Ziggy sighting

[amul]

Got a phone call from (f)AD tonight. She's doing okay. She's been getting a lot of compliments from the managers at the coffeehouse she's now working at, they're very impressed with her ability to learn recipes and handle rushes. She and Alex are saving money for a place of their own, but things at the punk house she's staying at are probably going to force them into make a decision more quickly than I would prefer, vis-a-vis the apartment search. Not that I have any say in such matters.....

I just keep mumbling my mantra under my breath. She's a big girl and she can take care of herself. She's a big girl and she can take care of herself.... This is the problem with playing the Humbert.

(f)AD is freaking out a bit about her future, as questions about the next few months of her life loom larger with no answers in sight, it becomes harder for her to think about what happens after the big day. It's okay, I tried to tell her, you're just down in the valley. Sometimes you're up on a hill and you can see for miles around you, pick and choose the paths you want to take and see where the roads all lead. But right now you're down in the valley, and you just have to pick your way through the trees and be confidant that the hill you saw is up ahead.


But my words don't seem to have the power to comfort her as once they did. It seems some essential piece of that skill came from the devotion we once shared. I couldn't even glomm at her about my new art projects without hearing distraction in her voice. It still hurts a little, knowing that this was once the girl who gave such strong affirmation to the art ideas I had.

I just keep whittling away at these blocks of need I have. They started off big and formless, and didn't really fit in my hand so well. But I shave them down, one strip at a time, one long curl of needs which I accept are not available to me right now, splinters of hope and desire falling from the edges. I just keep whittling away, looking for some shape, looking for something I can clasp.

I don't have anyone to work into a fervor about the photos I'm going to take. Just let that one drop onto the floor. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

At one point, she asked me if I was dating anyone, and the words just slipped out, I still haven't found anyone as cool as you.

And in the awkward silence that followed, I cursed myself for a fool.

Comments

[mothburning.livejournal.com]

You'll remember that I myself have not made one iota of artwork since last July when I finished Ephemera #3. Hierarchy of needs, man. & don't think I don't feel bad about being so distracted, either. But I think I'm allowed to be.

[amul.livejournal.com]

I know better than to be bitter or blameful for what's going on in your life, and how it affects our friendship. But you showed me where my heart was, and I'm going to keep looking inside it.

It's the whole range of human emotions you gave back to me, Z, the bad along with the good. This time, I'm going to try and experience them all.

Of course, I still am learning how to HANDLE them, what to do with them. But you know, that's step two.

[mothburning.livejournal.com]

Yeh. I was just sayin'.

[amul.livejournal.com]

By the way, the next time you visit, make sure you bring your negatives. There was a Going Out Of Business sale, and I've got a couple of stacks of emulsion paper in various sizes you can use. I can probably lend you 300 or 400 sheets :)

[mothburning.livejournal.com]

*googly-eyes*

It occurs to me that I haven't really been in the darkroom for nearly a year...except for that last time I visited you, but I wasn't really feeling it then anyway. Ack.

[amul.livejournal.com]

I look forward to having the opportunity to give back to you what you once gave to me :)