Bitching about my parents. Again.

[amul]

I'm not really sure what possessed me, but I decided to forward my wishlist from TheThingsIWant.com to my parents.

My parents have never given me a present in my entire life. My "birthday present" is usually some type of financial hocus-pocus which affects their taxes. For Christmas, which we don't even celebrate, they usually promise to buy me something and then forget to buy it: for the last three years, my parents have promised me a vacuum cleaner for my apartment for Christmas.

When my parents went to Egypt, I asked them to bring me a book of photos from Egypt, preferably by an Egyptian photographer. They got me a bright yellow t-shirt that said "Egypt" on it.

Lacuna Diving Bunny suggested that maybe they never buy me presents because they know how hard it is to buy clothes for me. So I forwarded the wishlisht to them, after my dad told me that he had some paperwork for me to sign for my upcoming birthday.

At first, he was confused. "What is this?" It's a list of things I wish somebody would buy for me.

"Why don't you just buy them yourselves?" It's to help people who want to buy me a gift, but don't know what they could get me. Now they can look at this list and pick from it.

Two or three weeks later, my dad sent me an email saying that he just noticed that the wishlist was sorted and ranked, and that he wanted to buy me three things off the list. I told him that one gift would be fine. That was four weeks ago. Today, I get this email:

Amul, After thinking for the whole day today, I feel it will be hard for me to decide the first two or three items out of your wish list.  I printed it out then I felt the best thing is for you to order 2 or 3items from that list and take as a gift from the two of us. There will be less confusion this way.  GOOD WISHES. Dad/Mom

It's not even the presents that upset me. It's just this totally futile yet constant attempt to try to show them who I am and what I'm into, and I'm constantly looking for...just some sort of validation, any kind.

Comments

[writer00.livejournal.com]

Obviously I really have no way of knowing about your family dynamics short of what you've written here or told me. I understand your frustration, though. Thing is, I've discovered that all the wishing and hints and even direct conversation won't change the way someone else perceives the world, or me. It took me years to accept, for instance, that my sister was exceptionally emotional, not logical, and very touchy. Once I did, however, we were able to establish a nice relationship based on mutual respect. Same thing with my mother. There are things I'd love to talk with her about, but I can't. So I don't try anymore. I know it sounds counter to prevalent societal norms, but family truly is an accident of birth. Sure, they create the environment within which we grow, learn, and adapt, but we bring ourselves into this world; our unique and wonderful selves, and sometimes our families can't deal with that (or we can't deal with our families). But real family isn't about blood, anyway, is it? Haven't you tried to build up a family around you of people who understand your needs, desires, and interests? I can't make my family into the people I want them to be. So I've tried to establish relationships based on areas of mutuality and respect and love. Anyway . . . my psychobabble for the day.

[amul.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughts. Priceless Pearl is always telling me the same thing, that I need to accept who they are and stop trying to forge a relationship with them.

[princessmatilda.livejournal.com]

i've never said to stop trying to have a relationship with them....i've said to stop expecting them to be who you want and stop trying to change them. i understand how hard that it, as you well know, but you need to validate YOURSELF....if you always wait for them to do it, you will wait forever and make yourself even more frustrated. and writter it right; family is not always blood. Just my opinion...

[(Anonymous)]

I came to terms with my family not being close enough friends (and vice versa!) that we have abundant ideas for what to get each other on gift-occasions. We never know what to get one another.

I've specified "no trinkets, unless they're ridiculously well suited", and then got a 5x5 Rubik's cube, a mustache and beard trimmer, and a copy of the 13th Warrior one year. I've then specified "no trinkets at all!", really politely; I just don't like clutter, and single use items and/or gadgets don't really fit well with what I like.

I'm waiting to see how well that goes.

[amul.livejournal.com]

Okay, seriously. My parents have never given me a present, unless you count the clothes that my mom used to buy me as a kid. The group of friends my parents hang out with have been passing the same five bottles of wine around as "guest gifts" for over 25 years. They just don't come from a gift-giving culture, I guess.

[danielmurphy.livejournal.com]

It sounds like your parents just don't really value gifts. Knowing that, it does seem pretty futile to ask them to give you something they do not value and expect it to build on a relationship you may see as lacking. Perhaps instead of asking them to read between the lines, you should express an interest in what they love, what makes them tick, and what they value the most deep down. Once you find a commonality there, you feed something and a relationship can flourish in the way that you're looking for it to, but it's unrealistic to instruct a person on how to love you and expect it to be deep and meaningful. People love in their own ways, in the best ways that they can. Rather than asking them to love you in a way that you can accept, you could look deeper into them, and see how they have been loving you all along. If you can at least figure out what makes them tick, you can teach them about yourself in terms that they can understand.

[amul.livejournal.com]

It's always lovely when someone new and unexpected says something profound in response to an entry. Thanks for your insight, I will definitely need to think about what you say.