How it went. (1/2)

[amul]

Summary: For the first date I've ever been on, that was totally average.

I've got about a thousand thoughts running through my head, and I'm at Game right now, so more details are being typed up, but slowly.

Key excerpt of conversation:
I'm only really interested in dating casually right now, I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
Her: "I'd much rather skip the whole dating phase and move straight to living with someone."



She didn't look quite look like I expected. A little on the heavier side of the range of women I find attractive, although still within that range. Still, most of the women I've been pursuing lately have been on the other end of that scale, and she was definitely larger than My Ex was when I first met her (though certainly not as bad as at the end of things). I say all of this because it's the only reason I can think of to explain....

Well, you know how I'm always complaining that I can't seem to remember what My Ex's face looked like. I guess you could say the good news is, after last night, I don't have that problem anymore.

The thing is, she didn't look like her at all. When I examined her individual features, they were nothing at all like My Ex. But if I looked at her face as a whole, then I saw Christine.

It was awkward at first, anyway. The way I'm sure first dates always are. But staring at that face, I just couldn't bring myself to believe anything she said. I questioned every trite story, sought hidden meaning behind every lame joke. I recognized these things as internal issues, and tried to look beyond these fears and find the person again.

I tried to breathe, relax, enjoy myself. It was more difficult than I imagined. Externally, I was enjoying her company, laughing and sharing stories. Internally, I was comparing everything she said to nine years worth of words and gestures, seeking commonality. It is so surprising that I found some?

Trying to view the situation with a critical eye, even now, remains difficult. At the most basic level, she and I are clearly not looking for the same thing. She made repeated mention of a distaste for casual dating, made it clear that she was interested in only long term potential. When I told her that I absolutely was not looking for such things, her response was, "I can wait." That bothered me, but I passed it off as more internal debris. Now, though, I am less sure.

At one point I asked her what her interest in me was, and she started talking about Boyfriends, and how she felt I would make a good one. I should have called it a night, then, I see that now, but I was.....well, it's been quite a while since anyone has wanted me with quite the ferocity she had worked up.

We ended up back at my place, and over a few bottles of wine I came to realize that I was absolutely the kind of guy who kisses on a first date, whether I consider that moral or no.

Here things get trickier, the thoughts get stranger and more intertwined. I've been discussing with (f)AD for a while now the question of exactly what place I want my fetishes to have in my life, how important they are to me. Last night, new questions of that nature were raised. I'll discuss them in greater detail tomorrow, but here is the basic gist of them:

You cannot engage in dominance games, in power exchange when you are as completely incapable of trusting as I seem to have become.

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[amul.livejournal.com]

Yes, that was pretty much what was going through my brain at the time.