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I have not been posting here for a while because I was, at one point, overly fixated on receiving responses from particular people, and now am embarrassed at the thought of asking for attention from them. Now, one has informed me that she stopped using LJ a year or two ago, and I noticed that the other has un-friended me, and suddenly I feel comfortable writing in this space again. I'm not sure what that says about me, or where I'm at right now.
While taking out the trash tonight, I decided to empty the recycling bin too for the first time since...I dunno, before Thanksgiving (trash receptacle is just down the hall, whereas recycling is a 5+ minute elevator ride). I happened to count the number of empty alcohol bottles. Not really hard, since I re-use almost all the glass containers I have except for those. I realize that I drink a lot at conventions. I mean, I'm sort of known for being mildly lubricated the entire weekend, but this is my home life. My parents are teetotalers, in a fairly literal sense, in that they consume tea in frightening quantities (and the way they make tea is downright disgusting, if you ask me), but think of alcohol as objects used as gifts. My father once told me that I was an alcoholic because I told him I averaged 2 mixed drinks a week. He tried to hold an intervention.
It took me ages to get to the point where I could consume alcohol outside of the Collegiate Binge Drinking Experience. Part of this was the critical need to teach myself to say, "you are done for the day. You do not need to worry about someone having a sudden crisis and needing you to be sober and alert." Part of it was learning how to be a social drinker, learning how to have a drink without having ten.
A large part of that training was My Ex reassuring me, telling me that I clearly wasn't becoming an alcoholic because she was having a drink every time I was having a drink (around our home, I mean). Somehow, that got turned around in my head to thinking "I'm not an alcoholic if I'm not drinking alone."
Well, today, I noticed that I've been drinking alone. A lot. Pretty much going through somewhere between a half and full bottle every day since Joyous Puppet and I broke up. Now, sometimes that's a full bottle of scotch, and sometimes it's a half bottle of cream liquor, but that's not the point in my head.
The point in my head is this: I've been drinking, and not just socially.
And it has me worried.
When I was in my teens, if I found myself conversing with someone younger than myself, and ran out of conversation topics, I would offer to help them with any homework they had. In my 20s, I would ask them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Nowadays, I ask them if there is someone special whose attention they want more of, and I offer dating advice.
Noticing this shift in my habits bothers me more than the drinking thing does.
While taking out the trash tonight, I decided to empty the recycling bin too for the first time since...I dunno, before Thanksgiving (trash receptacle is just down the hall, whereas recycling is a 5+ minute elevator ride). I happened to count the number of empty alcohol bottles. Not really hard, since I re-use almost all the glass containers I have except for those. I realize that I drink a lot at conventions. I mean, I'm sort of known for being mildly lubricated the entire weekend, but this is my home life. My parents are teetotalers, in a fairly literal sense, in that they consume tea in frightening quantities (and the way they make tea is downright disgusting, if you ask me), but think of alcohol as objects used as gifts. My father once told me that I was an alcoholic because I told him I averaged 2 mixed drinks a week. He tried to hold an intervention.
It took me ages to get to the point where I could consume alcohol outside of the Collegiate Binge Drinking Experience. Part of this was the critical need to teach myself to say, "you are done for the day. You do not need to worry about someone having a sudden crisis and needing you to be sober and alert." Part of it was learning how to be a social drinker, learning how to have a drink without having ten.
A large part of that training was My Ex reassuring me, telling me that I clearly wasn't becoming an alcoholic because she was having a drink every time I was having a drink (around our home, I mean). Somehow, that got turned around in my head to thinking "I'm not an alcoholic if I'm not drinking alone."
Well, today, I noticed that I've been drinking alone. A lot. Pretty much going through somewhere between a half and full bottle every day since Joyous Puppet and I broke up. Now, sometimes that's a full bottle of scotch, and sometimes it's a half bottle of cream liquor, but that's not the point in my head.
The point in my head is this: I've been drinking, and not just socially.
And it has me worried.
When I was in my teens, if I found myself conversing with someone younger than myself, and ran out of conversation topics, I would offer to help them with any homework they had. In my 20s, I would ask them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Nowadays, I ask them if there is someone special whose attention they want more of, and I offer dating advice.
Noticing this shift in my habits bothers me more than the drinking thing does.