equanimity

[amul]

equanimity
A	noun
	1 	composure, calm, calmness, equanimity
 		steadiness of mind under stress; 
         "he accepted their problems with composure and she with equanimity"

I do not think I've ever learned the trick of it.


The plan has changed again. It's permanence that I seek. I think back to when I first told (f)AD that I was moving to Chicago. August, I told her. This is just a summer fling for me. That changed, of course. Everything about that changed, and I wanted none of it. I had my little plan, and she was just one more bauble with which that Coal Sooted Bitch of A City tried to tempt me into staying.

But then, it began to be real, and I couldn't find a job or a place to stay in Chicago. September, I would whisper to her as she lay curled in my arms. This is just a temporary thing between us.

I found a place, but it wasn't ready, and I was no longer ready. How deeply that must have torn at her, to watch me hesitate, linger. Stay by her side, all the while saying, I must go. You are not enough to keep me here.

And then it was October. I leave at the first of October. By then, my delays must have become familiar to her, and she'd rush past the boxes in the living room and straight into my bed, grasping me, clutching me to her. I recognized the added the fierceness of our time together, knew what it was. She held me close and made each day as amazing as she could make it, in denial of the future and to hedge her bets against it.

It worked. I was in love. But love was not enough to keep me where I was. I stayed with her, but left the Sooty Temptress.

That was then. This is now.

She kicks a box in this apartment which has become overrun with boxes, and complains to her new love, "I cannot wait to get out of this place." In my head, I know she is only complaining about the mess, the confinement. She understands now, as she never did then, the need I had for a space of my own. Needs it herself. In my head, I know that it is no comment on her enjoyment of my company, but it hurts all the same.

She tells me that she's thinking about staying longer than just this summer. She and The Haughty Orphan have found excellent jobs, and now she dreams of moving directly from here to the city that has always called to her, just as I did. She says, "I can handle one winter, I think. I'll leave next fall, before the snow comes."

She delays, and some crazed part of me wants to be a part of the reason for it. The need to photograph her has become overwhelming. She stays, and a voice inside me whispers treacherous, impossible thoughts. To take her dancing, to show her a museum. To make her love me again! It is a foolish, angry voice that whispers inside me, Wile E Coyote sitting in a coffeehouse and telling the Road Runner of all his plans. Hold on to her as tightly as once she did you. In its plaintive cry I hear that it does not know if it wants her to need me so that I can reject her, or keep her.

No, silly heart of mine. I know better than to think that hearts can be pulled by such clumsy strings. She was never meant for this city, and to keep her here would be a dishonor to all that I cherish about her.

She stays for a moment, and others leave. I would cling to them, as well, if I had the power. I have this terrible urge to grow despotic over the ones I love, my friends, to clutch them to my chest until they suffocate in my frantic caresses.

Unpaintable Canvas punches me in the arm, demanding that things never change, and then she changes. Cave Dwelling Eyes whispers that she will be here for me, and then she leaves. Prefers Sacrifice makes a sacrifice, while preparing for a journey. They leave, and a Man does not cling to them and beg them to stay.

A Man knows that his place is only to express joy when they come to him, and sorrow when they do not. He does not force their hand. He does not burden them with his own needs, his own desires. He tends to those himself.

The only question I have is, Is he allowed to want it, all the same?

Comments

[rosetiger.livejournal.com]

I think your words are reaching me more than I know. I dreamt of you last night...I need to write about it before I forget it.

[amul.livejournal.com]

Link for my future reference: http://rosetiger.livejournal.com/273995.html

It is extremely comforting to know that you've been such an attentive reader of this debacle, given my constant craving for affirmation.