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amulI spent the entire day meeting people for coffee. First, the director for the movie I'm signing up for. Then, Not A Hooker called to let me know she's in town for a sequel run to her play:
The name of the play, if you didn't catch it in the flyer, is "Performance of Sleep in One Long Act Without Intermission." NAH is a brilliant director, you should go check it out.
NAH and I hung out at Ennui until it was time for me to pick up Prefers Sacrifice and (f)AD to go see Superman Returns at the Imax @ Navy Pier.
Notable moments: The House of Black Wings guy kept complimenting my photography, telling me the specific things he liked about them. Our conversation shifted very naturally from the movie to anime, or rpgs, or the travails of being an artist. Both of them were a similar form of soothing to my ears. NAH asked me about updates about almost everything in my life, starting with the giant list of goals I had when I was subletting her apartment. I told her about the situation with (f)AD and she simply responded, "Wow! You have some serious problems maintaining boundaries!"
Another gem of a moment with NAH:
"What happened to that girl you were in love with?" Who?
At any rate, in the middle of Superman Returns, I suddenly realized that my final project for the summer semester is due in about eight days, and I haven't even shot a single photo yet. At least I've bought the film and scouted locations....I'm tempted to try to do a bunch of shooting tonight, stay up until the lab opens, and then pick up whatever they have ready before heading to class, just so I can have something to show him. Sadly, I'm not as young as I used to be.
Things with (f)AD continue somewhat smoothly. I'm still struggling to understand what role I play in her life, now that I'm no longer the guy she calls up when she needs to Talk To An Adult. She'll be moving out soon, looks like she'll be keeping to the last schedule we discussed. I'm unsure how I'm going to react, part of me yearns to have my space back, and part of me will miss having a roommate, despite how rocky things have been. I tried talking about this to my mother, but she was so fixated on the fact that (f)AD is a girl and What Will People Think If They Find Out that it felt useless to make any further effort.
There's a line from West Wing ringing in my ears, as I remember that conversation: "I don't mind being held to a higher standard, I mind being held to a lower one." Growing up, back before I was allowed to cross the street on my own, all the neighborhood kids my age were girls. They'd invite me to join them for sleepovers, and my parents would refuse and never explain why. All I ever knew was that girls were different, girls got to have fun, girls got to create (life, my mother meant, but she never said) and boys just play with soldiers. It's one of the reasons I wrote so much as a kid. See? I can create stuff! Now can I please stay over at Michelle's house?
Deadlines looming. (f)AD will spend a semester in my home, arrived a few days before and leaving shortly after. Things Will Change, and I hate it. Hate it the way I hated the thousand suggestions that I leave Christine (and when, exactly, did you start calling her THAT in your LJ again?), hate it for the same reasons. This time has been painful, but gods, the intellectual stimulation! Being able to stick my head out a door and get a external, well-composed response to a thought. The idea of a roommate....
In my favorite romance movies, there's always the love triangle. Each guy wants the girl, but they never fight, never blow up, never lash out with rage at the world. They just put on their best face, and go about the business of being as awesome as they possibly can around her and let her make the choice. I'm not interested in being with her, but it's hard not to draw parallels like that. I'm not a hero, not the kind of guy who can avoid letting her see me be upset.
Maybe real heroes don't act like that. Maybe real people don't. But should they?
I'll miss parts of these painful last few weeks. I'll want them back. The same way that I sometimes miss the way Christine used to laugh at movies, or egg me on when we were shopping. I've been hearing gossip about her lately, and I can feel the thought creeping back into my head, the same thought I could see writ across her face the day I told her it was over.
No, really, her eyes would implore. There are parts of this that are still good, see?
The name of the play, if you didn't catch it in the flyer, is "Performance of Sleep in One Long Act Without Intermission." NAH is a brilliant director, you should go check it out.
NAH and I hung out at Ennui until it was time for me to pick up Prefers Sacrifice and (f)AD to go see Superman Returns at the Imax @ Navy Pier.
Notable moments: The House of Black Wings guy kept complimenting my photography, telling me the specific things he liked about them. Our conversation shifted very naturally from the movie to anime, or rpgs, or the travails of being an artist. Both of them were a similar form of soothing to my ears. NAH asked me about updates about almost everything in my life, starting with the giant list of goals I had when I was subletting her apartment. I told her about the situation with (f)AD and she simply responded, "Wow! You have some serious problems maintaining boundaries!"
Another gem of a moment with NAH:
"What happened to that girl you were in love with?" Who?
At any rate, in the middle of Superman Returns, I suddenly realized that my final project for the summer semester is due in about eight days, and I haven't even shot a single photo yet. At least I've bought the film and scouted locations....I'm tempted to try to do a bunch of shooting tonight, stay up until the lab opens, and then pick up whatever they have ready before heading to class, just so I can have something to show him. Sadly, I'm not as young as I used to be.
Things with (f)AD continue somewhat smoothly. I'm still struggling to understand what role I play in her life, now that I'm no longer the guy she calls up when she needs to Talk To An Adult. She'll be moving out soon, looks like she'll be keeping to the last schedule we discussed. I'm unsure how I'm going to react, part of me yearns to have my space back, and part of me will miss having a roommate, despite how rocky things have been. I tried talking about this to my mother, but she was so fixated on the fact that (f)AD is a girl and What Will People Think If They Find Out that it felt useless to make any further effort.
There's a line from West Wing ringing in my ears, as I remember that conversation: "I don't mind being held to a higher standard, I mind being held to a lower one." Growing up, back before I was allowed to cross the street on my own, all the neighborhood kids my age were girls. They'd invite me to join them for sleepovers, and my parents would refuse and never explain why. All I ever knew was that girls were different, girls got to have fun, girls got to create (life, my mother meant, but she never said) and boys just play with soldiers. It's one of the reasons I wrote so much as a kid. See? I can create stuff! Now can I please stay over at Michelle's house?
Deadlines looming. (f)AD will spend a semester in my home, arrived a few days before and leaving shortly after. Things Will Change, and I hate it. Hate it the way I hated the thousand suggestions that I leave Christine (and when, exactly, did you start calling her THAT in your LJ again?), hate it for the same reasons. This time has been painful, but gods, the intellectual stimulation! Being able to stick my head out a door and get a external, well-composed response to a thought. The idea of a roommate....
In my favorite romance movies, there's always the love triangle. Each guy wants the girl, but they never fight, never blow up, never lash out with rage at the world. They just put on their best face, and go about the business of being as awesome as they possibly can around her and let her make the choice. I'm not interested in being with her, but it's hard not to draw parallels like that. I'm not a hero, not the kind of guy who can avoid letting her see me be upset.
Maybe real heroes don't act like that. Maybe real people don't. But should they?
I'll miss parts of these painful last few weeks. I'll want them back. The same way that I sometimes miss the way Christine used to laugh at movies, or egg me on when we were shopping. I've been hearing gossip about her lately, and I can feel the thought creeping back into my head, the same thought I could see writ across her face the day I told her it was over.
No, really, her eyes would implore. There are parts of this that are still good, see?
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no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 10:39 (UTC)no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 15:58 (UTC)no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 17:33 (UTC)You're borrowing nothing. I gave this to you freely, and that was her point.
no subject
Date: 8 Jul 2006 08:17 (UTC)Like, "the apology instinct."
Really, I just wanted to use this icon...I sure do feel like pencil+eye a lot these days.
I should go to sleep soon, then.
no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 17:39 (UTC)I know that change isn't always a bad thing, but transitions are always difficult.
no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 18:01 (UTC)no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 18:10 (UTC)Reminds me that I wrote up something after Christopher Reeve died. I can't remember when I put it in my LJ, so I'll repost it here:
Heroes Die.
Today, we mourn the passing of Christopher Reeve. My friends and peers knew him best as Superman.
Superman already died once in the comics. It was unfortunately a profit-driven venture. Christopher Reeve's death is far removed from that publicity stunt, thankfully. It does, however, bring to mind thoughts about Superman and the nature of heroes, especially their role in American culture.
It's been said many times by many people in many places that we live in a cynical age. On the whole, I believe this to be true. Few things there are we haven't seen or done, few goals we've aimed toward and found no way to succeed. Even idealism is born from knowing that what we have seems hopelessly tainted. Children in school say, "What's the point?" Voters say, "Why bother?" We say, "What's the use?"
Day after day, we see dreams shattered, heroes and giants passing, and people dying without understanding why. We look back, and wonder at the forces of the universe that birthed those impossibly bright ideas and the shining icons of humanity now long passed. What a world that marched on around us all unknowing, leaving only this legacy to show us what we did not see right in front of us.
In the times we face, the events we have already witnessed, many times voices will rise and ask, "Where are they now when we need them?" We look for the heroes on the silver screen, the Supermans, the Spidermans, the X-Men and Daredevils. We look for luminous figures out of history and our imaginations, because even now, the word "hero" is limned in light and makes Colossi out of the individuals who would step forward and fight.
But yet again, we are blinded. That very light that blossoms in our minds when we envision these saviors--for that is indeed what they represent to us--overshadows the simple reality: There are no heroes and saviors. There are no supernuminary gods to save us from ourselves. There is only us, and that is enough, for they are we.
We are they. We are the heroes. We are human. It is what we do and who we are to our fellow humans that makes us stand tall and creates legends out of ordinary people.
Christopher Reeve wasn't just Superman because he played the role. Christopher Reeve was Superman to every disabled who never thought he could lead a fulfilling life because he was paralyzed. He will be Superman to everyone who may benefit in the future from stem cell research. He is Superman to his family for being the warm and loving man he was.
Heroes die; they are human, just like you.
no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 16:42 (UTC)no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 17:38 (UTC)I think the whole point of my post is that I'm not sure how much human I'm willing to let myself be, or even know how to judge when it's appropriate.
no subject
Date: 6 Jul 2006 17:59 (UTC)no subject
Date: 7 Jul 2006 08:26 (UTC)no subject
Date: 7 Jul 2006 08:25 (UTC)no subject
Date: 8 Jul 2006 15:42 (UTC)