Write for the sake of writing

[amul]

Haiku2 for amul
a very real sense of horror began to grow dim with my work
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Created by Grahame

It's sort of cheating tonight. I gave someone my LJ uri, and now I feel compelled to try to write something, so that he doesn't get bored with a thousand links between here and my last real post. I even have an urge to post a bunch of links for him to read.

I hate that. This shouldn't be directed at anyone in particular. I'm not writing for this audience I've somehow acquired while doing little more than whining and groveling. I'm writing for myself, writing for the sake of expressing. The occasional sense of connection I manage to pick up with people is just supposed to be a bonus.

Put another way, I try so desperately to not hope that someone is actually reading all this spew.



My fantasies have been disturbingly simplistic lately. I still get a decent reaction from the kinky, the strange, imaginary indulgences in my ever present need to control. It's funny to talk about a "decent masturbatory response," feels like cheating or failing somehow. Shouldn't every time I touch myself be fantastic? Is it just me, or is their some sort of vaguely-understood pressure that you have to have a better sex life with your own hand than with anyone else?

Truth is, my strongest self-induced orgasms of late have been a form of nostalgia. It's innocence I crave, naivety, and not in the form of some nubile catholic schoolgirl secretly wanting to be desecrated. It's my own sexual innocence that I've been dreaming about. Imagining that I'm still too inexperienced to know what that pull, that urge, is all about.

Last night, I had the strongest orgasm I've had in weeks, and all I was thinking about was my first kiss.

It was a dare. She was up above me, on some kind of pipe emerging a few feet from the ground, nonsensical in my memory but so perfectly present and obvious at the time. She mocked my ability to kiss, and I defended myself. Defended myself to the point where I had no choice but to demonstrate my skills.

I can still remember the fantasy-feelings from last night (I'll not try to pretend that I recall the actual moment), the feel of her hair in my hand, the way she softly melted into my arm. Discovering in my bravado that I was a good kisser, discovering a blossoming desire to do this more, without needing it to go anywhere beyond just what it was.

In a very real way, I was aroused by the idea of being so perfectly present in the moment, more than the actual act.

*sigh* It is hard, trying to be this open, this honest about how I react to things. There's a part of me that just wants to scoff and tell myself I just need to find some really good MDMA....

...Which tangles sweetly with another memory. A party, one of my first times rolling, I'm in a straight jacket, hands bound behind my back. I ask her boyfriend if I can chew on her neck. She's clearly past the point of offering consent, so it's all on you, man. It was the first night I met her, and we've become good friends since then. That moment was exciting, overwhelming. I was so perfectly there in that moment...

Right now I primarily feel like I'm sort of wedged in between the past and the future. Trapped in this sort of purgatory of preparation. Gods, what was my old mantra? There is much to do, and see, and be. Only I no longer feel capable of just Doing, I feel the need to practice, get ready. Suit up.

I've been silent so long, and I suppose I should take this moment to vow anew my plans and preparations. What, exactly, have I been up to?

I'm still staffing for Lovecraft Country, and am working on a pretty interesting project right now. Right now, the only library system is in the Orne Library, and I'm trying to coding the necessary tools to let player groups develop their own libraries. The project has grown out of hand, and I've been slacking lately, gaping at the enormity of it all. That changed earlier today. My next step is to document the thing properly.

I've been getting back into sewing and teddy bear making. Lacuna Diving Bunny and I went to a Teddy Bear / Fabric Arts convention last weekend. I'm thinking about joining this organization that donates the teddy bears they make to needy kids, abuse victims, etc. Right now, I'm fixing two pairs of jeans which I outgrew a half-dozen years ago or more, adding panels to the side seams so they'll fit again. I got the idea from the LARP girl I dated all those years ago, the one My Ex referred to as my Tater Tot. Isn't it horrible that I remember that nickname, but not her real name?

I also found a bunch of Classic Pooh fleece on the clearance rack, so I'm going to be making a hoodie and some pajamas out of them. I also bought a project for infomorph's child-to-be.

This weekend, LDB and I are starting a sewing class, so there's that project, too. I've narrowed it down to two projects which have sat in my closet forever (I read somewhere that every sewing enthusiast's closet is filled with "good intentions"), and need the instructor to decide whether he'll have time to help me with the alterations for one, or if I should go with the one designed for men.

Socially, I've been hanging out mostly with LDB's friends. Her husband invited me to join his Star Wars game. That was strange for me, sitting in their home, being cuddly with his wife while he ran the game. I've been going out a lot with two of her other friends, neither of them properly epithet'd yet. Tuesdays at Spot 6 is good. I've become friends with the bartender and one of the DJs, so I'm usually willing to go out, even if I don't have anyone to go out with. Still, I miss having someone who I'm as close to as Prefers Sacrifice.

Photographically....I bought a ton of books right after Frolicon, on digital retouching and compositing. Amazon sent me the wrong edition of one of them, so now I'm focusing on the one covering how to retouch humans. I had to spend five hours combing the internet for books that covered things that I didn't know yet, and that after two days scouring all the local photography shops. It's sort of gratifying while being extremely aggravating at the same time. I know all this. It's just a matter of putting it to use.

I really, really, really need to sit down and finish the pieces I want to submit for the Adobe Design Contest. I only have one left.

I'm once again studying up for the Adobe Certified Expert exam. CS3 just got released, so I feel like a total jackass for having procrastinated so long. Still, recertification will be cheaper and an interesting way of learning the new program.

I also dug out my old Harry Potter audiobooks, to prepare for Book 7 (July 21st!!!).

Re-reading all of that, it just sounds so boring. I can't seem to connect to the things that I'm doing right now. I know that they're interesting and important to me, but I don't feel it.

I miss PS. I miss having a friend who not only invites me out, but reminds me to bring my camera, a friend who edits photos with me, and knows how to talk about art concepts. I think that's the real reason I've been going out to all these photographer networking things lately. I want a photographer friend again. I'm reading this book, A Guide to Getting Art Grants, and it makes the point that an emerging artist has a fickle and unpredictable relationship with his muse. Established artists know how to call on their muse, know how to get her to work for him. I'm not there yet, and it's terribly frustrating, and oddly lonely.

Which, in a nutshell, is how I feel about most things these days. I'm not there yet, and it's terribly frustrating and lonely.


http://xkcd.com/c198.html