back from GenCon

[amul]

Thursday: Doing a favor for FanPro, I picked up a carload of books from the bookbinder's and headed to GenCon Indy 05. Had to wait for four hours at the loading docks while they waited for the books to "dry." Yeah, right. When I finally left, the moon was near-full and large, low in the sky. It was dark red, and followed me all the way to Indy.

*sigh* The moon haunted and hunted me, down those lonely roads. Memory-moon, Mneme-moon. I gave away the greatest metaphors last year, and now they hound me.

Notes from the drive, courtesy of my memo-recorder:

• Improvements I want to make to myself: start exercising, learn self-defense, RVA, going to temple on Sundays, dress better. Dress better and stop wearing t-shirts all the time, start wearing my jewelry, get a better haircut. Stop smoking. Start morning devotions and yoga, every morning.


• (several mix CD ideas)


• Good epitaph for someone on my LJ: the Lady Of Silk and Shame (LOSS)


• 
  
  On the long drive away from my worries
  A cloud reaches out to obscure the moon
  Like dust kicked up from a road I will never walk



• The moon is full again, and within my sights
  A reclining ruby queen nestled among skyscrapers,
  Yet when I abandon the highways of my home for darker turnpikes
  She is distant and white

Got to GenCon, headed straight to the Fantasy Flight party where I was greeted with small fanfare and an abundance of free drinks. Deep in the night, long after the bars closed, Comfortingly Bouncy called begging for some advil. The funny thing was, I spent about fifteen minutes while packing debating if I should bring some. I went on a quick quest to fill her need, and ended up hanging out at her room until, perplexingly, one of her roommates drove me from the room with screams in my ears and tears in my eyes.

I went to a quiet, empty bit of concrete near my own hotel, turned on my ipod, and danced away my hurt and confusion and need to examine the meaning of every gesture and phrase. I danced and sang to all the songs of sorrow I carried with me, and then the dawn rose and I, in full light of day, began to rest and recover.

Friday
Spent the day talking to all my art-show friends, and made several new ones. I was bloody well hung over, and felt lost and behind schedule. Moonhowler was not there, and it didn't feel like GenCon without them. Plus, I had showed up a day late, and there was an overwhelming need to catch up somehow.

That night there was even more drinking, as the FanPro boys continued to try to adopt me. I most emphatically did nothing to help out at the FanPro release party (nothing, I tell you!). Then I realized that it was Christine's birthday. I'd seen it coming, but lost sight of it until it was upon me. The moon was full and it was my ex's birthday, and I try so hard to not believe in signs and portents, pretend like the universe isn't moving planets and social tides just to send me messages.

As I gritted my teeth and told myself it means nothing, my cousin called to wish me a happy Rakhsa Bandan. The holiday has so many names, Rakhi, Bhaiya Dosh....but only one meaning.

It was my ex's birthday, and the moon was full, and it was the day when you get to pick your family. August 19th this year was Brother's Day.

I'd come to GenCon to escape my life and worries for a while, and my new friends helped me build a bonfire out in the dark woods beyond the walls of my citadel. But as we danced and proclaimed the glory of simple pleasure, I could see the red eyes of reality, stalking small circles just outside the light.

I proceeded to get very drunk.

Bits of memory, some from my memo recorder and some from my alcohol-addled mind:

• Tell Thorn Chain to call The One True Dave


• There's a strange advantage to being a photographer, you can hit on women who are normally inaccessible while simultaneously pushing them forever beyond your reach. I tried to explain this to CB, and she instantly grepped the strength of it. "Sure, you can tell them they're attractive, but don't you also end up turning on your professional mode? It becomes business and denies you the possibility of...." Yes, I interrupted her. It's extremely liberating.


• The hot blonde bartender tells me, "You just put butterflies in my stomache. My god, you've made me feel like a girl again. That's awesome, give me your phone number."

Saturday & Sunday, or possibly still Friday
I'd been walking the floor all day and dancing the night away for two days. Everything becomes a blur from this point on. I remember doing shots with Dean Haglund, the awesome look of surprise on Pure Earth's face as I told him who we'd just been drinking with. The Gothsicles and Cruciform Injection. Finally getting a chance to talk to kassitastrophe and learning she is precisely as much of a kindred spirit as I thought she might be when I first set eyes on her. A good, simple conversation with Sal, nothing earth-shattering but still something I'd been wanting to do for a while. Four conversations where I proved myself a better man than Christine ever gave me credit for. Discovering a truth I'd long suspected, and laughter bubbling up from inside me because truth and openness makes everything so much easier....


A moment on the dance floor. I'm exhausted and sitting on the stage, unable to move. All my friends are on the other side, dancing in a circle, and the world is slowly turning black & white. Life has become art. The Pussy Pirate pulls me to my feet and screams in my ear over the beat, "These are your friends, why aren't you dancing with them? Why are you over here when your friends are over there?" Sometimes I'm a photographer, and I just want to look, I told him.

A few minutes later, the circle of dancers shifted to the beat, and I was engulfed in a sea of friends.

I stood at the edge of the dance floor, and my friends came to me.

I stood, at the edge, and my friends came to me, and the world was black and white, and I danced inside the art and the glory and the passion of it all, while the moon shone full in the empty sky, so far away, beyond walls and ceilings.


It's all a blur, really. Time doesn't make sense again until Sunday afternoon, when I finally sober up. Three days straight of making friends and pushing my body to a variety of limits. GenCon'ing all day and dancing all night. I ached with the kind of stiffness and pain that comes from enjoying yourself tremendously. Somewhere along the way, I moved past some things and solemnly acknowledged that I will take a long time getting past others.

Somewhere along the way, it seems I've become trusted by Silent Shadow. Though we rarely talk, and have never hung out one-on-one, I always seemed to be the one he called to coordinate things with. He found me Sunday afternoon and lunched with me, and asked me to join him while he walked around the exhibitor's hall (the only time all weekend I left the art show). Actions speak louder than words, indeed, and he was even unusually un-silent for a good fifteen minute conversation about urban tribes.

Several new friends joined us for the traditional FanPro post-con dinner. On the drive home, CB and I talked at a languid pace, and we both marveled at this strange, beautiful, and entirely comfortable life each of us has found. I fit in this life, as surely as if a place had been carved out just for me. I fit, and for the first time in my life I do not regret all the pain and sorrow it took to get me here.

I dropped her off, and said goodbye one last time to one of the guests staying at the Pirate's Cove. I went home, and I did not mind the silence.



This morning, I woke up and performed my morning devotions. Frost lighting called, and scheduled enough hours this week for me to bring my bank account safely out of the red zone, although it means being in Kenosha from tomorrow until Saturday. Five 13-15 hour days, and then I leave for Arkansas with Unpaintable Canvas.

There go my plans for the week.....

Comments

[laustinthought.livejournal.com]

I fit in this life, as surely as if a place had been carved out just for me. I fit, and for the first time in my life I do not regret all the pain and sorrow it took to get me here.

I'm glad to hear you say this. I realized this exact same thing earlier this year and it turned out to be the final step in letting go of my pain. I wouldn't be where I am if not for the path that brought me here.

[amul.livejournal.com]

I am *so* glad we had that drunken talk Saturday night. I meant absolutely everything I said.

The commonalities we share, even the most seemingly-awkward, make me absolutely treasure our friendship. It has been an unbelievable source of strength for me to know that, whatever I've been feeling, you would most likely understand.

[kassitastrophe.livejournal.com]

i enjoyed talking about toast.

[amul.livejournal.com]

I was delighted by your stories about teaching piano.

[elissa-carey.livejournal.com]

Now I really miss not having been there... but since it would've meant at the expense of my family, I don't miss it as much as I might have, once.

[caine-hazen.livejournal.com]

Wish I had gotten to spend more time with you...but it seems like the Con whisks one away. But I had great time when I did see you! As Bull said, next year, Origins and more time to just hang!