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amulI've always been able to keep my drugs in as strong a check as I've wanted, and while I occasionally let alcohol get the best of me, I usually keep control. I've never been the type to gorge myself on sweets or ice cream. But I just can't seem to keep control of my TV-watching habits.
It should be easy, considering that I don't have cable, or even get any local stations. But the internet, oh the internet! I've been downloading entire seasons of things, and then bingeing on them. In the last month, the only time I've left my apartment to be social has been at the behest of Lacuna Diving Bunny. I've become bad about returning phone calls again. I will spend days sitting in my bedroom, leaving only to use the bathroom.
When I binge, when anyone binges, it is because they are depressed. So I've been trying to focus on where that might come from.
I am aware, however mutedly, that this week marks the anniversary of the end of my relationship with My Ex. Three years now? Maybe four? I've lost track, which is a nice sign. It hurts a little, but not enough to justify my last two weeks.
I think it is mostly the sense of loss and abandonment. I've lost a lot of friends in the last year, and it makes me unwilling to look for more. Perfectionism, the fear of being imperfect, encourages me to hide. I'm tired of the cycle of developing trust with someone and then having that trust betrayed.
Cave Dwelling Eyes, who kept trying to cheat on her husband with me, who disappeared from my life when she found someone who would.
Unpaintable Canvas, who can't find time for me now that she has a boyfriend; Prefers Sacrifice and Pussy Pirate's girlfriend (never named in her own right), both of whom left the state for their Significant Other; Comfortingly Bouncy, whose inhuman energy and overwhelming list of hobbies keeps her too busy to even answer an email these days.
The giant group of CB's friends, whom I think now were never really my friends, as much as they were just people who were all invited out by the same core group. I handled myself brokenly with them, could not push aside my bad habits enough to respond to one jackass appropriately, and now there is silence between us.
And now Blue Beard, who once embraced me like a long-lost brother, who won't even look me in the eye, or acknowledge me long enough to tell me why we no longer speak. Instead, I resort to listening to the whisper of the shadows, and in listening, judge his friendship unworthy of pursuing.
I took this disturbingly accurate quiz once that said I long for a place free of consequence to heal in. Is that what my small apartment has become? The only place in the world that is free of consequence?
I have abandoned the world, relinquished all the friendships I might find, for fear of being seen as imperfect, or finding them to be imperfect. No, "imperfect" is not the term. It is the fear of being found wanting, or finding them wanting.
Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Wed Feb 28 01:07:40 2007.
It should be easy, considering that I don't have cable, or even get any local stations. But the internet, oh the internet! I've been downloading entire seasons of things, and then bingeing on them. In the last month, the only time I've left my apartment to be social has been at the behest of Lacuna Diving Bunny. I've become bad about returning phone calls again. I will spend days sitting in my bedroom, leaving only to use the bathroom.
When I binge, when anyone binges, it is because they are depressed. So I've been trying to focus on where that might come from.
I am aware, however mutedly, that this week marks the anniversary of the end of my relationship with My Ex. Three years now? Maybe four? I've lost track, which is a nice sign. It hurts a little, but not enough to justify my last two weeks.
I think it is mostly the sense of loss and abandonment. I've lost a lot of friends in the last year, and it makes me unwilling to look for more. Perfectionism, the fear of being imperfect, encourages me to hide. I'm tired of the cycle of developing trust with someone and then having that trust betrayed.
Cave Dwelling Eyes, who kept trying to cheat on her husband with me, who disappeared from my life when she found someone who would.
Unpaintable Canvas, who can't find time for me now that she has a boyfriend; Prefers Sacrifice and Pussy Pirate's girlfriend (never named in her own right), both of whom left the state for their Significant Other; Comfortingly Bouncy, whose inhuman energy and overwhelming list of hobbies keeps her too busy to even answer an email these days.
The giant group of CB's friends, whom I think now were never really my friends, as much as they were just people who were all invited out by the same core group. I handled myself brokenly with them, could not push aside my bad habits enough to respond to one jackass appropriately, and now there is silence between us.
And now Blue Beard, who once embraced me like a long-lost brother, who won't even look me in the eye, or acknowledge me long enough to tell me why we no longer speak. Instead, I resort to listening to the whisper of the shadows, and in listening, judge his friendship unworthy of pursuing.
I took this disturbingly accurate quiz once that said I long for a place free of consequence to heal in. Is that what my small apartment has become? The only place in the world that is free of consequence?
I have abandoned the world, relinquished all the friendships I might find, for fear of being seen as imperfect, or finding them to be imperfect. No, "imperfect" is not the term. It is the fear of being found wanting, or finding them wanting.
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Amul took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feel..."
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Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Wed Feb 28 01:07:40 2007.
Your Existing Situation
- Hopes to obtain an improved position and greater prestige, so that he can procure for himself more of the things he has had to do without.
Your Stress Sources
- Has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and to stand out from the herd. His control of his sensual instincts restricts his ability to give himself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow himself to merge with another. This disturbs him, as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; he feels that only by continued self-restraint can he hope to maintain his attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for himself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
- Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing him to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
- Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which he can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
Your Actual Problem
- Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling him to free himself of the worry that he may be prevented from achieving all the things he wants.
Your Actual Problem #2
- Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.