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amulWindmills
Toad the Wet Sprocket
I spend too much time raiding windmills
We go side by side laugh until it's right
Take the darkest hour break it open
Water to repair what we have broken
There's something that you won't show
Waiting where the light goes
And anyway the wind blows
All worth waiting for
Pull on the borders to lighten the load
Tell all the passengers we're going home
I spend too much time seeking shelter
World without end couldn't hold her
Okay, I've got a few minutes before class. I'll try posting something real.
I've put down all the discipline I've been trying so hard to hold on to, had to in order to meet these deadlines. The final projects still aren't the quality I wanted them to be. Well, not strictly true. The websight has 90% of the functionality I want it to. (must remember to email the URL to Julia).
Anyway, I hadn't really realized how bad it had become until I started chilling with Cave Dwelling Eyes. On top of the whole Not Sleeping thing, I'd not been eating. In fact, the only time, as near as I can tell, that I ate a solid meal in the last month, was when I ate that food with company. On the other hand, I've only smoked two cigarettes in roughly three weeks. I really want one right now, actually.
What's funny about that is I totally have smoker's cough right now, and I don't understand why. Maybe it's just the dryness of my apartment.
CDE is as cuddly as I am, now that we've broken past our unfamiliarity. It's a tremendous relief and a painful problem all at the same time. The only time I really feel relaxed these days is when someone is holding on to me tight enough to keep me from moving. On the other hand, it makes me extremely cognizant of deeper, more primal needs remaining unfufilled. Not just the sex stuff, but also a profound lack of Territory. None of my hunting grounds are available to me right now, none of them smell like they used to.
Sexual frustration is getting quite problematic, though. One of the problems with having the great run of relationships right after everything is that I don't really have any fantasies left. Everything I'd ever dreamed of doing (well, everything that could be done with a relative stranger), I've done. I have memories of things I liked doing, and I can try to picture new people in those same positions, but inevitably slip back to the original event, which leaves the cold taste of abandonment on my lips. Consequently, the even the few mild sexual interests I've had (Radiant Idol, the girl from the club, the Coffee House Camera Girl) in the last four or five months have only given rise to fantasies of relationships, not sex.
Once again, I find myself several steps removed from my actual emotional state. It's not that I want to fuck. I want to want to fuck. But instead the most I can dream up is the soft moments before and after such dreamt of sexual interludes. Today, for example, I've been remembering what it felt like to wrap my fingers around a girl's neck and pull her lips towards mine. The fantasy stops short of the kiss, though. I get as far as imagining a welcoming smile on her face, and that's it. I've shot my metaphorical load.
Sigh. Sex and Territory. I'm sadly lacking in both, and haven't had time to dedicate to the joys I do have which I'd been so deprived of these last however many years. I've been making jokes for a while about how I'm dating my camera, and now I kind of feel like, instead of renting a new bachelor pad somewhere near my Wicker Park friends, I've decided to let my camera move in with me. I'm not just dating my camera anymore, we're living in sin together. Already she doesn't like to go out as much as she did when I first started hanging out with my camera more than my friends. I remember all the things my camera and I used to do, and they were really cool times. Now she just sits on a shelf and asks, "Don't you have photos to edit?"
Still, I think I'll be getting her a new lens for Xmas.
Territory. I've been trying to discuss the territory thing. I really liked having a stomping ground where everybody went. A place, outside my home, where I could go and know that eventually, people would show up. I feel confined, locked up, without it. Granted, a lot of that has been greatly relieved by the new laptop (which still needs a name. I'm debating between Rye and Seven Grain). I've been heading to people's houses to geek out on my own material, which is cool. Plus, the chance to reorganize everything. That's a huge plus. But I need places that are Mine to go to, and between the Bottom Lounge closing and the stuff with Neo....it feels like my home has shrunk back down to the size of my apartment.
Granted, granted. We're working on that. But in the mean time, I'm itching for it. A lot of this has to do with the weather, I'm sure. All week. I've been trying to run out the door without my scarf or hat. It's getting bad.
*sigh* Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I pick up my discipline again, I start looking for territory, I start contemplating my morality. That's tomorrow's To Do List.
Toad the Wet Sprocket
I spend too much time raiding windmills
We go side by side laugh until it's right
Take the darkest hour break it open
Water to repair what we have broken
There's something that you won't show
Waiting where the light goes
And anyway the wind blows
All worth waiting for
Pull on the borders to lighten the load
Tell all the passengers we're going home
I spend too much time seeking shelter
World without end couldn't hold her
Okay, I've got a few minutes before class. I'll try posting something real.
I've put down all the discipline I've been trying so hard to hold on to, had to in order to meet these deadlines. The final projects still aren't the quality I wanted them to be. Well, not strictly true. The websight has 90% of the functionality I want it to. (must remember to email the URL to Julia).
Anyway, I hadn't really realized how bad it had become until I started chilling with Cave Dwelling Eyes. On top of the whole Not Sleeping thing, I'd not been eating. In fact, the only time, as near as I can tell, that I ate a solid meal in the last month, was when I ate that food with company. On the other hand, I've only smoked two cigarettes in roughly three weeks. I really want one right now, actually.
What's funny about that is I totally have smoker's cough right now, and I don't understand why. Maybe it's just the dryness of my apartment.
CDE is as cuddly as I am, now that we've broken past our unfamiliarity. It's a tremendous relief and a painful problem all at the same time. The only time I really feel relaxed these days is when someone is holding on to me tight enough to keep me from moving. On the other hand, it makes me extremely cognizant of deeper, more primal needs remaining unfufilled. Not just the sex stuff, but also a profound lack of Territory. None of my hunting grounds are available to me right now, none of them smell like they used to.
Sexual frustration is getting quite problematic, though. One of the problems with having the great run of relationships right after everything is that I don't really have any fantasies left. Everything I'd ever dreamed of doing (well, everything that could be done with a relative stranger), I've done. I have memories of things I liked doing, and I can try to picture new people in those same positions, but inevitably slip back to the original event, which leaves the cold taste of abandonment on my lips. Consequently, the even the few mild sexual interests I've had (Radiant Idol, the girl from the club, the Coffee House Camera Girl) in the last four or five months have only given rise to fantasies of relationships, not sex.
Once again, I find myself several steps removed from my actual emotional state. It's not that I want to fuck. I want to want to fuck. But instead the most I can dream up is the soft moments before and after such dreamt of sexual interludes. Today, for example, I've been remembering what it felt like to wrap my fingers around a girl's neck and pull her lips towards mine. The fantasy stops short of the kiss, though. I get as far as imagining a welcoming smile on her face, and that's it. I've shot my metaphorical load.
Sigh. Sex and Territory. I'm sadly lacking in both, and haven't had time to dedicate to the joys I do have which I'd been so deprived of these last however many years. I've been making jokes for a while about how I'm dating my camera, and now I kind of feel like, instead of renting a new bachelor pad somewhere near my Wicker Park friends, I've decided to let my camera move in with me. I'm not just dating my camera anymore, we're living in sin together. Already she doesn't like to go out as much as she did when I first started hanging out with my camera more than my friends. I remember all the things my camera and I used to do, and they were really cool times. Now she just sits on a shelf and asks, "Don't you have photos to edit?"
Still, I think I'll be getting her a new lens for Xmas.
Territory. I've been trying to discuss the territory thing. I really liked having a stomping ground where everybody went. A place, outside my home, where I could go and know that eventually, people would show up. I feel confined, locked up, without it. Granted, a lot of that has been greatly relieved by the new laptop (which still needs a name. I'm debating between Rye and Seven Grain). I've been heading to people's houses to geek out on my own material, which is cool. Plus, the chance to reorganize everything. That's a huge plus. But I need places that are Mine to go to, and between the Bottom Lounge closing and the stuff with Neo....it feels like my home has shrunk back down to the size of my apartment.
Granted, granted. We're working on that. But in the mean time, I'm itching for it. A lot of this has to do with the weather, I'm sure. All week. I've been trying to run out the door without my scarf or hat. It's getting bad.
*sigh* Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I pick up my discipline again, I start looking for territory, I start contemplating my morality. That's tomorrow's To Do List.
