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amulRight, then. I've just offended four people in the last hour without meaning to.
Think I'll go find a rock to hide under until the holidays are over.
If you wish to cheer me up, I would appreciate some commiserating about how you also hate dealing with your family.
For some reason, all this month, I have been petrified that someone is mad at me. Not in the general, paranoid sense. It's always specific individuals, but it's been pretty constant. So-and-so is secretly mad at me, and I don't know why, but she won't tell me, and even if I ask her, she won't tell me the truth.
Someone is mad at me and she is hiding it from me, letting it fester. Letting it grow out of proportion until it'll get so big that I won't be able to atone for whatever wrong I did her.
Someone, always a specific someone. Anyone I've been out of touch with for anything I perceive to be an uncomfortable period of time. Gods, practically my entire friends' list, plus more. I fretted over a two-hour delay in email response, even though I knew Cave Dwelling Eyes was at a movie theater watching Narnia! Even Radiant Idol, who until now was the only person I was ever 100% confident would always tell me if I'd wronged her. Even her, I now secretly believe hates me, no matter what my intellect says. Even when I finally work up the nerve to ask, when they assure me they are not upset, that it is simply the holidays and busy (which I KNOW), despite all reassurance I cannot bring myself to believe them.
They lie. They lie and say they are fine but the truth is they hate me.
"Well," a friend asks, "why do you think these women are mad at you? Is it? Just women, I mean. What wrong have you done them?"
I don't know. They won't tell me. Maybe I've betrayed a confidence, or accidentally humiliated them in public, or I bug them too often to spend time with me. They're tired of watching me fumble around trying to get a clue. They're bored with letting me treat them like substitute girlfriends. They are just.....done with me, and will not even do me the courtesy of letting me know.
"Do you deserve it?" *miserably* Yes. "Amul, no one is avoiding you. You are avoiding them. You are picking fights with them. You're picking fights with them so you can avoid them out of fear of reprisal."
I know. In my head, I know.
Think I'll go find a rock to hide under until the holidays are over.
If you wish to cheer me up, I would appreciate some commiserating about how you also hate dealing with your family.
My problem seems to be this:
1) I am unwilling to try experiences alone.
2) When I ask "everyone on List X" if they want to join me, I don't get any response.
3) When I ask specific people if they want to join me, they have plans that I didn't know about.
a) I feel like this obligates me to go do my thing without their company, or else they will feel bad when they find out I didn't go
b) I don't feel like I'm invited to the thing I only found out about when I asked someone to do something else
4) I feel that I do not get included in spontaneously-chosen events, because I am always perceived to be busy. This wouldn't be nearly so frustrating if, when people do invite me out, I discover I am busy. Yet the feeling that I am being left out persists.
For some reason, all this month, I have been petrified that someone is mad at me. Not in the general, paranoid sense. It's always specific individuals, but it's been pretty constant. So-and-so is secretly mad at me, and I don't know why, but she won't tell me, and even if I ask her, she won't tell me the truth.
Someone is mad at me and she is hiding it from me, letting it fester. Letting it grow out of proportion until it'll get so big that I won't be able to atone for whatever wrong I did her.
Someone, always a specific someone. Anyone I've been out of touch with for anything I perceive to be an uncomfortable period of time. Gods, practically my entire friends' list, plus more. I fretted over a two-hour delay in email response, even though I knew Cave Dwelling Eyes was at a movie theater watching Narnia! Even Radiant Idol, who until now was the only person I was ever 100% confident would always tell me if I'd wronged her. Even her, I now secretly believe hates me, no matter what my intellect says. Even when I finally work up the nerve to ask, when they assure me they are not upset, that it is simply the holidays and busy (which I KNOW), despite all reassurance I cannot bring myself to believe them.
They lie. They lie and say they are fine but the truth is they hate me.
"Well," a friend asks, "why do you think these women are mad at you? Is it? Just women, I mean. What wrong have you done them?"
I don't know. They won't tell me. Maybe I've betrayed a confidence, or accidentally humiliated them in public, or I bug them too often to spend time with me. They're tired of watching me fumble around trying to get a clue. They're bored with letting me treat them like substitute girlfriends. They are just.....done with me, and will not even do me the courtesy of letting me know.
"Do you deserve it?" *miserably* Yes. "Amul, no one is avoiding you. You are avoiding them. You are picking fights with them. You're picking fights with them so you can avoid them out of fear of reprisal."
I know. In my head, I know.
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no subject
Date: 20 Dec 2005 22:48 (UTC)Living tends to focus our attention. Like a camera lens pointed at a beautiful derelict building. But life is just life - everything's fine. No need to over-exaggerate so many things out of proportion. Breathe deeply once in a while.
I'm sure your friends in Chicago aren't involved in some clandestine cabal. You can't force things all the time - give other people the chance to ask you out. They're probably just as involved in their lives.
no subject
Date: 20 Dec 2005 23:10 (UTC)By the way, I'm really very, very happy that you're commenting on my stuff again. I wish you would post more about your own life so that I could feel like I was still a part of it.
Just my way of saying, "Happy Holidays," and I love you.
no subject
Date: 21 Dec 2005 00:42 (UTC)Express (release) your fears through action - intellect can only accomplish so much. I recommend thrashing in a mosh pit - it's worked wonders for me. Alternately, walk into an all-black Chicago bar and shout "Where's all the negros at?" Either way, get out & about, let the environment change you.
Urban fu.
no subject
Date: 21 Dec 2005 02:14 (UTC)Narnia Ruined!
Date: 21 Dec 2005 01:09 (UTC);)
Re: Narnia Ruined!
Date: 21 Dec 2005 02:13 (UTC)Re: Narnia Ruined!
Date: 21 Dec 2005 02:22 (UTC)Re: Narnia Ruined!
Date: 21 Dec 2005 06:40 (UTC)