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amulI just got back from visiting my parents. Strangely fascinating, I find myself wishing (f)AD was here to talk about this stuff, but I'm unwilling to call anyone else to talk it out.
It was, to say the least, extremely uncomfortable for me. The easy way in which I just cast aside all semblance of who I am and what I believe in order to chat amicably with them. This tension builds up in my neck until it overflows into my mouth and I find myself starting to spew the most atrocious teenage-rebellion crap I've ever heard.
Look. I understand that they do it because they love me, because they want the best for me. I understand that they are trying to reconnect with me just as I am with them. But I spend two hours with these people and I'm overwhelmed with this violent urge to Get The Fuck Out.
My parents are good people. Even compared to other good parents, they were great parents when I was growing up. It feels so stupidly self-centered to complain about the way they treat me when I know that other people have Serious Problems they're dealing with. But they're so suffocating.
My mother, in particular, has become deeply disturbing to me. This is the first time I've seen them since my birthday, and after they all finished singing Happy Birthday, she yelled out, "And I love you! I really, really do." Then she made me read the birthday card out loud and kept insisting over dinner that "every word was true," while leaning over to plant kisses all over my face.
I have a really hard time seeing the line here. Am I over reacting, or does this woman seriously need to get a grip? Can she honestly not see how uncomfortable her constant, unceasing exclamations of devotion are what pushes me away? I hear the theme from Psycho in my head every time she hugs me. I know that she's lonely, but she resists any encouragement to go out and discover who she is besides a mother. I blame my brother for a lot of that, as every suggestion I've ever made for her has always been attacked by him. "How'll she make any money doing that?" Fer crying out loud, it's not about earning money, it's about giving her some semblance of identity outside her family!
But I forget. To them, the only measure of identity is income.
It was, to say the least, extremely uncomfortable for me. The easy way in which I just cast aside all semblance of who I am and what I believe in order to chat amicably with them. This tension builds up in my neck until it overflows into my mouth and I find myself starting to spew the most atrocious teenage-rebellion crap I've ever heard.
Look. I understand that they do it because they love me, because they want the best for me. I understand that they are trying to reconnect with me just as I am with them. But I spend two hours with these people and I'm overwhelmed with this violent urge to Get The Fuck Out.
My parents are good people. Even compared to other good parents, they were great parents when I was growing up. It feels so stupidly self-centered to complain about the way they treat me when I know that other people have Serious Problems they're dealing with. But they're so suffocating.
My mother, in particular, has become deeply disturbing to me. This is the first time I've seen them since my birthday, and after they all finished singing Happy Birthday, she yelled out, "And I love you! I really, really do." Then she made me read the birthday card out loud and kept insisting over dinner that "every word was true," while leaning over to plant kisses all over my face.
I have a really hard time seeing the line here. Am I over reacting, or does this woman seriously need to get a grip? Can she honestly not see how uncomfortable her constant, unceasing exclamations of devotion are what pushes me away? I hear the theme from Psycho in my head every time she hugs me. I know that she's lonely, but she resists any encouragement to go out and discover who she is besides a mother. I blame my brother for a lot of that, as every suggestion I've ever made for her has always been attacked by him. "How'll she make any money doing that?" Fer crying out loud, it's not about earning money, it's about giving her some semblance of identity outside her family!
But I forget. To them, the only measure of identity is income.