(no subject)

more email excerpts

The more I do it, the more obvious it is to me that I needed this, that I should have tried living on my own years ago. A friend was asking about some of my old college poetry, asked me to find a piece he half-remembered. It's strange going through those journals, I can see the slow transformation from an individual in high school to someone completely dependent on the approval of others....

I'm still flip-flopping on the relationship question. On the one hand, I'm really craving some kind of intimate discovery process. I want to meet someone new and get to know all about them and exude mutual attraction. On the other hand, isn't my need for such things precisely my problem? But that logic leads to the idea that I'll only be ready to be in a relationship when I no longer care if I'm in one -- when I've decided, not just to stop looking, but to actively avoid looking. It's confusing.

Intimate discovery process. I don't think I've ever managed to attain such perfect levels of conciseness before. Ye gods, that's precisely what I'm craving right now. It totally explains my shift from my normal preference for large social groups towards one-on-one social contact.

It occurs to me that this thing I'm craving is also not at all relationship-oriented, despite my habit of assuming a relationship-need underlying my desire to develop and breed trust. There's an urge to just shout out a request for anyone equally interested to raise their hand, an urge to ask for some pretty blatant ego-stroking in the bargain. "If someone would like to get to know me better, please raise your hand."

Naw, can't do it. Fear of rejection is just too great. Or worse still, the kind of rejection that comes from pure apathy. Besides, looking at my schedule, I doubt I'll have time anytime soon.