When a Man Is Wrong

[amul]

When you care about someone, you work through it, no matter how long it takes. You deal with the anger and the rage because underneath it all, you still care.

"You have a real problem with letting everyone walk all over you."

Oh, I can stand up for myself against most people, just not against the women I care about.

"If you had such a problem with this stuff, you should have said something at the time. It's too late now."

Well, by that logic, I guess I must still care about you.


I am So. Utterly. Tired. of losing friends I care deeply about in the process of learning to stand up for myself. Every time I've ever let a friend stay with me when they're in trouble, it's cost me that friendship in the end. Looks like this time will be no different.

A friend once told me that sometimes, the only way you can start to climb back up is to hit rock bottom first. I feel like I've hit that point four or five times already, but I really don't see that I've made any progress is learning how to handle confrontation. I mean, what measure can I judge by, if not by the fact that I'm still making the same mistakes? Sure, I'm bringing these things up months later instead of years, but that could just be attributed to how much more quickly I start to  feel I'm being taken advantage of.

Hellfire and damnation, I no longer even trust myself to judge if I'm being taken advantage of. I have to ask other people. How is that progress?

"You don't want to help me, not really. You just want to brag to people about how you did help me, what a great guy you are."

The truth is sadder, more pathetic. I constantly push myself to give more than I'm capable of, constantly search for someone I can help, can "save," because deep down inside, I still feel like I need to repent for not being able to protect a twelve-year-old girl that I didn't even meet until two years later. Feel ashamed for not having recognized that it was still happening to her. So much of who I am centers around those events, and I never even met the man.

When she was 16, that girl called me up and tried to pass off another rape as a choice she made. I didn't see it, didn't recognize the ruse, and yelled at her for tossing aside her morality so casually. She was crying out for help, for acceptance, but I did not see it. I'm still trying to make up for that failure, too.

(tangent: I've just reached this point where it's like, my heart is right here. If you've got a stake, this is where you shove it. Him: "I find that interesting, that you associate being emotionally vulnerable with getting stabbed." Well, what else do people do, except hurt each other? )



When a Man Is Wrong - Seal

The perils of loneliness
The pleasures of love
That we find

The argument's immanent
The look on her face
As we cry

There's nothing when you fall alone
There's hate when you fall by the side

You know that I didn't mean to hurt you love
I just need some light
On my life


But when a man is wrong
Facing all the mistakes
That he's done

There can be no right


Now if I was a holy man
And you were the devil song
And if I liked what you played
Does that mean you're right and I'm wrong

Know there's danger in a serenade, my friend
There's even love if you find what you want

And there's reasons to be afraid
And reasons to open your heart


But when a man is wrong
Facing all the mistakes
That he's done

There can be no right


Oh my friend
I sometimes get things wrong to get things right

Oh my friend
You know I sometimes get things wrong to get things right

Oh my friend
Nana naa na naa

When I'm wrong
is wrong
Facing all the mistakes that are done

When a man is wrong
When this man is wrong
There can be no right

There can be no right

Comments

[princessmatilda.livejournal.com]

you have to know that none of those things were your fault. you didn't recognize what was going on because she didn't want you to. she'd had so many years of hiding and keeping it secret and locked away, and you were a young boy with no training to see those things, no experience with those things. you need to stop torturing yourself and making yourself pay for the crimes of others. the blame is not yours in any way shape or form. what matters, what counts, is that you were there when she was ready to talk, when she was ready to open up and let that big ugly secret go. you were there. that means something. and it will never be forgotten.

[amul.livejournal.com]

I don't blame myself for the things he did to her, but I do blame myself for not being able to see, for being naive and unaware of the true nature of the world. I thank the gods that I did manage to help in some small way, but, right or wrong, I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being capable of more.

[amul.livejournal.com]

A friend has suggested that it is disrespectful of me to want to have done more when she expressed gratitude for what I had to give. What do you think?