old habits
14 August 2005 17:09![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulBut Lazarus, he only did it just the one time
He couldn't face another try
Roo was the first one to teach me the meaning of jealousy. It was about two months after we broke up, at a birthday party that ran everyone into the ground. Each of us partied until we dropped, with Star Nosed Mole dropping first, right in the middle of the hallway. She crashed out on a fold-out bed, and though there was room next to her, I chose instead to lie on the other couch, with my head against the arm rest closest to her.
A few hours later, SNM woke up, shivering and dehydrated, the sweat frozen on his body and smelling of vapors. He stumbled around, and Roo and I woke up. I didn't move, I feigned sleep not knowing why, knowing that it could only play out one way and I had no part of that act.
She pulled him into bed next to her, and let the blankets and her body heat do the work. She fell back asleep instantly (I still knew the sounds of her breathing, could tell when she was awake and when she slept), and after a few minutes SNM began to snore as well.
I lay there paralysed with confusion. What was this sudden, acidic taste in my mouth? Why was my heart racing so fast? Where did this sudden urge for violence come from?
And then it hit me. Jealousy. This is jealousy. This is what I did to all those boys She used to introduce me to. This is that feeling.
But this is stupid! They're just lying next to each other! There's nothing to be jealous of!
And then I remembered saying the same thing to hundred boys. It's stupid for you to feel that. There's nothing going on. Yet they did, and they hated me for not understanding.
It's two years later, and I don't even want to date her. But she walked up to him and flung her arms around him. He didn't even get up. He didn't even use both hands. When her sister left, she gave me a hug and him a handshake.
I don't even want her for my own, but there's acid in my mouth. When she sees my face, I lie to her. Tell her I'm fine, that I'm just worried about seeing Achingly D tonight. Go, go. I am fine, and he is here. Go to him, if that's what you want, and never mind the shreds of napkin I'm pulling apart, never mind my clenched teeth and forced smile. Never mind that you never once came so willingly into my own arms.
Go, because it's stupid for me to feel this, it's just something left over from years ago. A piece of something I should have thrown away long ago.
I shouldn't have lied to her.
Go. Before I flee.
He couldn't face another try
Roo was the first one to teach me the meaning of jealousy. It was about two months after we broke up, at a birthday party that ran everyone into the ground. Each of us partied until we dropped, with Star Nosed Mole dropping first, right in the middle of the hallway. She crashed out on a fold-out bed, and though there was room next to her, I chose instead to lie on the other couch, with my head against the arm rest closest to her.
A few hours later, SNM woke up, shivering and dehydrated, the sweat frozen on his body and smelling of vapors. He stumbled around, and Roo and I woke up. I didn't move, I feigned sleep not knowing why, knowing that it could only play out one way and I had no part of that act.
She pulled him into bed next to her, and let the blankets and her body heat do the work. She fell back asleep instantly (I still knew the sounds of her breathing, could tell when she was awake and when she slept), and after a few minutes SNM began to snore as well.
I lay there paralysed with confusion. What was this sudden, acidic taste in my mouth? Why was my heart racing so fast? Where did this sudden urge for violence come from?
And then it hit me. Jealousy. This is jealousy. This is what I did to all those boys She used to introduce me to. This is that feeling.
But this is stupid! They're just lying next to each other! There's nothing to be jealous of!
And then I remembered saying the same thing to hundred boys. It's stupid for you to feel that. There's nothing going on. Yet they did, and they hated me for not understanding.
It's two years later, and I don't even want to date her. But she walked up to him and flung her arms around him. He didn't even get up. He didn't even use both hands. When her sister left, she gave me a hug and him a handshake.
I don't even want her for my own, but there's acid in my mouth. When she sees my face, I lie to her. Tell her I'm fine, that I'm just worried about seeing Achingly D tonight. Go, go. I am fine, and he is here. Go to him, if that's what you want, and never mind the shreds of napkin I'm pulling apart, never mind my clenched teeth and forced smile. Never mind that you never once came so willingly into my own arms.
Go, because it's stupid for me to feel this, it's just something left over from years ago. A piece of something I should have thrown away long ago.
I shouldn't have lied to her.
Go. Before I flee.
