Summer moved on
15 August 2005 02:29![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulLyrics by A-Ha
Summer moved on / And the way it goes / You can't tag along
It seems you never gain any strength without immediately needing to test it. Bad enough, I was staying on the same street as AD once lived. Bad enough, I had to drive past the apartment I spent last summer living in.
When Achingly D had me pick up her and Professional Vagrant from her parent's house, when she sounded surprised that I'd even been there before....something inside me broke.
Honey moved out / And the way it went / Leaves no doubt
I stood it for as long as I could. It was strange, eyeballing the trickle of pain slowly seeping into my heart. Relatively speaking, how hurt am I right now? How close to tears am I NOW? It trickled into my heart like some sadistic hourglass and began to pour in when we found the playground with the bouncy-bridge.
I saw myself through someone else's eyes. The martyr in repose, nailed to a cross-beam and complaining that he just can't seem to get comfortable.
I could handle that because it was dark. I didn't need to see their faces or watch her turn so effortlessly to him. Couldn't check if her eyes shone as brightly for him as they did once for me. I could concentrate on just accepting his existence, accepting her love of him. Her face doesn't even look like my Mneme's, not anymore. I could handle that because in the dark, they were strangers.
But suddenly, it was all I had the strength to do. I couldn't communicate or relate or express anything, and I was scared by the reaction. Then it hit me, why this was so hard, so terribly painful.
I've never done this before. Never once in my life have I had to face an ex-lover and her new mate. Silly boy, this is foreign terrain for you. No wonder you can't find your footing. So I called it off, eyeballing that Machiavellian hourglass and knowing that, at the very least, if I took them home now they wouldn't need to watch me cry.
Moments will pass / In the morning light / I found out
Seasons can't last / And there's one thing / Left to ask
I dropped them off and finished the pleasantries as quick as I could. The pain was in my throat by then, and I could feel it pushing tendrils into my eyes. PV expressed approval over not shaking his hand the day before, and in that instant I hated him with all my might. My anger, my revulsion, my jealousy tore free from the tenuous grip I had on it and tore him to shreds, dissected his every flaw and weakness. Fearing for my sanity, I fled into my car and began to drive.
I drove past milestone after milestone. Every one of them a screaming remonstration of the last two years of my life. I had to get away, had to get somewhere safe and normal and unimpeded by memory. I pulled into a grocery store and bought some snacks for the drive home.
As I was putting them into my trunk, I realized that this was the grocery store where I first bought groceries as a single man. Worse, I was in the exact same parking spot.
Fine, I called out to the winds and the world and this coal-stained slut of a city. Fine. Let's just get them all out of the way, shall we?
Stay, don't just walk away / And leave me another day
A day just like today / With nobody else around
I was determined to hit all the sights. I parked in front of the porch where I waited that long vigil one Tuesday night, determined to tell Roo exactly how I felt about her. The bench that held a particularly arousing memory of AD. The diner where AD and her roommate drew squids and asked me if we were dating yet. The only restaurant I ever took Roo to while we dated.
Remember, I screamed into the night air. See. And remember. A cab driver gave me a frightened look.
The gas station Roo and I escaped from a party to, back before anyone knew we were together. The first apartment Christine and I ever shared. The grade school side door where Christine gave me my first taste of sex in dangerous places. I went everywhere that still had memory.
Okay, well, except for one place.
Friendships move on / Until the day / You can't get along
Handshakes unfold / And the way it goes / No one knows
Not even in my current state of insanity could I bring myself to drive past Arrakis.
Arrakis, barren wasteland of the life I once tried to build. Arrakis, where the spice must flow. The first home I was ever proud to invite someone over to. The dream kitchen, the marvelous Cleansing Chamber. The basement I had such lofty plans for.
Even like this, bleeding memories through every pore, my head throbbing with uncontrollable thoughts, my fingers shaking no matter how tightly I gripped the wheel, my eyes blurring with tears and rage. Even so, I could not push myself over that particular precipice.
Moments will pass / In the morning light / I found out
Seasons can't last / So there's just one thing / Left to ask
Now there were a hundred places I dared not go. The museum Christine worked, the library I dropped Ziggy off at, the Eat'n'Park. The college I failed to graduate from so repeatedly. The club I used to dance at.
The Burning Line, I call it. That place where the memories cut you that stand between you and all the good ones. I was lost deep in it, and barely knew where I was supposed to be sleeping tonight.
Stay, don't just walk away / And leave me another day
A day just like today / Stay, don't just walk away
With nobody else around
So I drove back towards the center point of it all, hoping for a familiar landmark and a less-painful thought.
Past the apartment of Steve Currin, who always stopped by and used my computer without even asking, and never left when we told him to.
Past the Colony, where once I showed up to a New Year's Party clad all in white. Christine tried not to cry every time someone asked me if it was meant to demark a bold change in my life.
Past the home of Mme. Turtle, where I first cajoled Roo into spending time with me alone.
Past the grocery store where AD and I once bought ice together. She stood on the front of the cart and leaned forward as I pushed so I could see she wasn't wearing a bra.
Past Colterain Dairy, the only landmark I needed to know for a whole summer.
Past the Quik Mart where Roo told me she was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend again.
When did Brownsville Rd turn into such a quagmire of memories for me?
Eventually, I remembered where I was sleeping tonight. So I crept in through the door Obstinately Introspective had left unlocked for me, and then I bled a little more on a keyboard.
Now I'll go to sleep, and in the morning I'll drive the long drive home. And I will try not to wonder if Chicago feels safer to me because I'm better, or if it's only that I don't see my heartsblood painted across every street.
Seasons can't last / And there's just one thing / Left to ask
"Relax, you're doing fine," I hear a voice say in the monitor-humming silence. "You've never done this before. You're doing fine."
Startled, I realize it is my own.
Stay, don't just walk away / And leave me another day
A day just like today / Stay, don't just walk away
With nobody else around
Summer moved on
Summer moved on / And the way it goes / You can't tag along
It seems you never gain any strength without immediately needing to test it. Bad enough, I was staying on the same street as AD once lived. Bad enough, I had to drive past the apartment I spent last summer living in.
When Achingly D had me pick up her and Professional Vagrant from her parent's house, when she sounded surprised that I'd even been there before....something inside me broke.
Honey moved out / And the way it went / Leaves no doubt
I stood it for as long as I could. It was strange, eyeballing the trickle of pain slowly seeping into my heart. Relatively speaking, how hurt am I right now? How close to tears am I NOW? It trickled into my heart like some sadistic hourglass and began to pour in when we found the playground with the bouncy-bridge.
I saw myself through someone else's eyes. The martyr in repose, nailed to a cross-beam and complaining that he just can't seem to get comfortable.
I could handle that because it was dark. I didn't need to see their faces or watch her turn so effortlessly to him. Couldn't check if her eyes shone as brightly for him as they did once for me. I could concentrate on just accepting his existence, accepting her love of him. Her face doesn't even look like my Mneme's, not anymore. I could handle that because in the dark, they were strangers.
But suddenly, it was all I had the strength to do. I couldn't communicate or relate or express anything, and I was scared by the reaction. Then it hit me, why this was so hard, so terribly painful.
I've never done this before. Never once in my life have I had to face an ex-lover and her new mate. Silly boy, this is foreign terrain for you. No wonder you can't find your footing. So I called it off, eyeballing that Machiavellian hourglass and knowing that, at the very least, if I took them home now they wouldn't need to watch me cry.
Moments will pass / In the morning light / I found out
Seasons can't last / And there's one thing / Left to ask
I dropped them off and finished the pleasantries as quick as I could. The pain was in my throat by then, and I could feel it pushing tendrils into my eyes. PV expressed approval over not shaking his hand the day before, and in that instant I hated him with all my might. My anger, my revulsion, my jealousy tore free from the tenuous grip I had on it and tore him to shreds, dissected his every flaw and weakness. Fearing for my sanity, I fled into my car and began to drive.
I drove past milestone after milestone. Every one of them a screaming remonstration of the last two years of my life. I had to get away, had to get somewhere safe and normal and unimpeded by memory. I pulled into a grocery store and bought some snacks for the drive home.
As I was putting them into my trunk, I realized that this was the grocery store where I first bought groceries as a single man. Worse, I was in the exact same parking spot.
Fine, I called out to the winds and the world and this coal-stained slut of a city. Fine. Let's just get them all out of the way, shall we?
Stay, don't just walk away / And leave me another day
A day just like today / With nobody else around
I was determined to hit all the sights. I parked in front of the porch where I waited that long vigil one Tuesday night, determined to tell Roo exactly how I felt about her. The bench that held a particularly arousing memory of AD. The diner where AD and her roommate drew squids and asked me if we were dating yet. The only restaurant I ever took Roo to while we dated.
Remember, I screamed into the night air. See. And remember. A cab driver gave me a frightened look.
The gas station Roo and I escaped from a party to, back before anyone knew we were together. The first apartment Christine and I ever shared. The grade school side door where Christine gave me my first taste of sex in dangerous places. I went everywhere that still had memory.
Okay, well, except for one place.
Friendships move on / Until the day / You can't get along
Handshakes unfold / And the way it goes / No one knows
Not even in my current state of insanity could I bring myself to drive past Arrakis.
Arrakis, barren wasteland of the life I once tried to build. Arrakis, where the spice must flow. The first home I was ever proud to invite someone over to. The dream kitchen, the marvelous Cleansing Chamber. The basement I had such lofty plans for.
Even like this, bleeding memories through every pore, my head throbbing with uncontrollable thoughts, my fingers shaking no matter how tightly I gripped the wheel, my eyes blurring with tears and rage. Even so, I could not push myself over that particular precipice.
Moments will pass / In the morning light / I found out
Seasons can't last / So there's just one thing / Left to ask
Now there were a hundred places I dared not go. The museum Christine worked, the library I dropped Ziggy off at, the Eat'n'Park. The college I failed to graduate from so repeatedly. The club I used to dance at.
The Burning Line, I call it. That place where the memories cut you that stand between you and all the good ones. I was lost deep in it, and barely knew where I was supposed to be sleeping tonight.
Stay, don't just walk away / And leave me another day
A day just like today / Stay, don't just walk away
With nobody else around
So I drove back towards the center point of it all, hoping for a familiar landmark and a less-painful thought.
Past the apartment of Steve Currin, who always stopped by and used my computer without even asking, and never left when we told him to.
Past the Colony, where once I showed up to a New Year's Party clad all in white. Christine tried not to cry every time someone asked me if it was meant to demark a bold change in my life.
Past the home of Mme. Turtle, where I first cajoled Roo into spending time with me alone.
Past the grocery store where AD and I once bought ice together. She stood on the front of the cart and leaned forward as I pushed so I could see she wasn't wearing a bra.
Past Colterain Dairy, the only landmark I needed to know for a whole summer.
Past the Quik Mart where Roo told me she was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend again.
When did Brownsville Rd turn into such a quagmire of memories for me?
Eventually, I remembered where I was sleeping tonight. So I crept in through the door Obstinately Introspective had left unlocked for me, and then I bled a little more on a keyboard.
Now I'll go to sleep, and in the morning I'll drive the long drive home. And I will try not to wonder if Chicago feels safer to me because I'm better, or if it's only that I don't see my heartsblood painted across every street.
Seasons can't last / And there's just one thing / Left to ask
"Relax, you're doing fine," I hear a voice say in the monitor-humming silence. "You've never done this before. You're doing fine."
Startled, I realize it is my own.
Stay, don't just walk away / And leave me another day
A day just like today / Stay, don't just walk away
With nobody else around
Summer moved on