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amulIt's a bit more melodramatic than even I'm feeling, but the sentiment is certainly there.
Catullus, Poem 76
If any pleasure can come to a man through recalling
decent behavior in his relations with others,
not breaking his word, and never, in any agreement,
deceiving men by abusing vows sworn to heaven,
then countless joys will await you in old age, Catullus,
as a reward for this unrequited passion!
For all of those things which a man could possibly say or
do have all been said & done by you already,
and none of them counted for anything, thanks to her vileness!
Then why endure your self-torment any longer?
Why not abandon this wretched affair altogether,
spare yourself pain the gods don't intend you to suffer!
It's hard to break off with someone you've loved such a long time:
it's hard, but you have to do it, somehow or other.
Your only chance is to get out from under this sickness,
no matter whether or not you think you're able.
O gods, if pity is yours, or if ever to any
who lay near death you offered the gift of your mercy,
look on my suffering: if my life seems to you decent,
then tear from within me this devouring cancer,
this heavy dullness wasting the joints of my body,
completely driving every joy from my spirit!
Now I no longer ask that she love me as I love her,
or--even less likely--that she give up the others:
all that I ask for is health, an end to this foul sickness!
O gods, grant me this in exchange for my worship.
So, my mind is much soothed by yesterday's conversation with (f)AD and THO, but my heart yields not at all. Such a tricky thing, this beast which (f)AD let loose upon the world two summers ago. How strange, to simultaneously know in your head that no offense has been given, but to want all the same to find some device by which I may attack.
Truthfully, sadly, this is going better than I had hoped.
THO and I talked, and now my brain finally has some ammunition in the war it wages against my heart. Not enough, but the way has been paved that more might be had in time. I really cannot describe the degree to which I find myself emotionally reactive to him, how powerless my intellect is in combating those feelings.
All the same, I'm quickly getting to the point where I just want this ordeal to be over. The two of them are both working now, and we're all hoping they'll have enough saved for an apartment within three pay periods. Six more weeks, gods help me. I'm already starting to burn out, and I can't figure out any way to recuperate which doesn't seem like running from the problem.
I'm truly, deeply afraid of what this last month has done to my friendship with (f)AD, the trust which we worked so hard to rebuild. I find myself overwhelmed by the need for affirmation, encouragement, comfort. Whenever I say this to (f)AD, she seems to think that I mean I need praise for having done good deeds. It's a criticism I've often heard in my life, and I don't understand how I project that.
What I need is positive reinforcement. Some sign that my efforts are having a positive effect, some idea of what I do that works, instead of only being told what doesn't, or that I'm doing more than others would do.
I'm so sick of hearing that! "I would never go as far as you have." This is the one common ground I've managed to find with THO, that we both believe people should do more for each other than is commonly accepted. It's the first piece of that grudging respect which I knew I'd give him, if only I could hold back my nausea, my bitterness, my overwhelming urge to give in to rage, long enough to look him in the eye and see him as a person.
By contrast, I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing common ground with (f)AD. Sometimes, it feels like the only thing we have left in common is the belief that not all pain should be avoided. She grows distant, perhaps wearisome of my emotional instability, and I grow ever more frantic in to repair her spirit, the sense of adventure which I so cherish, ever more worried that maybe it is intact but inaccessible by me. Thankfully, she seems to be doing much better than the worst cases I had read about. If only I could swallow down my bitterness enough to provide some real emotional support!
A few years ago, My Ex and I let a friend move in with us while he got situated. Not nearly as critical a situation as this, but we had a spare bedroom and sympathized with his plight. We were good friends, hung out a lot, often talked seriously in a time in my life when there were few who I talked so openly with. By the time he moved out, our friendship was shattered. He never called me again, except once, when I told him that I knew all along that helping him in this manner could have had exactly this toll on our friendship.
I find myself praying that this summer will be different.
Catullus, Poem 76
If any pleasure can come to a man through recalling
decent behavior in his relations with others,
not breaking his word, and never, in any agreement,
deceiving men by abusing vows sworn to heaven,
then countless joys will await you in old age, Catullus,
as a reward for this unrequited passion!
For all of those things which a man could possibly say or
do have all been said & done by you already,
and none of them counted for anything, thanks to her vileness!
Then why endure your self-torment any longer?
Why not abandon this wretched affair altogether,
spare yourself pain the gods don't intend you to suffer!
It's hard to break off with someone you've loved such a long time:
it's hard, but you have to do it, somehow or other.
Your only chance is to get out from under this sickness,
no matter whether or not you think you're able.
O gods, if pity is yours, or if ever to any
who lay near death you offered the gift of your mercy,
look on my suffering: if my life seems to you decent,
then tear from within me this devouring cancer,
this heavy dullness wasting the joints of my body,
completely driving every joy from my spirit!
Now I no longer ask that she love me as I love her,
or--even less likely--that she give up the others:
all that I ask for is health, an end to this foul sickness!
O gods, grant me this in exchange for my worship.
So, my mind is much soothed by yesterday's conversation with (f)AD and THO, but my heart yields not at all. Such a tricky thing, this beast which (f)AD let loose upon the world two summers ago. How strange, to simultaneously know in your head that no offense has been given, but to want all the same to find some device by which I may attack.
Truthfully, sadly, this is going better than I had hoped.
THO and I talked, and now my brain finally has some ammunition in the war it wages against my heart. Not enough, but the way has been paved that more might be had in time. I really cannot describe the degree to which I find myself emotionally reactive to him, how powerless my intellect is in combating those feelings.
All the same, I'm quickly getting to the point where I just want this ordeal to be over. The two of them are both working now, and we're all hoping they'll have enough saved for an apartment within three pay periods. Six more weeks, gods help me. I'm already starting to burn out, and I can't figure out any way to recuperate which doesn't seem like running from the problem.
I'm truly, deeply afraid of what this last month has done to my friendship with (f)AD, the trust which we worked so hard to rebuild. I find myself overwhelmed by the need for affirmation, encouragement, comfort. Whenever I say this to (f)AD, she seems to think that I mean I need praise for having done good deeds. It's a criticism I've often heard in my life, and I don't understand how I project that.
What I need is positive reinforcement. Some sign that my efforts are having a positive effect, some idea of what I do that works, instead of only being told what doesn't, or that I'm doing more than others would do.
I'm so sick of hearing that! "I would never go as far as you have." This is the one common ground I've managed to find with THO, that we both believe people should do more for each other than is commonly accepted. It's the first piece of that grudging respect which I knew I'd give him, if only I could hold back my nausea, my bitterness, my overwhelming urge to give in to rage, long enough to look him in the eye and see him as a person.
By contrast, I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing common ground with (f)AD. Sometimes, it feels like the only thing we have left in common is the belief that not all pain should be avoided. She grows distant, perhaps wearisome of my emotional instability, and I grow ever more frantic in to repair her spirit, the sense of adventure which I so cherish, ever more worried that maybe it is intact but inaccessible by me. Thankfully, she seems to be doing much better than the worst cases I had read about. If only I could swallow down my bitterness enough to provide some real emotional support!
A few years ago, My Ex and I let a friend move in with us while he got situated. Not nearly as critical a situation as this, but we had a spare bedroom and sympathized with his plight. We were good friends, hung out a lot, often talked seriously in a time in my life when there were few who I talked so openly with. By the time he moved out, our friendship was shattered. He never called me again, except once, when I told him that I knew all along that helping him in this manner could have had exactly this toll on our friendship.
I find myself praying that this summer will be different.
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no subject
Date: 13 Jun 2006 05:18 (UTC)It's because you whine a lot about what an incredible sacrifice you're making whenever you decide to do something for another person. You talk about all the things you had to give up in order to allow another person into your life in any way...physically or emotionally.
At least, that is what I've observed in my two years of knowing you.
Then again, Ayn Rand thinks sacrifice is dumb anyway, so go figure.
I probably sound really harsh. I'm just tired.