What Lies Beneath
29 March 2012 14:20![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulSpent last night catching up with an friend that I haven't seen since last summer, more or less. This inevitably led to us sharing any stories about mutual acquaintances, and a few of our friends have parted ways on sour terms.
....let's avoid further drama by using pseudonyms...
"Tim" and "Gary" have stopped talking to each other. I've been friends with Tim for ages, and when he first introduced me to Gary, I was very put off. Tim insisted that Gary was "a nice guy once you get to know him." Needless to say, it was the aspects of surface-Gary that eventually caused the conflict which drove them apart.
This phrase has always bothered me, and as I get older, I find that I have less and less time for people who are nice "once I get to know them."
It seems to me that everyone is, underneath it all, a human being, equally capable of heartache and perseverance, compassion and anger. I see no reason why I should be surprised or excited that, underneath their surface face, everyone seeks acceptance, solidarity, companionship.
I think the measure of a person isn't what they're like way down deep, but rather the opposite. What matters is what they're like on the surface. What matters is how willing they are to overcome their personal history of pain and baggage, and treat others decently.
I learned long ago to judge a person by the way they treat waitstaff and service personnel.
Is it cruel or indifferent of me to draw this line in the sand? To insist that if you want to be my friend, you have to be a nice guy even when someone's looking?
I don't think it is.
....let's avoid further drama by using pseudonyms...
"Tim" and "Gary" have stopped talking to each other. I've been friends with Tim for ages, and when he first introduced me to Gary, I was very put off. Tim insisted that Gary was "a nice guy once you get to know him." Needless to say, it was the aspects of surface-Gary that eventually caused the conflict which drove them apart.
This phrase has always bothered me, and as I get older, I find that I have less and less time for people who are nice "once I get to know them."
It seems to me that everyone is, underneath it all, a human being, equally capable of heartache and perseverance, compassion and anger. I see no reason why I should be surprised or excited that, underneath their surface face, everyone seeks acceptance, solidarity, companionship.
I think the measure of a person isn't what they're like way down deep, but rather the opposite. What matters is what they're like on the surface. What matters is how willing they are to overcome their personal history of pain and baggage, and treat others decently.
I learned long ago to judge a person by the way they treat waitstaff and service personnel.
Is it cruel or indifferent of me to draw this line in the sand? To insist that if you want to be my friend, you have to be a nice guy even when someone's looking?
I don't think it is.
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no subject
Date: 30 Mar 2012 14:40 (UTC)This means he will treat all your other friends like crap if you invite them along, and chances are, when the chips are down, he's still an asshole. Respect and civility are something he gives if he's in the mood, and if he's not in the mood, he's going to be an asshole to you, too*. Particularly if you marry someone like that. Yeah, I'm a little bitter.
*I have no idea if "Tim" and "Gary" are people I know. The only specific person I'm alluding to is my ex-husband, though he is only one example of many both male and female. Though I've dated a few of them.