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amulWait.
Listen.
Let me really ask you: How are you doing?
It's just that I can't hear your voice anymore, when I look at this monitor.
A lot of my friendships, like my stories, happen quickly. One minute they don't exist, the next minute they do. Like my friendships, some of my stories end abruptly.
The one I'm about to discuss happened slowly, accumulating tiny threads which only wove together into a real friendship yesterday. I don't know if it'll be a good story when I tell it, at least this first time, but I think it'll sound....I dunno, more "true to life" than most of my real-life stories do.
At any rate, I think you'll find it interesting, especially if you're one of the handful of friends with whom I've ever really discussed what it's like for me to be Indian, for me to try to integrate that into who I am.
At Shibari Con last year, I had just finished a groundwork scene with Lacunae Diving Bunny. I was leading her to the aftercare space, wanting to get away from the noises of the dungeon, when a figure leaped out of a corner (Literally, she leaped at me. Lunged.) and demanded my attention.
"Are you Indian?"
I stared at her, dumbstruck. I'm 32, a Dominant in a dungeon, floating in the wave of self-assurance that comes from an enjoyable scene, and the first thought that crosses my mind is, She'll tell my parents that I'm here.
My entire life, I've only ever met one other Indian in the scene, at a sex party in college. Her boyfriend was completely uncomfortable with us being in the same room. For that matter, I had been, too.
Fumbling for thoughts, struggling to retain my dungeon persona, needing to care for LDB after our scene, I stalled for time. I agreed that I was, told her it was a bad moment to talk just then, and gave one of my business cards to Slow Footed Kali. There was an intensity to her question that I wasn't comfortable with, a hunger which disturbed me because it gnawed at my own stomach in a way that I've never discussed with anyone.
LDB told me afterward that I said I've always wanted to play with an Indian woman. I don't remember saying that, I don't remember ever consciously thinking that. Neither of which makes it any less true.
I didn't run into her again at the convention, but SFKali emailed me eventually. We discussed our tastes and habits, it all got very clinical on my part. I explained my background and history with BDSM, but in a sort of rote manner. There was a terseness to her emails which bothered me, a sense of rapid-fire interrogation which I can no longer find as I'm rereading them now. Plus, the timing was really bad. This was July 2007, and I had several conventions to prepare for, the France trip, the temple opening. The temple opening was really affecting my perception of this whole thing with SFKAli, and this was also around the time when I inexplicably unplugged from the internet.
A few months later, I posted a request for models to the TNGC dlist and again SFKali reached out to me, wanting to be a part of it, and again I was uncomfortable with the way this....this...this Indian wanted to hang out with me. Wanted to get to know me. Wanted to engage in BDSM play with me.
The project went bust before it even started, and life moved on at its own pace.
We met infrequently over the next few months, mostly because I wasn't going out. Winter had come, and I was buried deep in myself. Then, by chance we both attended a private play party. We did a light scene, which left both of us unsatisfied and unsure why. As I usually do, I blame myself, but that part doesn't really matter.
Earlier this month, I ran into her again, first at an art show and later at an educational BDSM seminar. We managed to bridge the gap caused by that scene, and both of us got a chance to say some things that had been on our minds. She also introduced me to another Indian, male this time, and buoyed by our conversations, I managed to be comfortably myself during the introduction. Okay, man, I absolutely object. Just seeing you here is totally setting off my alpha-male tendencies. We laugh, he offers to compare dick sizes, SFKali gets pulled back into the conversation, and all of our (white) partners are chatting nearby.
The seminar was at a very nice dungeon, and afterward LDB and I talked seriously about joining - the first time either of us had ever considered such a thing. It seemed like a big decision, so I got a lot of input from various people, yet still didn't feel comfortable with the choices I was waffling between. Finally, I called SFKali, who had recently joined the same dungeon. In a few words, she set my mind at ease about an aspect of it which I had not even realized was bothering me.
(Tangent though it is, the issue I had was that I just couldn't believe I'm dating a girl who is actually into this stuff, and not just humoring me. You'd think all the orgasms would be a clue...)
Yesterday, she and I showed up for the TNGC meeting early. She'd just told her dad that she was dating an older white man, and her parents laid a pretty heavy guilt trip on her. We talked about the issues we have with our parents, with having a part of ourselves that we have to hide from them that strongly underlines the need to hide so much more of ourselves that there's hardly anything left. Just as she had done, I managed to calm her in a surprisingly short amount of time.
It's strange and oddly enjoyable, talking to another Indian who is in the scene, talking to someone who doesn't need a geopolitical lesson before I can explain what's on my mind. Slow Footed Kali wants me to talk to The Other Indian Guy more, she says we have a lot in common. She and I have been joking around about how, now that we have a group of three Indians who are all tops or switches, we should throw a private play party where we all bring white bottoms. We want to call it "Whitey Must Pay."
It's funny, and if you're not Indian, I don't think I can really explain why. Or rather, I don't think that I want to.
Listen.
Let me really ask you: How are you doing?
It's just that I can't hear your voice anymore, when I look at this monitor.
A lot of my friendships, like my stories, happen quickly. One minute they don't exist, the next minute they do. Like my friendships, some of my stories end abruptly.
The one I'm about to discuss happened slowly, accumulating tiny threads which only wove together into a real friendship yesterday. I don't know if it'll be a good story when I tell it, at least this first time, but I think it'll sound....I dunno, more "true to life" than most of my real-life stories do.
At any rate, I think you'll find it interesting, especially if you're one of the handful of friends with whom I've ever really discussed what it's like for me to be Indian, for me to try to integrate that into who I am.
At Shibari Con last year, I had just finished a groundwork scene with Lacunae Diving Bunny. I was leading her to the aftercare space, wanting to get away from the noises of the dungeon, when a figure leaped out of a corner (Literally, she leaped at me. Lunged.) and demanded my attention.
"Are you Indian?"
I stared at her, dumbstruck. I'm 32, a Dominant in a dungeon, floating in the wave of self-assurance that comes from an enjoyable scene, and the first thought that crosses my mind is, She'll tell my parents that I'm here.
My entire life, I've only ever met one other Indian in the scene, at a sex party in college. Her boyfriend was completely uncomfortable with us being in the same room. For that matter, I had been, too.
Fumbling for thoughts, struggling to retain my dungeon persona, needing to care for LDB after our scene, I stalled for time. I agreed that I was, told her it was a bad moment to talk just then, and gave one of my business cards to Slow Footed Kali. There was an intensity to her question that I wasn't comfortable with, a hunger which disturbed me because it gnawed at my own stomach in a way that I've never discussed with anyone.
LDB told me afterward that I said I've always wanted to play with an Indian woman. I don't remember saying that, I don't remember ever consciously thinking that. Neither of which makes it any less true.
I didn't run into her again at the convention, but SFKali emailed me eventually. We discussed our tastes and habits, it all got very clinical on my part. I explained my background and history with BDSM, but in a sort of rote manner. There was a terseness to her emails which bothered me, a sense of rapid-fire interrogation which I can no longer find as I'm rereading them now. Plus, the timing was really bad. This was July 2007, and I had several conventions to prepare for, the France trip, the temple opening. The temple opening was really affecting my perception of this whole thing with SFKAli, and this was also around the time when I inexplicably unplugged from the internet.
A few months later, I posted a request for models to the TNGC dlist and again SFKali reached out to me, wanting to be a part of it, and again I was uncomfortable with the way this....this...this Indian wanted to hang out with me. Wanted to get to know me. Wanted to engage in BDSM play with me.
The project went bust before it even started, and life moved on at its own pace.
We met infrequently over the next few months, mostly because I wasn't going out. Winter had come, and I was buried deep in myself. Then, by chance we both attended a private play party. We did a light scene, which left both of us unsatisfied and unsure why. As I usually do, I blame myself, but that part doesn't really matter.
Earlier this month, I ran into her again, first at an art show and later at an educational BDSM seminar. We managed to bridge the gap caused by that scene, and both of us got a chance to say some things that had been on our minds. She also introduced me to another Indian, male this time, and buoyed by our conversations, I managed to be comfortably myself during the introduction. Okay, man, I absolutely object. Just seeing you here is totally setting off my alpha-male tendencies. We laugh, he offers to compare dick sizes, SFKali gets pulled back into the conversation, and all of our (white) partners are chatting nearby.
The seminar was at a very nice dungeon, and afterward LDB and I talked seriously about joining - the first time either of us had ever considered such a thing. It seemed like a big decision, so I got a lot of input from various people, yet still didn't feel comfortable with the choices I was waffling between. Finally, I called SFKali, who had recently joined the same dungeon. In a few words, she set my mind at ease about an aspect of it which I had not even realized was bothering me.
(Tangent though it is, the issue I had was that I just couldn't believe I'm dating a girl who is actually into this stuff, and not just humoring me. You'd think all the orgasms would be a clue...)
Yesterday, she and I showed up for the TNGC meeting early. She'd just told her dad that she was dating an older white man, and her parents laid a pretty heavy guilt trip on her. We talked about the issues we have with our parents, with having a part of ourselves that we have to hide from them that strongly underlines the need to hide so much more of ourselves that there's hardly anything left. Just as she had done, I managed to calm her in a surprisingly short amount of time.
It's strange and oddly enjoyable, talking to another Indian who is in the scene, talking to someone who doesn't need a geopolitical lesson before I can explain what's on my mind. Slow Footed Kali wants me to talk to The Other Indian Guy more, she says we have a lot in common. She and I have been joking around about how, now that we have a group of three Indians who are all tops or switches, we should throw a private play party where we all bring white bottoms. We want to call it "Whitey Must Pay."
It's funny, and if you're not Indian, I don't think I can really explain why. Or rather, I don't think that I want to.