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war of the ideals
5 April 2004 01:20It's never been so aparrent to me as it has this week that I have in no way improved my tendencies towards savior complexes and idealism.
I haven't had a good night's sleep for a while. Right now, it's been roughly Bad Reasons and Good Reasons in equal proportions. As I joked at the party, "....now I can't get any rest for all the love and comfort."
I have had solace. I think I've measured the full weight of what it's cost me.
I've realized why I've let some of the stuff get to me. Reasons why that made me such an easy target. Hopefully that will turn out to be healing and not delusion. It is time to start being more proactive again, and hopefully to do so in with a less panicked sense of urgency.
I wish I could still meditate. I lost my sense of center, my ability to clear my mind, right around the first time I ever kissed a girl.
I'm really tired. But I need time on the computer almost as much as I need time to relax in bed before sleeping. It's frustrating being away from my bookmarks and password managers.
*pause* Ah, all caught up at least. Off to bed. To sleep, perchance to recharge my faith.
Oh. I just found this in my pocket, scribbled on a napkin in hot pink ink:
I do not Adore with my eyes
He who adores with his eyes had forgotten the face of his father
I adore with my heart.
I do not Vow with my words
He who vows with his words has forgotten the face of his father
I Vow with my honor
I do not Befriend with my stories
He who befriends with his stories has forgotten the face of his father
I love with my soul
The memory of the day I wrote that is like a foggy memory. It seems to terribly distant. Since that day, two more people have asked to model for me. I worry that they do so out of sympathy. To say more would be to overanalyze. But still, I think it perhaps unnecessary to see the trust that offer is as an obligation. Perhaps I shouldn't shy away letting my emotions affect my prints.
I've come to the point where I've started considering self-portraits. On the one hand, it would free me from that worry. On the other, isn't that worry the same as my nervousness over exhibiting?
ENOUGH! I must try to sleep.
I haven't had a good night's sleep for a while. Right now, it's been roughly Bad Reasons and Good Reasons in equal proportions. As I joked at the party, "....now I can't get any rest for all the love and comfort."
I have had solace. I think I've measured the full weight of what it's cost me.
I've realized why I've let some of the stuff get to me. Reasons why that made me such an easy target. Hopefully that will turn out to be healing and not delusion. It is time to start being more proactive again, and hopefully to do so in with a less panicked sense of urgency.
I wish I could still meditate. I lost my sense of center, my ability to clear my mind, right around the first time I ever kissed a girl.
I'm really tired. But I need time on the computer almost as much as I need time to relax in bed before sleeping. It's frustrating being away from my bookmarks and password managers.
*pause* Ah, all caught up at least. Off to bed. To sleep, perchance to recharge my faith.
Oh. I just found this in my pocket, scribbled on a napkin in hot pink ink:
I do not Adore with my eyes
He who adores with his eyes had forgotten the face of his father
I adore with my heart.
I do not Vow with my words
He who vows with his words has forgotten the face of his father
I Vow with my honor
I do not Befriend with my stories
He who befriends with his stories has forgotten the face of his father
I love with my soul
The memory of the day I wrote that is like a foggy memory. It seems to terribly distant. Since that day, two more people have asked to model for me. I worry that they do so out of sympathy. To say more would be to overanalyze. But still, I think it perhaps unnecessary to see the trust that offer is as an obligation. Perhaps I shouldn't shy away letting my emotions affect my prints.
I've come to the point where I've started considering self-portraits. On the one hand, it would free me from that worry. On the other, isn't that worry the same as my nervousness over exhibiting?
ENOUGH! I must try to sleep.
