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amulMy mother has decided that I'll be having my wedding in India. Apparently, the rates are much cheaper there, and weddings only cost a 1/3rd of what they'd cost to have them in America. She seems unperturbed by the idea that most of my friends would be unable to take two weeks off of work in order to come to my wedding, that most of them would not be able to afford the tickets, or that I'm not even dating anyone right now.
*beats head against desk*
Perhaps equally frightening to me, is the latest set of decorating choices they've made for their house, which is slowly feeling less like the crypt I used to think of it as in college and more like a masoleum. Impressively, I seem to have managed to talk my parents into finally using actual colors, rather than just shades of white. Now I need to start trying to explain proper picture framing to them.
My mom has an entire weekend of movie-watching planned. Just, me, my family and a television sent blaring at us, for the next 72 hours.
Why, precisely, did I think this was a good idea, again?
I've finally managed to wrap up most of the petty arguments that I started over email, and seem to be feeling better. Two of them really sort of ended up attacking a core of beliefs that I'd been re-examining, and after getting permission, I forwarded them to a few out-of-state friends for review.
I'd been seeing My Ex raging at me through all of these arguments, but the perspective that's being returned to me is rather disturbing. I thought I'd done rather well defending myself, but the general conclusion so far seems to be that what I really did was bare my throat and beg people to tear flesh out of it.
Still inside me is this stupid, persistent notion, that some day I'm going to run into My Ex again, and that when that day comes, I need to be prepared to argue with her. Need to be able to speak up for myself. I thought I had done a good job of defending myself.
But now I think differently.
Even more disturbing, I still seem to have come nowhere with the whole issue of apology. I am constantly demanding them and utterly unwilling to offer them.
*sigh* There's other stuff I want to talk about, but I haven't the heart nor the head for it right now. I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
indienoir, and another with belladonnareed, and how they tie in with an off-hand remark callux made.
See, I'm a creature of extremes. I do not really know how to do anything in moderation. For most of my twenties, I lied without cause, never spoke of my life without someone dragging it out of me, and clamped down so hard on my feelings that I sort of lost them really. In response, for the last two years I've tried to live what I refer to as a Transparent Life. I talk about everything on LJ, admit to everything, strive to experience everything. Tried to revel in emotions, good and bad, and let myself be utterly open.
It's just another extreme. I've measured the edges of this, I know the pitfalls of being too closed-mouthed and too open. What's more, it's become harder to be as open as I would like about my feelings without discussing the people who made me react that way. "Made me react" being the real problem here. It's time to start thinking about what sort of personality I'd like to have, where in the giant center between all the extremes do I want to live. I did a really good job, this spring, of taking control of my own life, making my own choices. I've lost that, in the last few months, begun needing people's feedback and approval more than I needed to feel that what I was doing was what I choose to do.
In 2004, I shed apathy. Oh-five, I shed regret.
Next year, I work on my self-recrimination.
*beats head against desk*
Perhaps equally frightening to me, is the latest set of decorating choices they've made for their house, which is slowly feeling less like the crypt I used to think of it as in college and more like a masoleum. Impressively, I seem to have managed to talk my parents into finally using actual colors, rather than just shades of white. Now I need to start trying to explain proper picture framing to them.
My mom has an entire weekend of movie-watching planned. Just, me, my family and a television sent blaring at us, for the next 72 hours.
Why, precisely, did I think this was a good idea, again?
I've finally managed to wrap up most of the petty arguments that I started over email, and seem to be feeling better. Two of them really sort of ended up attacking a core of beliefs that I'd been re-examining, and after getting permission, I forwarded them to a few out-of-state friends for review.
I'd been seeing My Ex raging at me through all of these arguments, but the perspective that's being returned to me is rather disturbing. I thought I'd done rather well defending myself, but the general conclusion so far seems to be that what I really did was bare my throat and beg people to tear flesh out of it.
Still inside me is this stupid, persistent notion, that some day I'm going to run into My Ex again, and that when that day comes, I need to be prepared to argue with her. Need to be able to speak up for myself. I thought I had done a good job of defending myself.
But now I think differently.
Even more disturbing, I still seem to have come nowhere with the whole issue of apology. I am constantly demanding them and utterly unwilling to offer them.
*sigh* There's other stuff I want to talk about, but I haven't the heart nor the head for it right now. I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with
indienoir, and another with belladonnareed, and how they tie in with an off-hand remark callux made.See, I'm a creature of extremes. I do not really know how to do anything in moderation. For most of my twenties, I lied without cause, never spoke of my life without someone dragging it out of me, and clamped down so hard on my feelings that I sort of lost them really. In response, for the last two years I've tried to live what I refer to as a Transparent Life. I talk about everything on LJ, admit to everything, strive to experience everything. Tried to revel in emotions, good and bad, and let myself be utterly open.
It's just another extreme. I've measured the edges of this, I know the pitfalls of being too closed-mouthed and too open. What's more, it's become harder to be as open as I would like about my feelings without discussing the people who made me react that way. "Made me react" being the real problem here. It's time to start thinking about what sort of personality I'd like to have, where in the giant center between all the extremes do I want to live. I did a really good job, this spring, of taking control of my own life, making my own choices. I've lost that, in the last few months, begun needing people's feedback and approval more than I needed to feel that what I was doing was what I choose to do.
In 2004, I shed apathy. Oh-five, I shed regret.
Next year, I work on my self-recrimination.