last night's sleep
3 August 2005 10:33![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulI struggle against rest, against relaxation. It feels foreign to me, a startling change in itself.
As I lay in bed, I came to realize that I am not truly as franticly worried over Roo's impending arrival as I first was. The primary source of my comfort came from remembering all the times when I soothed her anxiety attacks.....
Years ago, at The Nerve Center, I am sitting on a couch and Roo walks past, looking uncomfortable. I talk her into my lap, and ask her what's wrong. It is, as near as either of us can remember, the first time I ever spoke to her. "There's this strange guy trying to force me to do whip its with him." The guy in the kilt? Yeah, he's creepy, and then with my words I focused her eyes on me, with my words I turned her body so that she was no longer keeping one eye out for Lurking Danger. I talked of nothing, and did not stop until my MDMA-enhanced sense could no longer detect her rapid heartbeat.
She'd always been afraid of me, before that moment. Found my penchant for latex and vinyl inexplicable, found my loud jokes and raucous manners disturbing. She and her whole crew, it turns out. They thought me scary.
Weeping Angel could have told her, I suppose, that it was always just an act. But WA was just a ghost in my ear back then, a story to tell. She was never real to any of them.
I rolled over and punched my pillow back into shape, and imagined how Comfortingly Bouncy will talk to her, to Roo. CB's infectious smile and the way her conversations build energy, like she's got some kind of carbonated tremendousness bottled up inside her and is slowly unscrewing the cap. I imagined Fidget swaying from side to side and talking to her about nothing at a very fast pace. Silent Dancer's uncertain smile from across the room, and my head turns and I see Pure Earth's slightly-sad smile. For the briefest minute, I imagine Roo sliding into my life, and fitting as if she'd always meant to.
Then I rolled over, again uncomfortable, and thought of all the road trips to visit Achingly Defiant, the distance between us. The terrible frustration of loving someone who was never nearby. With such thoughts in my head, I could never drift to sleep.
Again, I wondered where My Ex was in these thoughts, why my life seems like it only started a few months ago. These memories seem like they happened to a different person. Can I remember nothing of My Ex?
The three of us are wandering around a hotel mall in Vegas. Roo is getting nervous, uncomfortable with the mass of people around us. She reaches for my hand, looks at Christine and lets go. Christine says to her, "Honestly, it's okay. Amul is really good at calming people down. It's okay, go to him if you need him."
I flop onto my back and kick the covers off of me, remembering a strange fight between the two of them in the hotel room later that night, with me literally stuck in the middle. For some reason, an old song comes into my head. I clear my scratchy throat, and there in the darkness, I sang.
Oh, why, why did they send her
Over anyone else?
How should I react?
These things happen to other people
They don't happen at all, in fact
I got up and grabbed a bottle of water. I could feel the cool water working its way through my insides, lowering my core temperature. I climbed back in bed, and drifted off to sleep, remembering what Obstinately Introspective referred to as the night Roo and I hooked up.
It's November, and it's cold outside, but we can't smoke in the house. When I'm outside, I'm cold, but when I'm inside, I want a cigarette. As the LSD courses through my system, I realize there's a trick I can pull, if I can get the timing right. So I indulge in each whim, running inside as soon as I feel cold, and turning around and heading back out as soon as the urge for a smoke hits me. Eventually, I pull it off, confuse my body so that I want cigarettes when I'm outside and feel cold when I'm inside.
I go inside and stay cold, and people keep throwing blankets on top of me. I can't stop shivering. Roo sees me, and decides to snuggle against me, offering up her body heat to my acid-induced dilemma. Gator comes over and asks if I'm okay now. Still shivering, I tell him so. Mockingly, he offers to get me a sleeping bag. I grin a jackalish grin and agree that it would be nice.
A crowd of people begin hurling blankets and pillows at me, crying out, "Oh, for the love of...!" A sleeping bag is unceremoniously thrown over the two of us, causing Roo to turn her head and duck further into my arms. Still shivering, we decide to zip up the sleeping bag and stuff ourselves inside it. Only, don't let go, or I'll be cold! I warn her. We twist and jimmy and wiggle, and it must have taken ten, fifteen minutes. Then we flop around like a arthritic snake until I find a wall to lean against. We both breath a sigh of relief, and that's when I notice the party has settled into this room.
They are telling stories of me, talking about funny exploits and amusing antics. They are talking about how much they love me, and I am finally warm, and comfortable, and safe.
I must have drifted off to sleep sometime around then, because I was walking down a forested path with Silent Dancer running ahead of me. In my dream, I've finally learned to read her body language completely, and she doesn't bother speaking to me. It makes her seem sort of fae-like, and my dream is soundless. She leads me to a clearing, where I find Radiant Idol lying nude on my bed. Weeping Angel stands sentry over the idyllic grassy spot, and a fire flickers through the trees. I can hear drums. RI raises her arms to me, beckoning me to her with the exact gesture I spent so much of my youth dreaming I would someday make to WA.
I walk over to the bed, which seems suddenly very tall. I climb up it, and up it and up, and finally crawl into bed. I lie back, and RI wraps herself around me. My toes curl around a bit of bedsheet, and I pull it up over her bare legs. I tilt my head backwards, and Weeping Angel is smiling down on me, wordlessly.
Thus did I pass into dreamless, restful sleep.
As I lay in bed, I came to realize that I am not truly as franticly worried over Roo's impending arrival as I first was. The primary source of my comfort came from remembering all the times when I soothed her anxiety attacks.....
Years ago, at The Nerve Center, I am sitting on a couch and Roo walks past, looking uncomfortable. I talk her into my lap, and ask her what's wrong. It is, as near as either of us can remember, the first time I ever spoke to her. "There's this strange guy trying to force me to do whip its with him." The guy in the kilt? Yeah, he's creepy, and then with my words I focused her eyes on me, with my words I turned her body so that she was no longer keeping one eye out for Lurking Danger. I talked of nothing, and did not stop until my MDMA-enhanced sense could no longer detect her rapid heartbeat.
She'd always been afraid of me, before that moment. Found my penchant for latex and vinyl inexplicable, found my loud jokes and raucous manners disturbing. She and her whole crew, it turns out. They thought me scary.
Weeping Angel could have told her, I suppose, that it was always just an act. But WA was just a ghost in my ear back then, a story to tell. She was never real to any of them.
I rolled over and punched my pillow back into shape, and imagined how Comfortingly Bouncy will talk to her, to Roo. CB's infectious smile and the way her conversations build energy, like she's got some kind of carbonated tremendousness bottled up inside her and is slowly unscrewing the cap. I imagined Fidget swaying from side to side and talking to her about nothing at a very fast pace. Silent Dancer's uncertain smile from across the room, and my head turns and I see Pure Earth's slightly-sad smile. For the briefest minute, I imagine Roo sliding into my life, and fitting as if she'd always meant to.
Then I rolled over, again uncomfortable, and thought of all the road trips to visit Achingly Defiant, the distance between us. The terrible frustration of loving someone who was never nearby. With such thoughts in my head, I could never drift to sleep.
Again, I wondered where My Ex was in these thoughts, why my life seems like it only started a few months ago. These memories seem like they happened to a different person. Can I remember nothing of My Ex?
The three of us are wandering around a hotel mall in Vegas. Roo is getting nervous, uncomfortable with the mass of people around us. She reaches for my hand, looks at Christine and lets go. Christine says to her, "Honestly, it's okay. Amul is really good at calming people down. It's okay, go to him if you need him."
I flop onto my back and kick the covers off of me, remembering a strange fight between the two of them in the hotel room later that night, with me literally stuck in the middle. For some reason, an old song comes into my head. I clear my scratchy throat, and there in the darkness, I sang.
Oh, why, why did they send her
Over anyone else?
How should I react?
These things happen to other people
They don't happen at all, in fact
I got up and grabbed a bottle of water. I could feel the cool water working its way through my insides, lowering my core temperature. I climbed back in bed, and drifted off to sleep, remembering what Obstinately Introspective referred to as the night Roo and I hooked up.
It's November, and it's cold outside, but we can't smoke in the house. When I'm outside, I'm cold, but when I'm inside, I want a cigarette. As the LSD courses through my system, I realize there's a trick I can pull, if I can get the timing right. So I indulge in each whim, running inside as soon as I feel cold, and turning around and heading back out as soon as the urge for a smoke hits me. Eventually, I pull it off, confuse my body so that I want cigarettes when I'm outside and feel cold when I'm inside.
I go inside and stay cold, and people keep throwing blankets on top of me. I can't stop shivering. Roo sees me, and decides to snuggle against me, offering up her body heat to my acid-induced dilemma. Gator comes over and asks if I'm okay now. Still shivering, I tell him so. Mockingly, he offers to get me a sleeping bag. I grin a jackalish grin and agree that it would be nice.
A crowd of people begin hurling blankets and pillows at me, crying out, "Oh, for the love of...!" A sleeping bag is unceremoniously thrown over the two of us, causing Roo to turn her head and duck further into my arms. Still shivering, we decide to zip up the sleeping bag and stuff ourselves inside it. Only, don't let go, or I'll be cold! I warn her. We twist and jimmy and wiggle, and it must have taken ten, fifteen minutes. Then we flop around like a arthritic snake until I find a wall to lean against. We both breath a sigh of relief, and that's when I notice the party has settled into this room.
They are telling stories of me, talking about funny exploits and amusing antics. They are talking about how much they love me, and I am finally warm, and comfortable, and safe.
I must have drifted off to sleep sometime around then, because I was walking down a forested path with Silent Dancer running ahead of me. In my dream, I've finally learned to read her body language completely, and she doesn't bother speaking to me. It makes her seem sort of fae-like, and my dream is soundless. She leads me to a clearing, where I find Radiant Idol lying nude on my bed. Weeping Angel stands sentry over the idyllic grassy spot, and a fire flickers through the trees. I can hear drums. RI raises her arms to me, beckoning me to her with the exact gesture I spent so much of my youth dreaming I would someday make to WA.
I walk over to the bed, which seems suddenly very tall. I climb up it, and up it and up, and finally crawl into bed. I lie back, and RI wraps herself around me. My toes curl around a bit of bedsheet, and I pull it up over her bare legs. I tilt my head backwards, and Weeping Angel is smiling down on me, wordlessly.
Thus did I pass into dreamless, restful sleep.
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no subject
Date: 4 Aug 2005 05:53 (UTC)I don't think she knows I know
I'm worried what might happen
If anyone ever finds out