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amulIt's even better when they dream about me.
Excerpt is from the journal of a woman I met at Frolic Con back in April, whose only ever known me IRL for three days. What's particularly interesting to me is that she's never even met (f)AD, and I don't even think she knew what the acronym stood for. A couple of friends told me that, one particularly boring day, they opened up separate windows with both my and (f)AD's live journals and tried reading them in chronological order.
That's really strange and cool, comforting and worrisome all at the same time.
Speaking of comforting and worrisome, Lacuna Diving Bunny has been IMing me a lot lately about conversations which I feel best left for in person discussion. She seems more comfortable talking about serious subjects over IM than in person, and I don't know if it's just her nature, or something in the way I react to her conversations.
Yesterday, she told me she loved me, which I've actually known for quite some time. I'm not sure what to do about that. She's married, poly, but in a completely different style than anything I'm used to. With My Ex, lines had to be drawn very clearly, and our Primary Partners (eg, each other) had to maintain superior priority over anyone else. LDB's marriage seems to have vastly different rules, and she's often been frustrated with the ways in which I show respect (from my perspective) to her primary relationship. It's been a constant question in my head, whether I should try to adopt her style or maintain my own rules regarding polyamory. (tangent: LDB and her husband define polyamory in the way that I define polygamy, so I can't even understand the language they use to discuss this stuff with me).
This question is particularly troublesome to me because of all the arguments at the end of my relationship with My Ex, when she claimed that she'd never been comfortable with our polygamy, that it was something she endured because she "always knew" that I would never "gain a decent set of morals." (direct quote, that). It doesn't quite jive with my memories of all the times she and I would try to convince other people to respect our relationship beliefs (specifically, I'm remembering right now a picnic conversation with The Volatile Ex-Army Chap). I was so sure that we had found a comfortable system, that the things I wanted to believe were functional, and then at the end of it all she told me it wasn't, had never been, and I still don't know the truth of that. She said a lot of things simply because she thought they'd be hurtful, but so few of them were on the mark that they worked just as a reminder of how little she really understood me anymore. This one struck a nerve, and the chord is still ringing in my ear, two years later (I actually had to stop and calculate that number with (f)AD).
I'm not even sure that I know what "love" means anymore. If you believe My Ex, I never loved her. People tell me that the love I shared with (f)AD was the kind that was never meant to last. I remember loving people, thinking we were destined to be together forever, and things changed. That's been a very common current in my conversations of late, that "forever" is a dream, a myth, a sandman's song we croon to the weary romantics of the world so that they might drift off to sleep. If love, if life is supposed to constantly change and evolve, if I must dedicate myself to finally learning how to roll with the punch, then what does it mean to want to be with someone? When I think of love, I sing When I'm Sixty-Four by the Beatles.
But forever doesn't happen. I thought I'd be with My Ex forever, I was carefree with the heaps of plans I'd make with her, adventures we would pursue Some Day.
I've made a very clearly defined list of priorities right now: My first priority is me, my life and career. My second priority is (f)AD, her health, well being and future dreams. Everybody else is underneath that. Even having (f)AD in my priority list is troublesome, because of the strong urge to put her needs above mine. I simply do not believe I have the strength right now to care about two people as much as I should care about myself.
So where does this news fit into that? It affects me and my life, but since I don't return her feelings in equal measure, it seems more like a 3rd-tier priority.
I like her. I like spending time with her, but I'm not comfortable with that enjoyment. The whole reason I was willing to take her as a lover was because I felt reassured that she would never want more from me than I could give.
Which is kind of ironic, since I've been thinking a lot lately about what it'd be like to have more.
I walked through the door (the room was still painted red) and sitting on my bed wasamul. But it wasn't Amul like I remember Amul. I remember a handsome, sultry man with a slow smile. This dream-Amul was cute, but not even close to my memory image. However, I was unsurprised to see him there as I felt him to be a good friend and not unusual to find him in my room.
Excerpt is from the journal of a woman I met at Frolic Con back in April, whose only ever known me IRL for three days. What's particularly interesting to me is that she's never even met (f)AD, and I don't even think she knew what the acronym stood for. A couple of friends told me that, one particularly boring day, they opened up separate windows with both my and (f)AD's live journals and tried reading them in chronological order.
That's really strange and cool, comforting and worrisome all at the same time.
Speaking of comforting and worrisome, Lacuna Diving Bunny has been IMing me a lot lately about conversations which I feel best left for in person discussion. She seems more comfortable talking about serious subjects over IM than in person, and I don't know if it's just her nature, or something in the way I react to her conversations.
Yesterday, she told me she loved me, which I've actually known for quite some time. I'm not sure what to do about that. She's married, poly, but in a completely different style than anything I'm used to. With My Ex, lines had to be drawn very clearly, and our Primary Partners (eg, each other) had to maintain superior priority over anyone else. LDB's marriage seems to have vastly different rules, and she's often been frustrated with the ways in which I show respect (from my perspective) to her primary relationship. It's been a constant question in my head, whether I should try to adopt her style or maintain my own rules regarding polyamory. (tangent: LDB and her husband define polyamory in the way that I define polygamy, so I can't even understand the language they use to discuss this stuff with me).
This question is particularly troublesome to me because of all the arguments at the end of my relationship with My Ex, when she claimed that she'd never been comfortable with our polygamy, that it was something she endured because she "always knew" that I would never "gain a decent set of morals." (direct quote, that). It doesn't quite jive with my memories of all the times she and I would try to convince other people to respect our relationship beliefs (specifically, I'm remembering right now a picnic conversation with The Volatile Ex-Army Chap). I was so sure that we had found a comfortable system, that the things I wanted to believe were functional, and then at the end of it all she told me it wasn't, had never been, and I still don't know the truth of that. She said a lot of things simply because she thought they'd be hurtful, but so few of them were on the mark that they worked just as a reminder of how little she really understood me anymore. This one struck a nerve, and the chord is still ringing in my ear, two years later (I actually had to stop and calculate that number with (f)AD).
I'm not even sure that I know what "love" means anymore. If you believe My Ex, I never loved her. People tell me that the love I shared with (f)AD was the kind that was never meant to last. I remember loving people, thinking we were destined to be together forever, and things changed. That's been a very common current in my conversations of late, that "forever" is a dream, a myth, a sandman's song we croon to the weary romantics of the world so that they might drift off to sleep. If love, if life is supposed to constantly change and evolve, if I must dedicate myself to finally learning how to roll with the punch, then what does it mean to want to be with someone? When I think of love, I sing When I'm Sixty-Four by the Beatles.
But forever doesn't happen. I thought I'd be with My Ex forever, I was carefree with the heaps of plans I'd make with her, adventures we would pursue Some Day.
I've made a very clearly defined list of priorities right now: My first priority is me, my life and career. My second priority is (f)AD, her health, well being and future dreams. Everybody else is underneath that. Even having (f)AD in my priority list is troublesome, because of the strong urge to put her needs above mine. I simply do not believe I have the strength right now to care about two people as much as I should care about myself.
So where does this news fit into that? It affects me and my life, but since I don't return her feelings in equal measure, it seems more like a 3rd-tier priority.
I like her. I like spending time with her, but I'm not comfortable with that enjoyment. The whole reason I was willing to take her as a lover was because I felt reassured that she would never want more from me than I could give.
Which is kind of ironic, since I've been thinking a lot lately about what it'd be like to have more.
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Hrm
Date: 8 Jun 2006 19:35 (UTC)Re: Hrm
Date: 8 Jun 2006 20:18 (UTC)Re: Hrm
Date: 8 Jun 2006 23:23 (UTC)Re: Hrm
Date: 8 Jun 2006 23:45 (UTC)xoxo - J
Re: Hrm
Date: 10 Jun 2006 08:28 (UTC)I am taking care of myself. Things have calmed down to the point where I can direct my attention back to myself more, and I've been hanging out with friends and doing things.