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Picked Roo up at the airport yesterday morning. We headed back to my place, chatting sleepily, and pretty much crashed out. Woke up briefly for some breakfast, Roo complaining all the while in her Little Princess Voice, "you don't have to cook if you don't want to!" I *like* cooking, remember?
She spent the afternoon fielding phone calls regarding her upcoming employment change, went for a walk, hung out on the beach for a while. Realized the entire day had gone, ate dinner and watched a movie. Frighteningly relaxing, all of it. I've been running on all six cylinders for most of the month, and then WHAM! I'm done for a while. No pressing deadlines, only a handful of obligations. No plan other than, "enjoy this."
Roo is feeling it, too. She told her bosses she was moving to a new salon Thursday, and had spent the last two weeks prepping for that and the changeover. Now we're both wandering aimlessly, trying to get used to the idea that nothing needs to be done.
It's just been mellow, really. I feel like I forgot how to handle mellow. I'm struggling with all my might to avoid treating this like a Situation, and just Be. Roo tells me, "You're doing pretty good, except for when you start asking me how you're doing." Typical Amul.
We talk a lot about Christine, Ziggy, Her Ex-husband and Her Most Recent Ex, how they've changed us, what being single has taught us. Mutual fears of losing the parts we've discovered in ourselves should we ever find someone. I keep expecting her to shout out about how different I am, but the lesson I'm learning is that what's different is now I talk to everyone like I once only talked to her.
Mostly, though, it's just excellent having someone else here, someone I care about sitting in my space and knowing she'll be there hours from now. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to separate my Damage from my feelings for her, but instead the two just kind of neutralize each other. I care deeply for her, could easily fall in love with her, but I'm damaged and living hundreds of miles away, and that's all there is to it. When did I grow up? When did I start acknowledging consequences and avoiding pain?
Achingly Defiant would tell me, "since before me." Yet, AD was so courageous and willing to experience pain, pulled me towards the instinctive, and I responded to that. Roo, on the other hand, is just as cautious as I and so the weekend has been about where we've been, and not what we want or where we're going.
Which is kind of okay, since I have no idea what I want, or where I'm ultimately going.
We went over to the Pirate's Cove, and while we were smoking on the porch, I remembered something else about Christine. We had this whole set of hand gestures to communicate things, had this little sign language to express things. Simple concepts, like "cigarette, please?" or "getting bored, can we leave?" Sometimes, she used to put the lighter in her mouth and give me a sad face, to tell me she needed a smoke but had a light.
I wonder if I've been using them, still. If I make these gestures to other people and don't even realize it. "I think it's okay to not remember," Roo assures me over her beer. "Memories will come back as you're ready for them. They did for me."
She spent the afternoon fielding phone calls regarding her upcoming employment change, went for a walk, hung out on the beach for a while. Realized the entire day had gone, ate dinner and watched a movie. Frighteningly relaxing, all of it. I've been running on all six cylinders for most of the month, and then WHAM! I'm done for a while. No pressing deadlines, only a handful of obligations. No plan other than, "enjoy this."
Roo is feeling it, too. She told her bosses she was moving to a new salon Thursday, and had spent the last two weeks prepping for that and the changeover. Now we're both wandering aimlessly, trying to get used to the idea that nothing needs to be done.
It's just been mellow, really. I feel like I forgot how to handle mellow. I'm struggling with all my might to avoid treating this like a Situation, and just Be. Roo tells me, "You're doing pretty good, except for when you start asking me how you're doing." Typical Amul.
We talk a lot about Christine, Ziggy, Her Ex-husband and Her Most Recent Ex, how they've changed us, what being single has taught us. Mutual fears of losing the parts we've discovered in ourselves should we ever find someone. I keep expecting her to shout out about how different I am, but the lesson I'm learning is that what's different is now I talk to everyone like I once only talked to her.
Mostly, though, it's just excellent having someone else here, someone I care about sitting in my space and knowing she'll be there hours from now. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to separate my Damage from my feelings for her, but instead the two just kind of neutralize each other. I care deeply for her, could easily fall in love with her, but I'm damaged and living hundreds of miles away, and that's all there is to it. When did I grow up? When did I start acknowledging consequences and avoiding pain?
Achingly Defiant would tell me, "since before me." Yet, AD was so courageous and willing to experience pain, pulled me towards the instinctive, and I responded to that. Roo, on the other hand, is just as cautious as I and so the weekend has been about where we've been, and not what we want or where we're going.
Which is kind of okay, since I have no idea what I want, or where I'm ultimately going.
We went over to the Pirate's Cove, and while we were smoking on the porch, I remembered something else about Christine. We had this whole set of hand gestures to communicate things, had this little sign language to express things. Simple concepts, like "cigarette, please?" or "getting bored, can we leave?" Sometimes, she used to put the lighter in her mouth and give me a sad face, to tell me she needed a smoke but had a light.
I wonder if I've been using them, still. If I make these gestures to other people and don't even realize it. "I think it's okay to not remember," Roo assures me over her beer. "Memories will come back as you're ready for them. They did for me."
