection for her. She even asked me to provide moral support during a thing she's got coming in a few months, the details of which are not mine to share.
At one point, I was telling her about the latest news with the (formerly) Achingly Defiant, and my Priceless Pearl, and she suddenly piped up, "You take care of so many people! Are you sure you can take care of me, too?" It's my way of taking a break from my own problems, you know. I'll take all the escapes I can find.
It's useless to deny that I had a very male response to this sudden influx of acceptance and comfort from a source I've been long interested in. UC is constantly talking about how she likes things just as they are now, several times she suddenly punched me in the arm without warning, and chided, "Things are going to stay just like this, okay! You're not allowed to get married and forget about me!"
Times like that, she is most the child she was never allowed to be, and I find myself utterly falling into a protective role. How do you explain to a child that things must change? Especially a child hiding inside such a beautiful woman?
I worry over how long this moment can last between us, before it inevitably reacts to the age-old problems that face men and women in pseudo-sensual friendships. My motives are pure, but I think perhaps her expectations are unrealistic. At some point, even if only briefly, this relationship will spark a sexual desire in one or both of us. She is a woman who never had a parent worthy of the name, and she unconsciously uses her body to draw people in, and her sex to push people away.
I can do nothing about this dread apocalypse I see glimmering on the far horizon of potential futures. Nothing, except trust to the lessons I've learned in the last few years about Being A Man, and idly wonder: what would Radiant Idol do? She is the only one I can imagine who would be able to survive such an event with her friendship intact.
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Date: 23 Feb 2006 14:34 (UTC)