off the clock
27 February 2006 08:16![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulAt some point around 8pm, I started thinking of yesterday as My Vigil. About an hour later, I hit the bottle, the better to lubricate my thoughts with.
I sobered up by midnight and went for a drive. I made a lot of art that is not worth showing anybody.
I've let myself ask those unanswerable questions for nearly a full twenty-four hours now. Unsurprisingly, I am no closer to answers than I was before. Perhaps I am closer to accepting their unknowability, but how do I measure such a thing?
Tricky little id that it is, my mind spent much of the last day recalling the conversations about my relationship with My Ex, mostly Blue Beard, Comfortingly Bouncy and Unpaintable Canvas. As near as I can tell, those are the only three people who have heard that story in full detail, discounting those confidantes who helped me live through it.
(f)AD and Roo were surprisingly not present in my thoughts.
I've been sitting still for a few hours now, trying to get tired, trying to let myself drift to sleep. I'm tense, I'm nervous, emotionally drained and dreading the future. I realize, with a grim clenching of my jaw, that I am waiting for retribution. I am waiting for someone to take offense, and scream at me. Belittle me. This twisting in my heart is the ghost of My Ex, and I am so used to her assaults that I fear them even now, just for letting myself think about all of this.
Was she really such a monster to me? What if I'm just blaming her for all my own reactions?
Memory. A seven year grudge over an inappropriately timed joke.
Memory. A four day argument which she never apologized for, never promised to compromise. Never even acknowledged was over.
Memory. The same goddamn cereal for five years because she thought it was my favorite, and pretended it was hers, too.
No. Even if you are just a stupid ghost, I will not let you bully me any more. I have a voice. My heart will do what I tell it to.
Nearly 24 hours of asking myself the same goddamn questions over and over again.
The only one I've got an answer to is the same one I knew before.
Am I happier now?
I sobered up by midnight and went for a drive. I made a lot of art that is not worth showing anybody.
I've let myself ask those unanswerable questions for nearly a full twenty-four hours now. Unsurprisingly, I am no closer to answers than I was before. Perhaps I am closer to accepting their unknowability, but how do I measure such a thing?
Tricky little id that it is, my mind spent much of the last day recalling the conversations about my relationship with My Ex, mostly Blue Beard, Comfortingly Bouncy and Unpaintable Canvas. As near as I can tell, those are the only three people who have heard that story in full detail, discounting those confidantes who helped me live through it.
(f)AD and Roo were surprisingly not present in my thoughts.
I've been sitting still for a few hours now, trying to get tired, trying to let myself drift to sleep. I'm tense, I'm nervous, emotionally drained and dreading the future. I realize, with a grim clenching of my jaw, that I am waiting for retribution. I am waiting for someone to take offense, and scream at me. Belittle me. This twisting in my heart is the ghost of My Ex, and I am so used to her assaults that I fear them even now, just for letting myself think about all of this.
Was she really such a monster to me? What if I'm just blaming her for all my own reactions?
Memory. A seven year grudge over an inappropriately timed joke.
Memory. A four day argument which she never apologized for, never promised to compromise. Never even acknowledged was over.
Memory. The same goddamn cereal for five years because she thought it was my favorite, and pretended it was hers, too.
No. Even if you are just a stupid ghost, I will not let you bully me any more. I have a voice. My heart will do what I tell it to.
Nearly 24 hours of asking myself the same goddamn questions over and over again.
The only one I've got an answer to is the same one I knew before.
Am I happier now?
