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amulApple Martini called me today, the first audio contact we've had since...Windy Con? September or so, when she stopped by Chicago briefly and we almost hung out, had it not been for my killer hangover. She and her man were fighting, and she needed the kind of advice that you can only get from someone you've been intimate with. In typical AM-style, she was calling me while driving between work and some other appointment.
I confess, there was a part of me wondering if we would hook up again if they broke up. There's a part of me that wants to chastize myself for such egocentric thinking while a friend is hurting, and another part that wonders if maybe that's just a human response, that this is yet another time when I'm being too hard on myself.
That's a question that I've been struggling a lot with, the line between Too Hard On Yourself and trying to give your all to improving.
I also got an email from Not A Hooker, which is the first time I've heard from her since she moved....gods, I don't even know WHEN that was. Spring? Summer? A lifetime ago.
I felt a buoyancy of spirit after these calls, and on analyzing, have realized that much of my social frustrations these days are the same problems I've been complaining about for years. The obvious conclusion is that this must be some internal problem, but I am unable to identify it.
I get frustrated that no one ever seems to call me, that while I'm always part of the group that gets invited out, few people ever seem to ask for me specifically. But as I said, this is something I had issues with back in Pittsburgh, too, so I have to wonder what that means. Do I somehow make myself seem unavailable? Do I come off as uninviting?
Maybe I'm not making enough of an effort to seek out one-on-one socializing with others myself, but I feel like I have been. I redoubled my efforts on that score for the last three months, and don't feel like I have anything to show for it.
Maybe I just don't appreciate the one-on-one time I do get. Maybe it's just something inherent to the nature of meeting people in large groups, you never think to reach out to them as individuals.
I don't know. I don't know what to think about this at all, but I really dislike it. I feel like everybody else in the world has all these cool moments that they shared with people, and I just have stories about when I got really drunk at this one party and made an ass of myself.
I confess, there was a part of me wondering if we would hook up again if they broke up. There's a part of me that wants to chastize myself for such egocentric thinking while a friend is hurting, and another part that wonders if maybe that's just a human response, that this is yet another time when I'm being too hard on myself.
That's a question that I've been struggling a lot with, the line between Too Hard On Yourself and trying to give your all to improving.
I also got an email from Not A Hooker, which is the first time I've heard from her since she moved....gods, I don't even know WHEN that was. Spring? Summer? A lifetime ago.
I felt a buoyancy of spirit after these calls, and on analyzing, have realized that much of my social frustrations these days are the same problems I've been complaining about for years. The obvious conclusion is that this must be some internal problem, but I am unable to identify it.
I get frustrated that no one ever seems to call me, that while I'm always part of the group that gets invited out, few people ever seem to ask for me specifically. But as I said, this is something I had issues with back in Pittsburgh, too, so I have to wonder what that means. Do I somehow make myself seem unavailable? Do I come off as uninviting?
Maybe I'm not making enough of an effort to seek out one-on-one socializing with others myself, but I feel like I have been. I redoubled my efforts on that score for the last three months, and don't feel like I have anything to show for it.
Maybe I just don't appreciate the one-on-one time I do get. Maybe it's just something inherent to the nature of meeting people in large groups, you never think to reach out to them as individuals.
I don't know. I don't know what to think about this at all, but I really dislike it. I feel like everybody else in the world has all these cool moments that they shared with people, and I just have stories about when I got really drunk at this one party and made an ass of myself.
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Date: 8 Feb 2006 19:35 (UTC)And thanks for the input on the other thing. I have a real problem isolating what's human nature and what's specifically me.